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It’s a Tough, Tough Journey

The first day of May is coming very quickly. For the last 8 years, this has been a long, difficult month for me. I already feel the cloud of grief gathering over my head. My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty in May 2016. His official End of Watch is May 19 but, if you’ve read my blogs you know I often use May 18th as the day he was killed because he was gone by the time I saw him in the hospital. Machines kept his body functioning until the next day so we could say goodbye and he could fulfill his wish of being an organ donor. But the awesome son, husband, father, brother and friend that we all knew was not in that hospital bed.

May starts out with Mother’s Day. It’s bitter sweet. I am so grateful for having 34 years with Davey, I am so thankful for our daughter and her family here in Denver and I am hugely blessed to have 4 adorable grand darlings. But Mother’s Day is not all flowers and smiles for those of us who have lost a child. The hole in our lives is bigger on Mother’s Day.

And then May 15th is National Peace Officers Memorial Day. So 4 days before Davey’s official E.O.W (End of Watch) our whole Blue Family is remembering and honoring all of our fallen heroes. Too many men and women have died serving their communities. Too many families are going through the nightmare we are going through. Too many lives blown apart.

May 15th is part of Police Week in Washington, DC. The main events of Police Week are the Candlelight Vigil and the Memorial Service. I have good, but bittersweet memories from 2017 when my family attended the entire week’s conference. Davey’s name is engraved on the Law Enforcement Memorial in Washington, DC. at 38 – W:30. If you haven’t been there, you’ll need to go the next time you are in town. It will help you remember that there are still a lot of people in this country who stand for honor, courage and sacrifice. There are thousands of people who have died serving their communities and cities.

We are hosting a Neighborhood Driveway Happy Hour on May 15th in our community in order to commemorate National Peace Officers Memorial Day. I think its important to raise awareness for all the sacrifices police officers make in order to serve and protect. The average person may not be aware this day exists but our goal is to make sure people who live around us know about it.

May 18th will forever be the worst day of my life. We always get together with family on either the 18th or 19th to remember Davey together. There is usually some cornhole involved since Davey loved to play games and have fun.

I’m sure you can start to understand why May is an especially hard month for me.

My long, difficult month of May always ends on a high note with my wedding anniversary with Dave, my husband. Forty-three years this year. It is a light at the end of a dark tunnel of remembering and it gives us something positive to celebrate. It is an accomplishment to be proud of, especially because together we have survived the worst thing that can happen to a parent. Our anniversary reminds us that our marriage has been one of our anchors in the continuing storm of missing Davey.

This year, May will end for me with a big Broadway Review all done by members of my 55+ community. Lights, costumes, and dancing – it’s all happening for 3 shows. I’m a singer so I’m in a couple of small group numbers and all of the big chorus numbers. That makes my participation low on stress and high on music and fun. I’m hoping this will help May speed by for me in a flurry of practices and rehearsals.

The main thing that has helped me keep moving forward through the roller coaster of pain and grief that has defined my life these last almost 8 years is getting as close to God as I possibly can. God remains my Rock as he shows me how to survive with a heart that was smashed on May 18, 2016. I spend many hours each week with my Bible open on my lap, listening and talking to God.

The amount of hours I spend with my Father will be going way up in May.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst Happens6 Comments

It’s Really May 18th

My son, David Glasser’s, official End of Watch is May 19, 2016. But the real date he left this earth is May 18.

You would know that as well if you had seen him. His body was hooked up to all kinds of machines that were keeping his lungs moving and his heart beating.

But Davey – the fun, smart, wonderful son, husband, dad, brother and friend  – was already gone. He was already with his Father God.

It’s been 10 years since Davey was killed and I’m still very thankful for all of the support we received that night and ever since then.

I am thankful to modern medicine which gave us time the night he was shot to start coming to terms to our new reality.  We had several hours to figure out how to start to say good-bye.  It helped.

