It happened again this week. While talking with someone I just met, the subject came up and I said my son had been killed over 9 years ago.  Nine years.

Sometimes the pain feels like yesterday.  It’s very hard.  And saying it makes it more real. I still can’t believe I have to live the rest of my life here on earth without him. That doesn’t seem possible.

For weeks after Davey’s death, I would wake up every morning hoping that it was all just a bad dream.

Praying that it was all a nightmare that I could wake up from.

Every morning I would open my eyes and look around my bedroom – hoping I wouldn’t see the frame on my dresser which holds the last Mother’s Day card I’ll ever get from Davey.  The one he signed “I love you”.

Every morning I would hope I wouldn’t see his memorial picture that hung in my kitchen.  He had such a great smile.

As I looked around, I was hoping that I wouldn’t see the blue line flag I painted when a bunch of us got together to try to start healing our broken hearts. Together, we are stronger.

But I saw the card and the picture and the flag everyday.

Because it wasn’t just a very bad dream.  The worst happened.

The nightmare is real.

It’s 9 years later and I know the nightmare is still very real to a whole group of us who knew Davey well and loved him.  I can see it in your eyes. Our hearts are broken.  There’s a big gaping hole in our lives.  We can’t go back to our old lives because Davey is not there.  It’s like a dimmer switch has been turned down on the light and laughter and joy in our world.

I don’t know how people can deal with tragedy like this without faith in God. I believe that, because he had put his faith in Jesus, Davey is in heaven with his Father God.  With my Father God.  He’s there with my mother, father, stepfather,  all three of my brothers and many more of my family and friends who have gone home before me.  I believe that God is in the process of bringing good out of the evil that was done.  I believe that I’ve been left behind because God has a part for me in his plan.

One night not long after he was killed, Davey walked into my dream.  I was sitting at the table with my daughter-in-law and my little granddaughter.  It felt like a regular ‘time to color’ or ‘let’s eat’.  Then Davey walked in and sat down, crossing his long legs like he always did.  He gave us a big smile.  He didn’t say anything.  He just smiled at all of us.

I looked at my daughter-in-law and blinked.

Maybe everything else really was all just a dream!!

It felt so real.  The explosion of hope in my heart was so strong that it woke me up.

And the nightmare was back. There are times that I just want to live in that dream.

But Davey’s big smile stays with me.  He’s happy.  He is in a place with no sadness, pain or nightmares. The battle between good and evil that he committed his adult life to here on earth is over for him.  Where he is, the good guys have won.  Davey has won.

On the day that is already determined for me, I will see him again.  It will not be a dream, it will be my new, eternal reality.

What about you?

I know he would like to see you again, too.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.