I feel the sadness gradually growing in my heart. I try to ignore the mound of dread that is starting to form deep in my soul.
It’s May.
The empty place in my life begins to blot out the sunshine. This emptiness has a name – Davey. My son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.
Today is International Bereaved Mother’s Day. How appropriate. Unfortunately, those of us who have lost a child have a lot in common as we learn how to live with a broken heart. If you are feeling alone in your grief, please read my book on Amazon, “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love.” It’s the story of Davey’s death and life and my journey of finding hope after losing a child. You are not alone.
My May used to be all about having fun on Mother’s Day but now my Mother’s Day is bittersweet. My May also used to be focused on celebrating another successful year of marriage with my husband on May 23 but now that date is a reminder to be thankful that our marriage survived all the trials and heartache we have gone through together these last 7 years.
Since 2016, May has had dark cloud hanging over it – Davey’s End of Watch Anniversary.
It’s been 7 very long years.
Seven years of a level of grief I didn’t know was possible.
Seven years of a growing hole in my life that is impossible to fill.
Seven years of remembering and missing Davey – an awesome man, son, husband, father, friend and Police Officer.
Seven years of dealing with the painful reality of all that has been lost.
Seven years of figuring out how to move forward, honoring Davey’s sacrifice and his legacy.
Seven years of rebuilding dreams in the void where Davey was supposed to be.
Seven years without his smile.
Seven years of counting on God to get me through another day without Davey.
Seven years of visiting Davey’s spot in the cemetery where he is surrounded by other thin blue line heroes. We used to visit Davey’s spot every May 19th but we have moved to Denver so we now stop in every time we’re in town.
If you have been following my blog, you know we planted a tree next to Davey’s spot right after his funeral. The first tree died. It was just another disappointment in a long list of disappointments. The good news is that the second tree is healthy and growing. Its strong and starting to provide much needed shade.
The closer we get to May 18, the more I wish we could just skip the whole month. Since that’s not possible, we will spend May 18th doing something that Davey liked to do – like playing cornhole. We have found in the past that this helps us get through a tough anniversary. It brings back some of our great memories of good times with Davey.
I know many of you will be visiting Davey’s spot on May 18th or 19th to honor and remember him – thank you.
I’m so grateful we have 34 1/2 years of great memories with Davey.
Tomorrow is the 1st day of May and May is a tough month for me. My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty in May 2016. His official End of Watch is May 19 but, if you’ve read my blogs you know I often use May 18th as the day he was killed because he was gone by the time I saw him in the hospital. Machines kept his body functioning until the next day so we could say goodbye and he could fulfill his wish of being an organ donor. But the awesome son, husband, father, brother and friend that we all knew was not in that hospital bed.
May starts out with Mother’s Day. Bitter sweet. I am so grateful for having 34 years with Davey, I am so thankful for our daughter and her family here in Denver and I am hugely blessed to have 4 adorable grand darlings. But Mother’s Day is not all flowers and smiles for any mother who has lost a child. The hole in our lives is bigger on Mother’s Day.
And, of course, May 15th is National Peace Officers Memorial Day. So 4 days before Davey’s official E.O.W our whole Blue Family is remembering and honoring all of our fallen heroes. Too many men and women have died serving their communities. Too many families are going through the nightmare we are going through. Too many lives blown apart.
May 15th is part of Police Week in Washington, DC. The main events of Police Week are the Candlelight Vigil and the Memorial Service. I have good, but bittersweet memories from 2017 when my family attended the entire week’s conference. Davey’s name is engraved on the Law Enforcement Memorial in Washington, DC. at 38 – W:30. If you haven’t been there, you’ll need to go the next time you are in town.
May 18th will forever be the worst day of my life. We always get together with family on either the 18th or 19th to remember Davey together. There is usually some cornhole involved since Davey loved to play games and have fun.
I’m sure you can start to understand why May is an especially hard month for me.
This year will be a little different because we are planning a book signing in my community on May 15th, for my book , “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love”. It’s the story of Davey’s death, his life and my journey of finding hope after losing a child. We plan to honor Davey as well as all of our fallen heroes on this day.
Big News! Copies of my book are going to be in the store of the National Law Enforcement Museum in Washington, DC! What an honor for Davey and I! For those of you going to Police Week, please look for it and ask for it if you don’t see it.
This May is also going to be very precious to me because my daughter and I are taking off to Rome on May 23 and then getting on a cruise ship to Greece. I’ve been to Italy a couple of times but Greece is still on my bucket list. I have realized that making new special memories is an important part of moving forward after a tragedy.
My tough month of May always ends on a high note with my wedding anniversary with Dave, my husband. Forty-two years this year. It is a light at the end of a dark tunnel of remembering and it gives us something positive to celebrate. It is an accomplishment to be proud of, especially because together we have survived the worst thing that can happen to a parent. Our anniversary reminds us that our marriage has been one of our anchors in the continuing storm of missing Davey.
The main thing that has helped me keep moving forward through the roller coaster of pain and grief that has defined my life these last almost 7 years is getting as close to God as I possibly can. God remains my Rock as he shows me how to survive with a heart that was smashed on May 18, 2016. I spend many hours each week with my Bible open on my lap, listening and talking to God.