I am thankful that the machines were able to keep his organs alive so that he could give the gift of life to so many other people.  Our families have been blessed by other organ donors so we know what an important thing this is.  Knowing that helped.

I am thankful for the doctors and nurses who treated Davey with care and respect.  They also were very helpful and understanding to those of us who spent the darkest hours of that night in a room next to Davey in unbelief of what was happening.  It helped.

I am thankful for the rooms full of police officers and friends at the hospital who prayed for us and supported us through those awful hours.  It helped.

I am thankful for the family and friends all over the country who prayed for us through that night.   I am thankful for all of the people who didn’t even know us and they prayed for us.  I am grateful to all the people who still pray for us. It has helped.

daves-squad
eau

I am thankful for Dave’s squad who, disregarding their own pain, had the worst job of making telephone calls and getting us to the hospital.   I am also  thankful for the Employee Assistance Unit led by Sgt. Dave Osborne.   Both of these teams promised support and they meant it.   It really helped.

I am thankful for the entire Phoenix Police Department who supported us that night any way they possibly could.   They parked our cars so we could run right into the hospital, they brought food, they picked up family at the airport, they took care of the press, they drove us home, they never left their watch on Dave’s room and much more.  They continue to support us and they go out of their way to help the David Glasser Foundation every December with out Shop with a Cop event. It has all helped.

I am thankful for Pastor Mark Grochoki from the church we were attending then, Palm Valley, who somehow found a way through the crowds and lines of police in the hospital that night to pray for us in a small, dark corner of the hospital lobby.  It was an oasis of peace in a very long, terrible night.  It helped.

I am thankful for the Police Chaplain, Bob Fesmire, who is so clearly called by God to walk families like ours through the most painful hours of our lives. Your words of wisdom cut through the shock and helped us move forward.  You prayed for us through the night when we had no words.  I will never forget your prayer as we said our last goodbyes before leaving the hospital.  I don’t recall the exact words of your prayer but I remember God reaching out through them to wrap his arms around me to comfort me.  You were Jesus with skin on that night, my brother.  You really helped.

I am thankful for the Concerns of Police Survivors (COPS) organization which continues to support us and care for us. I appreciate all the memorials where it is very clear that Davey’s service and sacrifice will never be forgotten. I am thankful for the large number of people who faithfully support the David Glasser Foundation and it’s efforts to continue Davey’s legacy of loving people in his city.

May 18th, 2016 was Davey’s last day on this planet.  That was the day he went to his forever home. Now he lives in our hearts and our memories until we see him again in heaven.

I’m not saying that we need to change the date on all the plaques and forms.

I just wanted you to know……..

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

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Ten Years Ago

10 years ago, on Mother’s Day, was the last day I saw Davey’s smile.

It’s hard to believe a decade has passed. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. It reminds me again that I have a ‘before’ part of my life and an ‘after’ part. The before is before Davey was killed and it is filled with precious memories of when my family was whole. I am now in the after part of my life which has a big 6’5″ hole in it.

Some of the best words to describe this last 10 years is – it’s been a bittersweet struggle. My son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty on May 19, 2016 – right after Mother’s Day.   The horror of that day has overshadowed my Mother’s Day ever since.  The permanent, painful changes in my life make my broken heart ache – especially on this day.

Memories of my last Mother’s Day with Davey are burned into my brain. I was told later that he had the opportunity for some off-duty work that day but he turned it down, saying he wanted to spend the day with the ‘mothers’ in his life.  That doesn’t surprise me – that’s who he was.  He had his priorities straight.

Davey also knew I was alone that day because my husband had taken an emergency flight to Pennsylvania.  My husband’s father had just died.  Yes, my father-in-law passed away 13 days before our son was killed.  Have you ever felt the crushing impact of multiple bombs going off in your life?

When I remember that Mother’s Day, all I can think about is sitting outside at lunch with Davey and his family.  I remember what it felt like to hang out with him – to laugh and have fun.  I remember how different my world felt with him in it.

My Mother’s Day will never be the same.  There is an important person missing.

