I Feel It

I feel the sadness gradually growing in my heart.  I try to ignore the cloud of dread that is starting to form deep in my soul.

It’s May.

The empty place in my life begins to blot out the sunshine.  This emptiness has a name – Davey.  My son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty on May 19, 2016.

My May used to be centered on having fun on Mother’s Day and celebrating another successful year of marriage with my husband on our anniversary.  Now it’s more about Police Week and Davey’s End of Watch Anniversary.  Mother’s day is bittersweet.  Our anniversary is a reminder of all my husband and I have gone through together these last 4 years……and survived.

It’s been four long years.

Four years of a level of grief I didn’t know was possible.

Four years of a growing hole in my life that is impossible to fill.

Four years of remembering and missing Davey – an awesome man, son, husband, father, friend and Police Officer.

Four years of dealing with the painful reality of all that has been lost.

Four years of figuring out how to move forward, honoring Davey’s sacrifice and his legacy.

Four years of rebuilding dreams in the void where Davey was supposed to be.

Four years without his smile.

Four years of counting on God to get me through another day without Davey.

The closer we get to May 19, the more I wish we could just skip the whole month.  Especially this year.  My husband and I were looking forward to going to Washington, DC for Police Week.  We haven’t seen the museum yet and wanted to experience Police week now that we would not be first year survivors.  For those of you who haven’t been to the memorial, this picture is of me getting a scratching of Davey’s name on the memorial wall.

We recently moved to Colorado but we were going to stop in Phoenix on the way home from Washington to spend time with family and friends and visit Davey’s spot in the cemetery on his EOW.  None of that is happening.

Just more things to add to the long list of disappointments.

So we will spend May 19th doing something that Davey liked to do.  We have found in the past that this helps us get through a tough anniversary.  We’ll start a new tradition and focus on remembering the good times.

I’m so thankful we had 34 1/2 years of good times with Davey.  No regrets.

Miss you, Davey.

#8144loveyou

 

 

4 thoughts on “I Feel It

  1. Judy Glasser,

    I remember how I felt that day, hearing about yet another officer down, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer.

    Your Davey’s death rocked my world! I cried with you from El Paso, Texas.

    We had lived in Phoenix at one point and I could visualize where that horrific event took place.

    I remember thinking to myself…If my Joey was alive, he’d be sent to Phoenix to be on the Honor Guard, as he had done for so many others before, and would pay his respects to all of your family. This was his passion for volunteering that he did as a Border Patrol Agent.

    I have continued to read your posts wishing I could express my feelings the way you have and a lot of what you’ve written about, I also feel.

    I love what you put at the end of your blog post today, I quote:

    “So we will spend May 19th doing something that Davey liked to do. We have found in the past that this helps us get through a tough anniversary. We’ll start a new tradition and focus on remembering the good times.”

    I did just that, trying to focus on the “Good Times”

    This year, 2020, Our 4th year of Joey’s EOW….we found and shared our memories through Joey’s pictures of his life.

    It was hard…I cried as if it was my first year all over again…but it was a therapeutic way of keeping Joey alive (sounds weird, Feels weird) It’s tough navigating through April and May, as Joey’s Birthday and EOW are just 5 days apart in April, then there are all the memorials in May.

    In May of 2015, Joey was in DC receiving, honoring families as they got off the plane in DC, and/or helping them get their luggage and escorting them on the busses headed to the guest hotel.

    In 2015, Joey called me from DC and told me about the experiences he had, he was extremely excited and emotional all at the same time and wanted us to experience it with him in May 2016.

    We had our flights and hotel booked for 2016 to spend my Mother’s Day watching him preform with the Color Guard.

    However, instead April 18, 2016 changed EVERYTHING.
    I never dreamt in a million years our family would be on the receiving end of what used to be Joey’s most memorable, moving and life changing of events for him.

    Then in 2017, when we were all “First Year Survivors” our Mother’s Day….we were up in DC, not to celebrate with Joey…as he wanted me up there for Mother’s Day of 2016, but to shed a great amount of tears without him.

    I love what you put on your post, I quote:

    “ So we will spend May 19th doing something that Davey liked to do. We have found in the past that this helps us get through a tough anniversary. We’ll start a new tradition and focus on remembering the good times.
    I’m so thankful we had 34 1/2 years of good times with Davey. No regrets.”

    I too, prior to reading this post, started off our 4th year just as you explained in your post with anxiety of “Its coming again,” and didn’t know how I would handle it.

    I started the month by wanting to share our most memorable moments of Joey.

    This year, every day, I posted several pictures in the month of April. It was very difficult to look at the pictures, video’s and other memories knowing this is all we had left of Joey, But I too am grateful for the 29 yrs and 5 days I had with Joey.

    I still receive signs from him and know that he’s closer to me than ever before..but sometimes…It just hurts..It hurts to the core of my soul!!!

    I share this with you to let you know how grateful I am that our boys placed us in each other’s paths. Your posts are moving and extremely helpful.

    I cry with you and your family even when we are miles apart.

    They say, “Blessed are The Peace Makers, For They Will Be Called The Sons Of God,” We and, of course, our children fit into this verse. However, we (Parents) were given our children, never knowing that was our job, never wanting that job, but we have been dealt the job, to raise them and return them to God. We all will have our wings some day to soar with our children through the heavens.

    I leave this one thought to all Mother’s. We raised them correctly and our children are the chosen ones.

    God bless you and your family!!! You’re never alone or forgotten.

    We will forever be the first women our boy’s loved. Our Mother’s Day is special on earth and in heaven.

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    • Thank you so much for your comments and encouragement. I’m sorry to know that we’re both on this very painful road. I had never thought about how I am the first woman Davey loved💙. That’s awesome! May God bless you and your family as well. Hopefully someday we will get to meet.💙💙💙

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  2. The pain will never go away. It has a memory that just keeps coming back. Yet we find strength through God to continue to find reasons to celebrate the glories instead of curling up in a small ball and not put honoring our loved ones who are not physically here with us. Love you Judy and Dave. I will pray for peace in your hearts. Stay healthy.💙💙💙

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