Tag: a parent's grief

How Tough Are You?

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst HappensLeave a comment

It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. Figuring out how to deal with the extreme grief and loss I felt after my son, David Glasser, was killed has been a brutal journey. He was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.

My life blew up…. and then crumbled. Everyone closest to me spiraled off into their own pits of grief and pain as their worlds turned upside down without Davey. My husband had multiple bombs going off in his life – his father passed away 11 days before Davey was killed. Davey was his best friend….and now he was gone, too.

After the initial dust of the explosion settled, I realized I didn’t know much about extreme grief. My mother and father had passed away along with my older brother. My mother was the youngest child of 16 kids in her family so there was a regular progression of grandparents and aunts and uncles funerals as I grew up.

None of that felt anything like Davey’s death. A child at any age dying before their parents is devastatingly different.

The experts tells us there are many stages of grief and I experienced all of them. I have met people who have gotten stuck in some of the negative stages of grief like bitterness and anger. My goal was not to get stuck. I wanted to deal with my grief in a healthy manner that was going to help me move forward.

God had a huge part in helping me work through the negative stages of my grief. He has been my Rock and he gave me strength to ‘be there’ for others in my life when I had no strength of my own. He has walked closely with me down this very dark path of losing a child.

Other than the Bible, there were a couple of books I found very helpful. One of them was Option B by Sheryl Sandberg. She was planning to share the rest of her life with her husband, growing old together as they watched their grandchildren learn how to walk and ride a bicycle and drive a car. This was Option A.

Then her husband suddenly died, leaving her behind to do everything by herself. This was Option B. Sheryl didn’t want Option B. But that was her only choice.

Wow! I could relate to that! I was supposed to grow old watching Davey retire from the Police Department and follow his dream of teaching in a high school and coaching basketball. I’m sure he would have coached both of his kids in a variety of sports. I was supposed to watch him walk his daughter down the aisle and play with his grandchildren. I could go on and on. Option A was fantastic!

I don’t want Option B – life without Davey. But I have no choice. The evil in our broken world catapulted me into Option B.

One of the main ideas that stuck out to me in Sheryl’s book was that we can build our resilience. Resilience is our ability to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties. It’s how tough we are. We can develop processes that improve our response to problems and help us bounce back more quickly.

Yes. I was extremely interested because I knew Davey’s death may be the largest tsunami to hit my life, but it wasn’t going to be the last difficult situation I was going to have to deal with. I didn’t want grief issues piling on top of health issues piling on top of relationship issues while I was ‘stuck’ in negativity. And we know, it’s not a matter of ‘if’ something bad is going to happen to us, it’s a matter of ‘when’.

I am also a process-oriented person so – Yes! Give me a process!

I didn’t get a process that was going to work for me from reading the book, so I started praying about it and God gave me one. He reminded me of the things I know to be true about him. He reminded me of his promises to me and that he always keeps his promises.

I gradually developed my own process of filtering everything that happens to me through these truths – –God is in control of everything.

-God is good, all the time.

-God loves me with a perfect love.

-Nothing is impossible for God.

-He has promised that he is working everything out for my good and he always keeps his promises.

These truths keep me grounded and in line with God when my painful circumstances try to make my emotions go up and down and around on a roller coaster. I have given all my ‘why’s’ to God – he’s in control. I don’t understand everything and I don’t like what has happened to me but I’m going to trust God with all of it.

He is God…and I am not.

This process has been invaluable to me as I go down this very dark and long road of living here on earth without Davey. Everything that happens to me gets filtered through what I know to be true about God and I rest in His goodness.

My response to bad things happening has been repeatedly tested since then – remember I said, it’s not a matter of ‘if’ something bad is going to happen, it’s a matter of ‘when’.

Two years ago, my husband was taken to the emergency room by an ambulance. It was a life threatening situation. In the emergency room, they called a ‘code’ and the available hospital personnel came running to help. They saved his life that day.

Many people talked to me about how ‘scary’ that must have been. I realized my process of growing my resilience had really worked because I was not scared, I was not worried.

God was in control. He is good, all the time. He loves me and he loves my husband with a perfect love. Nothing is impossible for him. He is always working things out for my good. I need to trust him.

It has been a constant stream of issues with my husband’s heart ever since then – surgeries, procedures, issues, nights in the hospital. My process of filtering everything that happens to me through the things I know are true about God has kept me on an even path, ready to face whatever is next.

It works. You are welcome to adopt and adapt my resilience process if you like. Because the question is not ‘if’, the question is ‘when’.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

I Keep Losing

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst Happens4 Comments

It’s not stopping. My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix police officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016. My world blew up. My plans and dreams for the future were ripped away because he had a part in all of them.