But then I remember how grateful I am to have my daughter and four gorgeous grand darlings –  each one of them is such a blessing in my life!  When I focus on them, Mother’s Day starts to sparkle again.  All the possibilities!  All the new memories to make! I have a lot to celebrate! Watching my daughter as she does an awesome job being a mother to her two small children brings me joy. Watching my grand darlings grow into their own personalities and strengths is awesome.  Watching Davey’s children mature has the added joy of seeing glimpses of him as they exhibit traits they inherited from their dad.

If you have experienced the loss of a child, you know the struggle that I’m describing.  Dark hours and then the light shines through.  Things going smooth….until they don’t.  Several days without tears and then a day when it’s hard to stop the waterfall.

Mother’s day – it’s bitter sweet when you have lost a child.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

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What’s Under It?

May 18, 2016 seemed just like any other day.

And then I received the call that my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, had been shot.  Before the night ended, he was gone.

I felt like the rug of my life was completely pulled out from under my feet.  Nothing was what it was before.  My husband and I lived a mile away from Davey and his family and Davey was my husband’s best friend so there was daily interactions and conversations.

But now Davey was gone.

And the ‘rug’ was gone.

The ‘rug’ includes all of the material and superficial stuff in my life – the things that seemed to matter a lot until we were hit with this tragedy. When something horrible like this happens, none of that means anything anymore.  It’s all very trivial.

The ‘rug’  was not going to help me survive. The ‘rug’ was not important enough to get me out of bed in the morning after Davey died.  It wasn’t important enough to motivate me to look up out of my grief and try to move forward.

When the ‘rug’ is gone, it exposes what is under it.

What is really important?

What’s left?

What do I say and how do I act when my world is shaking and crumbling around me? What kind of character have I developed?

The real question is – how solid is the foundation I’ve been building my life on?

If you’ve experienced a tragedy in your life, you have had no choice – you had to answer these questions.  All of the people who have been seriously affected by a tragedy find themselves having to deal with the answers to these questions.

I have had to answer these questions.

The good news is that my foundation held.  It didn’t crack – it never even shook.

My life is built on a relationship with my Father God who was and is and will always be.  He never leaves my side and he gives me motivation to get up every morning.

God has won the war that is being waged here on earth.  It is finished.

But I’m still here because I have a purpose to complete – a piece of his plan to accomplish.  And then he will take me home – where Davey is.

The ‘rug’ disappeared but God never moved. My foundation is built solidly on the Rock. Thank you, Father.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

 

 

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He Noticed

He saw me.

He saw you.

He noticed what was going on with us.

We weren’t just a blur in his day.

He noticed.

My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty May 18, 2016.  Since that time, I have received hundreds of comments and messages from all different people and many of these comments sounded something like, ” I didn’t know David well but, whenever he saw me, he would smile and talk with me.  He often encouraged me or made me laugh.  I could tell he was one of the good guys.”

He noticed people.  He cared about us – and we all realized it, didn’t we?

When Davey was around,  you and I could tell he cared because of the things he said and how he acted.  We knew he liked spending time with us.  We were all important to him.

There were some things he didn’t care about – like your age or ethnic background or how popular you were.  He would often make jokes about those things because he really didn’t think they were important.  In fact, if he found out you didn’t have many friends, he would immediately adopt you and draw you into his large circle of friends.  Suddenly, you had a LOT of friends!  Those of you who tailgated with him saw this all the time.

He noticed.  And he cared about the important stuff.

This made him a great police officer.  People mattered.  And he was willing to do something about it.

The board of directors for the David Glasser Foundation had the opportunity to talk with the 1st Graders of Cheatham Elementary School a year after Davey was killed.  Cheatham is the closest elementary school to the location where Davey was shot.  These 1st graders were really excited about the new backpacks they had received from the David Glasser Foundation the month before when school started and they wanted to show their appreciation.

So many bright and happy faces.

So much energy and enthusiasm for life.

So much potential to be a positive contributor to their community in the future and make it a better place to live.

