I Will Never Forget…..

His smile.daveys-college-graduation

His quick wit.

His intelligence.

His natural athletic abilities.

His integrity.

His love for God.

His love to have fun.

His love for his family.

His love for his friends.

His love for people in general.

fullsizerenderIn the months ahead, we will have several chances to get together to remember Dave’s commitment to serve and protect.

To remember his strength and courage to do the right thing.

And to remember the sacrifice he made for people he didn’t even know in order to make this world a better, safer place for those of us who are left behind.

At the end of this post, I have listed the memorials that are planned locally for the next months –  leading up to our trip to Washington, DC to honor Dave as they add his name to the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial.

We would love for you to join us for these local memorials.

Because we are honoring Dave.  

AND because we are honoring all of my brothers and sisters who wear the Blue uniform.

We are honoring your commitment to serve and protect.

We are honoring your strength and courage to do the right thing.

We are honoring the sacrifice you make every day in order to make this world a better, safer place for the rest of us.

We are also honoring the sacrifice your family and friends make every day as they love and support you.

Our Family in Blue loves together, laughs together, cries together and stands together.

We remember.  We honor.

We never forget.

 

You are invited to join us –  (I don’t have all the information yet, I’ll fill in whatever information is missing as we get closer):

City Memorial, February 17, 9 am, Orpheum Theatre

Annual Awards Ceremony, March 8, Orpheum Theatre

PPD Memorial, April 28, 5 pm, City Hall.

State Memorial, May 1.

#fallenbutneverforgotten

 

Can You Feel It?

It’s growing……

Your heart.

My heart.

If we’re taking this ‘love you’ idea seriously.  Remembering to say ‘Love you’.  Remembering to show love to other people.

It makes our hearts grow bigger.

It opens up our hearts in new ways to new people.

New understandings.  New opportunities to love.

Can you feel it?

I know my heart has a lot more blue in it now.  My family in Blue has helped my heart grow as they have shown so much love and care for my immediate family this last 8 months.  So many people, so many tears, so many hugs.  New family members who will never leave my heart.daves-squad

As my heart grows, I also feel more compassion for people – especially people who have gone through a tragedy like our’s.  Every report of a fallen officer tugs at my heart as I think about their family and friends going through the dark days, roller coaster weeks and painful months that we’ve gone through.  That we’re still going through.

Add our blue tragedies to all of the bad things happening to other people right around us and the pain piles very high and very deep.  Our love needs to pile on even higher and deeper.

There are so many different ways of showing love.

It’s very obvious that many people in our culture today don’t realize how much love and care Police Officers show them everyday.  Davey told me several times that he didn’t want to spend his time catching regular citizens who made a simple mistake.  He wanted to get the mean and evil people off of the streets and into jail.  The monsters who murder the innocent.  The losers who sell drugs to make themselves a lot of money while creating more losers.  The evil ones whose only thoughts are for themselves and how to take from others.img_2410

My brothers and sisters who wear the blue uniform – you show your love every minute of every shift as you clean up the filth on our streets, helping to make them safer for the rest of us.  And you continue to show your love off duty with helping others and always being part of the solution.  That’s just how you are.

People who bleed blue show a very special love defined by service and honor.

We need more of that in our world.

Love you!

 

 

 

I Don’t Want to be Here

There are days I don’t want to be ‘here’.

So I go ‘there’.  But ‘there’ becomes ‘here’ and I don’t want to be ‘here’.

So I go somewhere else but, when I get there, that’s not where I want to be, either.

What’s going on?

with-davey-for-merles-birthdayWhy do I have these periods of time when I just don’t want to be where ever I am?

And then I figured it out.

My heart is searching for Davey.  He’s not ‘here’, so maybe he’s ‘there’.

But he’s not ‘there’, either.

My heart has not completely adjusted to the reality of Davey’s death.  It’s still looking for him.  But it never finds him.

I recently had a conversation with my daughter, Katie, where we discovered that we both still see glimpses of Davey – in a crowd or in a car speeding by.  Is that him?

For a second, there he is!

Because we want to see him.

We want it to be him.

But we both know it’s not him.  The truth comes rushing in.  The reality that it can’t be him breaks our hearts again.  The reality that it will never be him again this side of heaven starts the tears flowing.davey-andkate-at-daveys-wedding-cropped

Our brains just have not completely adjusted to Davey’s death.  We’re still looking for him.

My heart and mind don’t want it to be true.

But – at some point –

they will adjust to reality and stop looking for him.

I know it will happen.  I can’t stop it.

I’m not looking forward to it.

I will lose another little part of him on that day.

 

It Has Been Decided

Our son, David, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 19, 2016.