It’s impossible to express how much I lost that day. And I just keep losing.

If you have a child who has died, you understand this. If you have not, you can’t relate to the growing hole in your life where your child should have been. There is a continuous stream of reminders of what could have been, what should have been.

I received a punch in the gut this week when I realized that Davey would probably have been retiring from the Police force this year. It’s been 8 years since he was killed and he had been a police officer for 12 years when he died.

Davey had big plans for his retirement. He talked about getting his teaching certificate so he could teach high schoolers and also coach basketball. His son is in Junior High School now and I know Davey had lots of plans to coach Micah all through high school. Even though his daughter, Eden, was only 2 when Davey was killed, he often talked about her playing volleyball. It’s so great that she is now on a volleyball team and loves the sport.

But there’s a tall dad with a huge smile on his face missing from all these scenarios.

It’s just a start. Davey’s going to missing from high school graduations, college graduations, weddings, births of babies…..the list goes on. The loss continues. The hole grows larger.

I have found two main things that help me deal positively with all this loss. When I focus on all the blessings I had while Davey was alive and all the blessings I have now, i am able to move forward with a smile. When I find myself in a dark place thinking about all the losses, I let the tears flow and then consciously turn my eyes back to the light, to all the good things in my life.

Having a close relationship with God has made all the difference in my journey of grief. He loves me, he comforts me and he reminds me that I have a purpose here on earth. That’s why God has not taken me to my forever home yet. I know Davey has already received his reward and he’s out of all the pain and evil of the world we live in. I’m going there one day, too.

That will be the day when all my tears will stop.

When The Answer is ‘No’

This is a tough one.  It took me awhile to come to ‘a good place’ on this topic.  It took me even longer to be willing to share it.

God could have saved my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.  God is everywhere and he knows everything and he can do anything.

Nothing is impossible for him. So, no matter what any doctor said, God could have saved Davey.

That night in the hospital, my husband and I walked up and down the hall outside of Davey’s room praying for a miracle and asking everyone we saw to pray for a miracle.  It was our only hope.

When Davey’s brain waves disappeared early the next morning, we understood that we were not going to get that miracle.  Too much, too hard.  Our lives blown apart.  Overwhelming grief and pain.  Such a sudden, big, sad hole in our lives.

I wanted to ask why but I already understood that the answer was not to ask “why’ but to trust God.  I already knew the historical account of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego who role-modelled this thousands of years ago.  Right before King Nebuchadnezzar was about to throw them into a blazing furnace because they would not worship him, the three men testified to the king and the watching crowd that their God was able to save them.  “But even if he does not, ” they stated, they weren’t going to worship the king.  They trusted God to either save them or let them die – whichever accomplished God’s purposes here on earth.

They were declaring that – even if God did not give them a miracle – they were going to trust him.  In their story, they received a miracle and walked out of the blaze without a scratch on them.

That’s not my story.  We did not get a miracle.  I published a book last year on Amazon, “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love” that tells much more of this story if you’re interested.

I will never totally understand the purpose of this terrible tragedy this side of heaven. But I will trust God and move forward in obedience until the day he calls me home.

Jesus told all of us that in this world we will have many trials and sorrows….and this one is at the top of my list. I have realized that I never understood what real sorrow was until I lost my son.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst HappensLeave a comment

Listening to the “Love You’s”

We remember.  And, if we listen closely, we can hear his voice as ‘love you’s’ echo through our heads.

Over 8 years ago, we lost a hero.  My son, David Glasser, was a  Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty.  We remember and honor his commitment to the safety of those of us who live in Phoenix.  We remember and honor his willingness to put himself at great risk in order to save others.

Davey was a Phoenix native who graduated from Moon Valley High School before getting a Bachelor’s Degree in Criminology and Psychology at ASU.  He was a Phoenix Police Officer for 12 years.

Davey was a family fanatic – he had a huge heart which was dedicated to his wife, Kristen, his two children and his extended family. Davey was a fanatic about loving God and telling people about him.

He was a sports fanatic – he played them his whole life and he followed them all.  He especially loved the Cardinals and Diamondbacks and all ASU sports. In this picture he is wearing a Cardinals hat that I bought him as a joke. He loved it!

He was also a people fanatic – he was a role model for all of us when it comes to loving people.  He loved to make people laugh.  He loved to be around people who were having a good time.  He was fiercely loyal to those he loved. He didn’t have any biological brothers so he recruited brothers his entire life – some wore a blue uniform, some wore a cross, others wore Moon Valley red, white and blue, and he had a large crowd of brothers who wore Cardinal Red.