And they live in one of the highest risk areas of Phoenix.

A high risk of being a victim of a crime.

A high risk of being influenced into making bad choices and becoming part of the problem.

A high risk of losing their enthusiasm for being a positive contributor in their community.

Their future was at risk.

For all these reasons, this was the area of Phoenix where Davey chose to risk his own life to serve and protect. He noticed. He cared.

He made a difference.

And his legacy lives on.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

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It’s Still Beating

He had the Heart of a Warrior and –

somewhere –

his heart is still beating.

My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.  He was also an organ donor.

Davey was only 34 years-old and in excellent physical condition when he was killed by a shot to his head.   As a result, a whole crowd of people who are still walking on this earth received his life-giving organs.

And someone got the Heart of a Warrior.

It’s still beating.

This heart beats for justice.

It beats for integrity and honor.

It beats for courage and personal sacrifice.

And it beats strongly for loving God and loving each other.

I believe that each of us has our own Warrior’s Heart.  God gave us things we are passionate about – things that make our hearts beat faster.  We’re all different so these passions are different as well.

The issues that we really care about are the areas where we are supposed to stand up and do something helpful, something positive.

How do I make a difference in this world?

How do you make a difference?

One very easy way we can make a difference is sign up to be an organ donor like Davey.  I’ve done that.  Have you?

Other ways to make a difference aren’t as easy but we need to figure out how to use our passions and our energy to have a positive effect on our world.  Don’t just talk about it – do it.  What do you get riled up about?  What angers you?  What frustrates you?  That is where your passion lies.

One of the failures in our current culture is too many people are spending their precious time and resources standing against and protesting against things.

But what are they standing for?

Their time and resources could be used to help people – to make a positive difference.

It’s a choice.

I choose to help grow the light at the end of the tunnel.  I choose to stand for what is right and honorable.  I stand for justice and freedom in our country by standing for the Thin Blue Line between the evil and innocent.

My Warrior’s Heart beats for loving God and loving others.

What does your Warrior’s Heart beat for?

What are you doing about it?

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

 

 

 

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The Day My World Blew Up

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A bomb exploded in my life on May 18, 2016.

My plans were made.  I was on a course that had my son’s smile and laughter plastered all over it.

And then the bomb went off – sending me onto a whole new trajectory.  My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on that day. His death put me on a path I never wanted to be on.  All my former plans don’t fit the journey I am on now.

I know I’m not alone.  There is a large group of us who were loving life with Davey when the bomb went off.

And now we find ourselves in this other world…..which is darker….and has an obvious empty space.

Don’t tell me time heals all wounds.  This mother’s heart has a hole in it which will not be healed this side of heaven.

So…

here I am……

– hanging a thin blue line garden flag on my lamp post in front of my house to remember and honor Davey every day.

-renewing my Colorado Fallen Hero car license plate that has Davey’s badge number on it.

-visiting Davey’s spot in the cemetery whenever we go to Phoenix. His tree is growing well and I always add a windchime. The peaceful tinkling sound reminds me that Davey is with his Father God. He is happy. He has been given his reward. I will be there, too, someday.

-planning another get together for my friends and neighbors in my community in Denver on May 15, National Law Enforcement Memorial Day. My husband and I have been doing this for several years to remember all of our fallen heroes and bring awareness to people around us of all the sacrifices Police Officers make to serve and protect our communities.

-continuing to sponsor youth sports teams across the Phoenix Metropolitan area through the David Glasser Foundation. Davey would love this. By supporting teams which have police officer volunteers actively participating with the team, we are giving kids and their families a chance to have positive interactions with law enforcement officers. That’s our mission. We get to continue some of the work Davey would have done.

-smiling at pictures of our recent Remembrance Throwdown in honor of Davey. It’s been 10 years since he was killed. 10 years of missing him. 10 years of figuring out how to move forward from the tragedy, bringing him with us. It was so good to hang out with some of the people we went through hell with on May 18, 2016. We survived and have learned to live with the hole Davey left.