These last 8  months have been the most difficult and painful time of my life.

One of the ways God has comforted me is through this truth – ” A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.” Job 14:5.dave-and-grandma-at-northwestern

God has already decided which day will be the last day of your life here on earth and mine.

Knowing this helped me let go of my mother when she passed away 11 years ago.  We had a very close relationship and she was my role-model for how a Christian woman lives her life faithful to God – all the way to her last breath here on earth.  I realized, if God wanted her in heaven with him, then that’s what I wanted for her.  She was an awesome grandmother to my children and these pictures of her with Davey bring back great memories.

Ten years ago I found myself in ICU with twelve blood clots in my lungs – a life-threatening situation.  God told me clearly that I wasn’t going to die then and I didn’t – even though 5 doctors told me the blood clots should have killed me.davey-and-grandma-rolls

It just wasn’t my day.

I know that God has reasons for picking May 19 as Davey’s final day here on earth. I may never understand those reasons but I trust God.  And, since God wants him in heaven, that’s what I want for him.

Knowing that this date was determined before Davey was born helps me avoid needless regrets…like –

  • I wish he hadn’t gone on that call.davey-and-mom
    • It wouldn’t have mattered.  This was his day.
  • I wish he hadn’t gone to work that day.
    • It would have happened no matter what he was doing.
  • I wish he hadn’t been a police officer.
    • He was born to be a police officer and he died honorably, serving his community and doing what he loved to do.  He wouldn’t have wanted to live or die any other way.

It was decided.  There is no ‘wishing’ something else had happened.  God decreed the number of Davey’s days here on earth and then he took Davey home.

Now, standing on a foundation of God’s love and strength and grace, the rest of us are left on the earth to figure out how to move forward.  We need to figure out why we’re still here – what is God’s purpose for keeping us here?  And then we need to do it….until the day arrives that is already decided for us.

Meanwhile, through the tears, we focus on loving God and loving each other.

A bigger chunk of my heart is now in heaven with you, Abba Father.

The Bomb

A bomb exploded in my life on May 18, 2016.

My plans were made.  I was on a course that had my son’s smile and laughter plastered all over it.

And then the bomb went off – sending me onto a whole new trajectory.  Onto a path I never wanted to be on.  My former plans don’t fit the journey I am on now.

I know I’m not alone.  There is a large group of us who were loving life with Davey when the bomb went off.

And now we find ourselves in this other world…..which is significantly darker….and has an obvious empty space,

Don’t tell me time heals all wounds.  This mother’s heart has a hole in it which will not be healed this side of heaven.

But….

here I am……

-changing my Christmas decorations and house decorations to blue because it’s my new favorite color and it reminds me of a life lived well that ended too soon.

-visiting his spot at the cemetery every week and watching it become gradually more permanent.  The bench with drawings on it from my grand darlings is a new and very special addition.

-retiring in 2 days after over 34 years with corporate Jack in the Box.  My retirement looks very different now from what I thought it was going to look like before May.

And here we are….

-planning a trip to Washington, DC for Police Week in May where Davey will be honored and memorialized.

-organizing a big golf tournament on April 15 which will benefit First Responders through PLEA and the Dave Glasser Foundation.

We’re on a very different path than any of us expected before May 18th.

A couple of days before Christmas, I was shopping and found a small plate with ‘Embrace the Journey’ written on it.  I stood in that store in front of that plate for a long time.

Thinking……………………………….

About the bomb that has gone off in my life and in the lives of so many people I love.

Thinking about all of the things we don’t know about the road we are on now.

Thinking about the pain and the grief and the tears of the last 7 months.

Thinking about 2016 – marked by tragedy but colored by love.

This year, we have learned a lot about loving each other and making sure we tell each other.  We have learned a lot about what’s really important – and what’s not.  Our hearts have grown bigger as we’ve reached out in love to the people moving forward with us on this journey.

It is definitely a journey.

And it has only begun.

So, standing in that store, I decided to Embrace the Journey.  It’s my goal for 2017.

Embracing means to accept or support something willingly and enthusiastically.  I am here and I am willing.  The enthusiasm is going to take some time.

Of course I bought the dish and now I put my wedding ring on it every night.  My wedding ring changed this year, too.  Since its the only piece of jewelry that I always wear, I added blue sapphires to it.  Fallen but never forgotten.embrace-the-journey

As I place my ring with its new sapphires on its new dish at the end of every long day with its many ups and downs, I am reminded of my commitment to Embrace this Journey.

If a bomb went off in your life and you’re on a whole different road than where you started 2016, you are welcome to share my goal.

We’re in a whole new place.  We’ve already started figuring out how to make it a good place as we love and care for each other.

2017 – Embrace the Journey.