If Davey loved you, you knew it – because he told you.  He knew how quickly life could change, how – in a moment –  his life could end.  So he was fanatical about telling people he loved them and he also was adamant about hearing it back.

Davey’s watch ended on May 19, 2016.  But his love, dedication, integrity and honor lives on through the lives of those of us who loved him and through the David Glasser Foundation.  There is still a lot to be done and the Foundation is proud to continue the work that David started.

Today, we pause…. we listen to the love you’s… and we remember.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you!

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst Happens2 Comments

So Quickly

In a second……

everything permanently changes.

There are so many reminders happening all around us every day of how quickly life ends – accidents and sudden medical events and violence. I can’t help thinking about the family, friends and co-workers who are being left behind.  Because that’s my story – left behind.  Every idea of what I thought my future was to going to be has literally crashed and burned.

My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed – in a second –  in the line of duty.  May 18, 2016 – a date seared into my soul.   When I hear the news of the latest tragedy, I find myself visiting that deep, dark place of pain, grief and loss once again.

I don’t know the all specifics of other people’s situations, but I know the feelings.  I know the searing pain as reality reaches out to grab us through the sudden fog in our brains.  I know the hope each morning that it was all just a nightmare.  I know the constant reminders of all that has been lost.  I know the swirling.  I know the emptiness.

If you’ve experienced this kind of tragedy, you know it, too.

The good news is that God has helped me learn how to just visit that dark place.  I’m not stuck there.  I can feel it, recognize it, pray for those that have joined me on this road of re-creating what my future looks like but I’m not staying in yesterday.  God has a purpose for leaving me here and that’s what I need to focus on.  I can’t focus on all I have lost…..there’s too much.  It’s too big.  It’s so painful.

These days I am often reminded again how short life is. This last month three friends were given shocking diagnosis’. Terrible, life-changing news. Once again, I am reminded how precious life is. I am reminded how everything can change in an instant.  I am reminded how quickly people can be gone.  I’m reminded of how quickly I could be gone.

I am reminded of some of the game-changing things I have learned since Davey left us –

Life is short – forgive others, love others, cherish your time with them.  Always put God and people before ‘stuff’ and money.

No regrets – go, see, do.  Don’t put things off.  Deal with the conflict with people in your life positively or let it go.  Don’t stop talking to people when you’re mad at them – you may never get another chance to say ‘love you”.

Love is the answer – Love has a magical quality that comes straight from God.  Love first and worry about all the other stuff later.  Our lives will be empty unless we fill them with love.  We don’t want to miss the chances we have to love others and add something meaningful to their lives.

Davey had it so right when he made sure the last thing he said to anyone he cared about was ‘love you’.  It’s now years later and we are all still blessed by his last words to us as they echo through our hearts and minds.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst HappensLeave a comment

Yes

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst HappensLeave a comment

The answer is yes.

When I am asked if other law enforcement officers being killed in the line of duty brings it all back, the answer is always yes.  It brings back the horrible shock and loss of May 18, 2016 when my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed during a burglary attempt.

Officer Zane Coolidge from the Phoenix Police Department died in the line of duty two days ago. Since Davey was a Phoenix Police Officer when he was killed, we are very connected to all law enforcement events in Arizona. Officer Coolidge’s sergeant was Davey’s best friend on his squad. When I heard that Officer Coolidge had passed away after being shot, my mind immediately went to the day Davey was shot and that horrible night in the hospital as his brain waves gradually disappeared. Tears rolled down my face and I started praying. Officer Coolidge left behind a wife and a baby as well as the rest of his family and his friends and co-workers.

Many painful memories are brought to the surface for whenever this happens and my broken heart keeps reminding me of all I have lost. I’ve been in this situation long enough to know that this is how it is for a parent who has lost a child. Something triggers the painful memories and our tears flow. It could be anything – large or small – and we’re back in that horrible place where we had to face the fact for the first time that our child was gone. Our loss becomes fresh again.

I will never forget Davey’s funeral – over 5,000 people and the majority attending were law enforcement. So many young police officers with their young wives! I know many of them had young children who they left at home with grandparents or friends. Davey’s two young children, my grandchildren, were left at home with friends from his squad. So much grief. So much pain.

It’s hard for people to understand all the courage and sacrifice that goes into being a police officer. I am often asked why anyone would choose to be a police officer and I explain that it’s a calling. It takes a special kind of person to risk their lives for people they don’t even know. Officers accept the call to serve and protect because its who they are, they wouldn’t be happy doing anything else. They are part of the ‘good guys’ in our world who get evil off our streets so our families can live and grow in a safe environment. Sometimes the evil wins the battle when we lose heroes like Zane….and Davey.