We’re on a very different path than any of us expected before May 18th, 2016.

One day about 8 months after Davey was killed, I was shopping and saw a small plate with ‘Embrace the Journey’ written on it.  I stood in that store in front of that plate for a long time.

Thinking……………………………….

About the bomb that has gone off in my life and in the lives of so many people I love.

Thinking about the pain and the grief and the tears of the last many months.

Thinking about 2016 – marked by tragedy but colored by love.

So, standing in that store, I decided to Embrace the Journey. 

embrace-the-journey

Of course I bought the dish and started putting my wedding ring on it every night.  My wedding ring changed in 2016 as well.  Since its the only piece of jewelry that I always wear, I added blue sapphires to it.  Fallen but never forgotten.

Its now 10 years later and I know a lot more about this journey – the ups and downs, the dark days and awesome memories. I still place my ring with its blue sapphires on this dish every night. Each time I do it, I am reminded of my commitment to Embrace this Journey.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

Choose a Path

When tragedy strikes, we are forced to choose a path.

When my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty 10 years ago, each of us affected by it were forced to choose a path.

When the sun came up on May 19, 2016 and Davey was dead, I had a decision to make.

Was I going to choose a path of bitterness?  Would I be defined as a victim of what was done to me for the rest of my life?  Would my life get stuck on this event?

Or would I choose life?  Would I figure out how to move forward?  Would I deal with the tears and the grief and the hole in my life in light of the fact that I was still here.  I still have a purpose.

When tragedy strikes, we are forced to choose.  Each day we make a choice.  The good news is, if we make a wrong choice one day, we can change it the next.  We have this choice until that day of our final breath.

My decision was very easy when I thought of what Davey would want me to do.  He loved life.  He loved people.  He loved God.  And he lived his life full speed ahead.

There is no question about which choices honor his legacy.  There is no doubt what he would say if we got the chance to ask.

He would say live life to its fullest.  Love people.  Love God.  Never stop growing and giving and having fun.  Live a life of no regrets.  Forgive and move on so you can avoid bitterness and a victim mentality.  Value integrity and honor.  Make your life count by caring for and helping others.

These are the choices that honor Davey and honor what he died for.

So this is what I choose.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you💙💙

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In It…..

for the long haul.

And – believe me – I never understood how long the long haul was before my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer was killed in the line of duty 10 years ago.

The long haul is not just long.  It’s hard.  It’s really painful.  It can be confusing.  It can feel like punishment for something – not sure what.  It can feel lonely…and endless…..and just not worth it.

But feelings change with the moment.  Feelings fluctuate in a second.  If I let my feelings guide me, one moment I’m down, what’s the use of all of this and then the next moment I’m smiling because I thinking of my family and our awesome daughter and grand darlings.  Emotional roller-coasters are no fun so I’ve learned to stick to the facts.  And the facts are that God’s got this and I’m committed to this journey for the long haul.

But it’s not easy.

My husband and I visited the Jack Daniel’s Distillery in Lynchburg, Tennessee not long after Davey was killed.  I was amazed at their process – they have only about 5% waste.  They have set themselves up so they can keep going just like they are for hundreds of more years.  They recycle the water they use, they sell the mash to farmers who feed it to their very happy cows and pigs, they sell the used barrels to vineyards and the public, they make their own charcoal to filter the alcohol and then they turn the used charcoal into Bbq chips we can buy for our grilling,  They are solid.  They are ‘sustainable’ which is a new buzz word for a process that is going to make it for the long haul.

They have set themselves up to be successful for a very long time.

What about me and you?  Can we say the same thing?  It’s important to ask ourselves some tough questions once in awhile to make sure we’re going to a place where we want to go.

Are the things I’m spending most of my time on worth it – for the long haul? Is the pace of my life at a rate where I can keep it up for a long time?  Are my relationships and priorities right so I will have no regrets when I take my last breath?  Am I strong enough in my beliefs and values that I’ll be able to weather the storms that are coming my way?  Or will I get tossed around, lose my way and get stuck on the rocks?

