I Don’t Want to be Here

There are days I don’t want to be ‘here’.

So I go ‘there’.  But ‘there’ becomes ‘here’ and I don’t want to be ‘here’.

So I go somewhere else but, when I get there, that’s not where I want to be, either.

What’s going on?

with-davey-for-merles-birthdayWhy do I have these periods of time when I just don’t want to be where ever I am?

And then I figured it out.

My heart is searching for Davey.  He’s not ‘here’, so maybe he’s ‘there’.

But he’s not ‘there’, either.

My heart has not completely adjusted to the reality of Davey’s death.  It’s still looking for him.  But it never finds him.

I recently had a conversation with my daughter, Katie, where we discovered that we both still see glimpses of Davey – in a crowd or in a car speeding by.  Is that him?

For a second, there he is!

Because we want to see him.

We want it to be him.

But we both know it’s not him.  The truth comes rushing in.  The reality that it can’t be him breaks our hearts again.  The reality that it will never be him again this side of heaven starts the tears flowing.davey-andkate-at-daveys-wedding-cropped

Our brains just have not completely adjusted to Davey’s death.  We’re still looking for him.

My heart and mind don’t want it to be true.

But – at some point –

they will adjust to reality and stop looking for him.

I know it will happen.  I can’t stop it.

I’m not looking forward to it.

I will lose another little part of him on that day.


2 responses to “I Don’t Want to be Here”

  1. No matter what, he is always with you. Never can be taken away his spirit, the memories of him, the legacy he left behind. I love you, Judy and Dave ~xoxo


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