I never wanted to be here….

Since my son, David, was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016, there are many things I don’t like about my current circumstances.  Topping the list are my two fatherless grandchildren.  Davey was such a great dad!  His death has left a huge hole in their lives that will never be filled.

I could go on and on about all of the things I don’t like about this situation.  I have an endless list in my brain of things I would change if I could –

if I was God.

Which I’m not.

And that reminds me that God could change my situation if he wanted to.  He has total control – and I mean total.  I’ve been following his directions – listening and obeying – so I know that I am here because this is God’s plan for me.   This is my purpose.  This is the path he has given me.

I need to find contentment here.

I am convicted about this as I read the historical account of the Israelites in Egypt as they travel through the desert.  God provided food for them every day without fail.  ‘Every family had just what they needed.’  But the Israelites struggled with this all through their journey – they wanted more, they wanted something different.  They never found contentment even though God provided – every day.

I don’t want to be like them so I’m going to trust that God knew what he was doing when He put me on this path.  I will remember that God is providing strength and love and purpose for my life every day.

Somehow, I must find contentment in these circumstances – this is where God wants me to be.

That’s not going to be easy.

Miss you, Davey.

Now I want to go back.

In the past, whenever I would be with people who were talking about how they’d like to go back to being 16 or 21 or 39, I would always say I didn’t want to go back.  Each age has its benefits and trials.  Each phase of my life has had its rewards and challenges.  I have never wanted to go back to redo or un-do things.

But I recently realized that I have changed my mind.  Now I want to go back – to any time before Davey was killed.   I would go through all the pain and grief since May 18, 2016 when he was killed in the line of duty if I could go back and relive my last hour with Davey.  Or just the last 10 minutes.  It would be worth it to see his smile one more time.  I just want to hear him laugh.

This picture of Davey was taken at his home about a month before he was killed.  I am so glad we took a bunch of family photos with him that day – they are all extremely precious to me.  When I got to his house that day, he had on some old, ragged, weird-colored clothes and he casually mentioned he was ready for the pictures.  He knew I always tried to do a little color coordinating when we took family photos and he probably put on his crazy clothes just to get a response from me.  I’ll never forget –  I gave him my ‘mom look’ and he laughed.  I knew he was joking so I didn’t have to say anything.  He changed his clothes without another word said – I’m sure he had it all planned out what he was really going to wear.  He just liked to joke around and have fun.  I really miss that.

I want to go back.  I would not  un-do anything – I just want to do it again.

But I know I can’t go back.  And in a group of people who are talking about going back, I probably wouldn’t bring this up because it hits the empty hole in my heart.  The hole that hurts.  The hole that makes it hard to smile sometimes.  It’s the hole that aches at times as I watch his children play sports – he would have been so proud of them.  He would have been spending a lot of time practicing with them and helping them improve – he was a great coach.

My head knows I can’t go back but my heart wants to.

My head knows that the only direction I can go is forward.  All of the great things happening with the David Glasser Foundation have been helping to make moving forward easier.  Being able to continue the work Davey started with the kids and families in Laveen helps the future look brighter.  Witnessing the great things taking place through the efforts of everyone who volunteers for the foundation and supports the foundation brings a purpose and light into my life.  Seeing kids’ lives being positively changed because of the work of the foundation brings joy.

But I would still go back….in a heartbeat.

Miss you, Davey.

It never used to be a tough question….but it is,

now.

When someone who doesn’t know me asks me, “Do you have any children?” my brain now goes through a whole series of decisions.  My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.  So my answer to this question has drastically changed.

It used to be my favorite question to answer but now it’s become complicated.  Do I want to get into the whole story?  I have to get into some of it.  How much of it do I want to share?  I love talking about Davey but I don’t like to share a lot of details about his death with strangers.  I never know which emotional buttons will be triggered and having tears roll down my face is not a great ice breaker as I’m getting to know people.

“Do you have any children?” should be an easy question to answer but it has become a difficult one for me.  If my emotions are running high, I’ll just talk about my daughter and son-in-law and daughter-in-law and then jump into all the great things about my grand darlings.  That usually distracts people and they don’t ask anything about my son.  Some people are naturally curious and like to know details – details I don’t want to get into.   These are situations where I say, “It’s tough to talk about.” and leave it at that.

I have no problem talking about Davey with people who knew him.  We share stories and smile.  We remember good times together.  Some of the stories still bring the tears but they are good tears from great memories of an awesome person.

My heart yearns to go back to when Davey was here.  My brain knows I can’t but my heart feels the hole, the huge empty spot in my life.  This is the place where my tears come from.  This is the place that is often touched when I’m asked, “Do you have any children?”

I met one father who said he had a daughter in Phoenix, a son in New York and another son in heaven.  Interesting.  I like it.  Because it’s current.  Davey is in heaven right now.

I think I’ll start using that answer because it doesn’t touch the big empty spot in my heart.

Miss you, Davey.

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