I have discovered that its not good for me to focus on everything I lost when Davey was killed. It takes me to a dark place – a place Davey would not want me to stay. So I force myself to concentrate on all the blessings I have and not dwell on the empty spot in my life.

It’s not easy. Especially when I hear about another police officer death.

Miss you more today, Davey.

Love you.

An Unusual Kind of Love

David Glasser, my son, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.  The mark he left on us was an unusual kind of love.  It was an outspoken love – a love that broke down some of the walls we have built as adults.  He said ‘love you’ often and you knew he meant it by how he included you and had fun with you and was loyal to you.  You knew there was a commitment being made when he said ‘love you”.

It wasn’t just something he said.

Today is the 8th anniversary of Davey’s funeral. That’s the day I learned that Davey said ‘Love you’ instead of good-bye to everyone he cared about – even his tough squad of fellow police officers. He insisted they say it back to him because he said they never knew if they would see each other again.

That’s the day I began to really understand the power of love.   These last 8 years I have been amazed at the large impact Davey has made on the lives of those who knew him and many more that never knew him but have heard his story as we have started loving one another with an outspoken love like he taught us.  Saying it and showing it.

Unusual love like Davey’s leaves a mark.

If I were to draw a picture of the mark Davey has left on us, it would not be a heart.  It would be a magic wand.  Because I have discovered since Davey’s death that loving people out loud has magical qualities which cannot be explained.

There is also a cost to experiencing this kind of love. There is a commitment.

The cost is being more concerned about another person than you are about yourself.  What I want is not the most important thing when I love someone. The cost of loving people out loud is giving up some of our ‘separateness’ and privacy. The cost is taking our eyes off of ourselves long enough to see someone else that needs a hug or a hand.  The cost is letting others love us, knowing that this love will leave a mark.  It will change us.

Commitment means loving this person even when they are unlovable.  Sometimes it means offering help and other times it means drawing helpful boundaries. This commitment is not giving up even when its tough or strange or even a little weird.  Yes, weird.  If you’ve been really trying to love others out loud, you know what I mean.  The commitment is setting love as a priority and letting go of other things that we always used to think were important.

Love changes things.  It has a supernatural power that comes straight from God.  Love brings light into the darkness.  Love soothes pain and sadness and loneliness.

Love really can change the world.

Thank you for the permanent mark of unusual love you have left on our lives, Davey.

Miss you.

Love you.

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst Happens2 Comments

We Lost a Hero

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst Happens2 Comments

We lost a hero 8 years ago.

My son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer was shot and killed in Laveen, Arizona on May 19, 2016 during a burglary attempt.

Davey had been a Phoenix Police Officer for 12 years and helping people was an integral part of who he was. He told me he liked the fact that he could take dangerous people off the streets of Phoenix, making it a safer and better place to live and raise our families.

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Davey loved his family and friends and was well-known for talking about his faith in God. He was also a sports fanatic. The Arizona Cardinals, Diamondbacks and all ASU sports were his favorites.

Davey’s love for people attracted people to him. Because of who he was, he had a lot of friends from all over the metropolitan Phoenix area.

When we lost Davey, the whole city grieved.

As his family and friends, we knew that when he was leaving, he didn’t say good-bye, he said, ‘love you’. At his funeral, his best friend on his squad, Byrd, shared that Davey had his squad of tough cops all saying ‘love you’ to each other before they left the precinct. His squad said that it felt odd at first but became very important to them after Davey was killed

As a result of Davey’s habit, the last words anybody he cared about heard him say were ‘love you’. This created a legacy of love after he was gone – changing many people’s relationships and lives. If you would like to know more about this story, check out my book on Amazon, “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love”

Davey’s love for people and his city fueled the need for his family and friends to continue the work he started. The David Glasser Foundation was created to provide opportunities for law enforcement officers to have positive interactions with the kids and families they serve through youth sports. The foundation also sponsors a yearly Shop with a Cop event which helps kids and families in need from Laveen.

The David Glasser Foundation has been successfully completing its mission in Phoenix for over 7 years, continuing to make a difference with the people David protected and served.

Davey’s legacy of love is continuing to grow and positively affect people’s lives as more and more people hear his story. Today and everyday, please take the time to say ‘love you’ to everyone you care about instead of good-bye. None of us know when that will be the last thing we get to say it to that person.

I didn’t know when it was the last time I would be able to say it to Davey – now I’m so glad I said it. His ‘love you’ echoes back to me in my memory and makes me smile.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you!