I have met quite a few people since Davey was killed that are stuck in bitterness and anger and regrets because of tragedies that have happened in their lives.  They are letting the tragedy poison the rest of their lives and they are on the road to a very lonely and sad place because they are becoming people no one else wants to be around.

My son died while serving and protecting our community.  I get to choose to honor his sacrifice by making however long I have left on this earth add to the amount of love and good in the world.  I can make a difference – over this very long haul.

Each one of us gets to choose.

What are you choosing?

Miss you, Davey.

Love you💙💙

 

 

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Survivors

“Survivors” used to make me think about people who have lived through shipwrecks and plane crashes.  These were people who had experienced the ravages of tragedy first hand and had lived through it.

Right after my son, David Glasser, who was a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016, our law enforcement family started calling us ‘survivors’.  In the fog of the first year after Davey was killed, it didn’t make sense to me.  But then it did – I definitely felt and still feel like a survivor.

Sometimes, my life since the day Davey was killed seems like a train wreck that hasn’t stopped yet.  Railroad cars filled with my hopes and dreams keep coming.

But the track broke almost 10 year ago…

and the cars keep falling off the track –

one by one,

down…

into a deep,

dark

ravine.

There’s a big, growing pile of my broken dreams at the bottom of this ravine.

Other days, it feels more like we were all on a ship that was hit by a huge hurricane.  The storm was totally unexpected. It was huge and ferocious. When our ship crashed into the rocks, we were washed up on an unknown shore – missing one very special person.

We landed in a place we never wanted to be.  But we’re here together.  The old ship is gone.

We’re all trying to survive in this new place.

With a heart that is broken into a million pieces and with a huge hole in my life, I have been figuring out how to survive without Davey for almost 10 years. God had a purpose for bringing Davey home to heaven and he has a purpose for leaving me here.

If you have survived a tragedy, the same can be said for you.

There’s a reason. There’s a plan. We just need to figure it out and go about our Father’s business.

It’s why we’re still here.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.💙💙

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Memories

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Today was a day full of memories. Most of them were very good even though some of the sad ones snuck in. Today we gathered together family and friends for a Cornhole tournament in Davey’s honor. My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 19, 2016. Almost 10 years ago.

A lifetime ago.

Several of the people who were at the cornhole tournament today were there that night. The night Davey died. The night that all of our lives blew up. The night that it felt like I had been dropped into hell and several of the people that were there today went with me. They did everything they knew to do to help even though their hearts were broken and hurting, too. I know hell is worse because God isn’t there but this was by far the worst night of my life. I have a lot of very bad memories of that night.

The entire week between Davey’s death and his funeral felt surreal – this really wasn’t happening. There was no reason to smile, the world was very dark and everything was bad. It felt like all that was light and good had disappeared from my world. These same people I saw today were feeding us and driving us and taking care of all the hundreds of details of organizing Davey’s funeral. I have a bunch of foggy, sad memories of that week.

It was at Davey’s funeral that his buddy, James Byrd, told us that Davey had the habit of saying ‘love you’ instead of good-by and he had his squad of big, tough cops saying it to each other. We knew Davey said it to us, we didn’t know he said it to everybody he cared for. It was very comforting to know that the last thing Davey had said to all of us was ‘love you’ and the last thing we had said to him was ‘love you’.

So we all adopted the habit and started saying it to everyone. And light gradually started to show through the darkness. The fog started lifting. These same people continued for care for us and support us. In my memories, things gradually became less dark, less painful.

It took 3 years for most of my memories of those early years of losing Davey to become more precious than painful. The memories of the first several months after he was killed will always be difficult. But love eventually changed my journey from grief into gratitude for the 34 1/2 years we had him in our lives.

And I feel very grateful to many of the people I saw today for their care and love all the way from then to now. Those will always be my good memories.

Missed you today, Davey.

Love you.