Bittersweet

I would like to write a nice, ‘feel good’ blog for Mother’s Day.  But it isn’t happening.

What’s happening is a rollercoaster of bittersweet emotions on this Mother’s Day.  Some of the issue for me is the fact that my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016 – right after Mother’s Day.   The horror of that day has overshadowed my Mother’s Day ever since.  The permanent, painful changes in my life emphasize the hole in my heart – especially on this day.

The last Mother’s Day I had with Davey was just 10 days before he was shot and killed.  I was told later that he had the opportunity for some off-duty work that day but he turned it down, saying he wanted to spend the day with the ‘mothers’ in his life.  That doesn’t surprise me – that’s who he was.  He had his priorities straight.

Davey also knew I was alone that day because my husband had taken an emergency flight to Pennsylvania.  My husband’s father had just died.  Yes, my father-in-law passed away two weeks before our son was killed.  Have you ever felt the crushing impact of multiple bombs going off in your life?

When I remember that Mother’s Day, all I can think about is sitting outside at lunch with Davey.  I remember what it felt like to hang out with him – to laugh and have fun.  I remember how different my world felt with him in it.

My Mother’s Day will never be the same.  There is an important person missing.

But then I remember how thankful I am to have my daughter and four gorgeous grand darlings –  each one of them is such a blessing in my life!  When I focus on them, Mother’s Day starts to sparkle again.  All the possibilities!  All the new memories to make!  Watching my daughter as she does an awesome job being a mother to her two small children brings me joy. Watching my grand darlings grow into their own personalities and strengths is awesome.  Watching Davey’s children mature has the added joy of seeing glimpses of him as they exhibit traits they inherited from their dad.

If you have experienced the loss of a child, you know the rollercoaster that I’m describing.  Dark days and then the light shines through.  Things going smooth….until they don’t.  Several days without tears and then a day when it’s hard to stop the waterfall.

Mother’s day – it’s bitter sweet when you have lost a child.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst Happens2 Comments

It’s Growing Again

I feel the sadness gradually growing in my heart.  I try to ignore the mound of dread that is starting to form deep in my soul. I blink back the tears that are ready to fall.

It’s May.

The empty place in my life begins to blot out the sunshine.  This emptiness has a name – Davey.  My son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.

Today is International Bereaved Mother’s Day. How appropriate. Unfortunately, those of us who have lost a child have a lot in common as we learn how to live with our broken hearts. If you are feeling alone in your grief, please read my book on Amazon, “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love.” It’s the story of Davey’s death and life and my journey of finding hope after losing a child. You are not alone.

My May used to be all about having fun on Mother’s Day but now my Mother’s Day is bittersweet. My May also used to be focused on celebrating another successful year of marriage with my husband on May 23 and now that date is also a reminder to be thankful that our marriage has survived the trials and pain we have gone through these last 8 years.

Since 2016, May has had dark cloud hanging over it – Davey’s End of Watch Anniversary. 

It’s been 8 very long years.

Eight years of a level of grief I didn’t know was possible.

Eight years of a growing hole in my life that is impossible to fill.

Eight years of remembering and missing Davey – an awesome man, son, husband, father, friend and Police Officer.

Eight years of dealing with the painful reality of all that has been lost.

Eight years of figuring out how to move forward, honoring Davey’s sacrifice and his legacy.

Eight years of rebuilding dreams in the void where Davey was supposed to be.

Eight years without his smile.

Eight years of counting on God to get me through another day without Davey.

Eight years of visiting Davey’s spot in the cemetery where he is surrounded by other thin blue line heroes.  We used to visit Davey’s spot every May 19th but we have moved to Denver so we now stop in every time we’re in town.

If you have been following my blog, you know we planted a tree next to Davey’s spot right after his funeral. The first tree died.  It was just another disappointment in a long list of disappointments.  The good news is that the second tree is healthy and growing.  Its strong and starting to provide much needed shade in a very sad place. I put a wind chime on the tree every time I visit. Through the years they gradually disappear as the wind and weather claim them but there are always a couple left happily tinkling in the breeze, reminding me of better days.

The closer we get to May 18, the more I wish we could just skip the whole month.  Since that’s not possible, we will spend May 18th doing something that Davey liked to do – like playing cornhole.  We have found in the past that this helps us get through a tough anniversary.  It brings back some of our great memories of good times with Davey.

I know many of you will be visiting Davey’s spot on May 18th or 19th to honor and remember him – thank you. You are welcome to add a windchime to the tree if you would like.

I’m so grateful we have 34 1/2 years of great memories with Davey.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst Happens4 Comments