The amount of hours I spend with my Father will be going way up in May.
When someone you love dies, the emotions are strong, the grief is heavy and the loss is extremely painful. After losing my son, my mom and dad, two of my older brothers along with all of my grandparents and all of my aunts and uncles as well as some friends, I feel like I’ve experienced a lot of death.
Each one is different. Each relationship is different.
My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty almost 7 years ago. His death has been the most difficult for me – by far. I think one of the things that makes this loss so huge is how young he was – he was only 34 years-old. We lost so much of his life. I can’t imagine any death being more difficult that his.
Davey loved God, he loved his family and friends and he loved the city he served and protected. He lived life to its fullest, sharing his faith regularly and he left a legacy of love to those of us who have been left behind.
So I’m very interested when God starts talking about why the righteous die in Isaiah 57:
“No one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.” verse 1.
I believe that everything God says is true. He knows the future and sometimes he chooses to spare his children from bad and evil things that would happen to them if they stayed on earth. I believe that Davey completed his purpose on earth so God took him home. No more evil will be done to him.
God sees our death on earth as a reward because, as believers, we get to go home to be with him. “Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.” vs 2.
Their bodies remain here on earth but their souls are free and filled with joy as they walk hand-in-hand with Jesus into heaven.
Those of us here on earth who have put our faith in Jesus will experience this joy as well someday. Today we may be travelling down a very difficult road but we have hope because we know how our journey on earth ends.
Thank you for the truth in your word, Abba Father. Please comfort those of us who are left behind.
They sense it when they have read about or met another person who has the same level of commitment to the greater good as they do. These heroes are willing to put themselves at risk in order to help or protect others.
Of course, none of them would call themselves heroes.
But we do.
Because looking at their lives, we see something special. We see a level of love and courage and sacrifice in their lives that we just don’t see in our own lives.
My son, David Glasser, who was a Phoenix Police Officer killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016, loved Pat Tillman’s Honor Run. Each year he signed up for next year’s run as soon as this year’s run was over. He recruited groups of friends and family every year to run beside him. And as soon as Micah, his son, was old enough Micah was running in the kid’s run – with Davey right beside him.
Now I realize Davey loved to honor the memory of Pat Tillman because Davey also had the heart of hero beating inside of him.
He shared Pat’s burning need to be more,and give more
and protect more.
Davey recognized these things in Pat’s life because he had the same passions inside of him.
Crowds of people with #42 on their shirts were running on the streets of Tempe, Arizona yesterday, remembering and honoring a fallen hero. These crowds remind me of my own fallen blue line hero.
As a soldier, Pat Tillman put himself at risk to serve his country. As a Police Officer, just like all Police Officers, Davey put himself at risk every day to serve the people in his city.
Pat and Davey both lost their lives because of the heart of a hero that beat inside of them.
Miss you, Davey.
Love you.
_______________
Note: I recently published a book on Amazon, “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love.” that tells more about Davey’s life, death and my journey of loss.
These words describe many of my days since May 18, 2016 when my son, David Glasser, who was Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty.
This doesn’t just describe the first year after Davey was killed, or the second year. It’s been every year. The grief changes but its still there. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday I received the phone call telling me Davey had been shot and I needed to go to the hospital. There are still moments where my brain plays tricks on me and I feel like I’m waiting for him to walk in the door with his huge smile on his face, telling me about his next plan to have some fun.
But Davey’s not going to walk in the door.
I know that.
I also know that God, in his infinite wisdom decided that May 18th, 2016 would be Davey’s last day on earth. God’s Word tells me that each of our final days are decided before we are born and nothing is going to change that. This fact has helped me put aside any ‘what ifs’ about May 18th. It was already decided. Everyone did the best they could do. Now, with our love for Davey secure in our hearts and our minds full of great memories, we move forward.
The reality is that Davey is living his best life right now. God took him out of this world full of disappointments and pain. Davey is where each of us who have put our faith in Jesus desire to be.
You know all about the struggles down here on earth – and they are growing for the Law Enforcement community. The Thin Blue Line is under attack from the people who should be supporting them. I remember how bad I thought it was in 2016 but the attacks and disrespect and disregard have gotten infinitely worse.
There are no more struggles for Davey. He got his reward early. This picture is Davey on a cruise with all of his best buddies from his squad just a couple of months before he was killed. See that smile? He was having a great time and I know he’s smiling like that where he is right now.
Jesus died on the cross for Davey so Davey would not die, but live in his forever home with his Father God. Because Davey put his faith in Christ, he walked hand in hand with Jesus into heaven on May 18, 2016.
Jesus is alive and that means Davey is also alive, waiting for the rest of us who have accepted the free salvation Jesus offers to join him in heaven.
In the early days of this painful journey since my son, David Glasser who was a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty, I realized that I needed to look up….
and focus my eyes on the future. I knew I couldn’t do this alone so I had to look up to God who could give me the strength and wisdom I needed to move forward into that future.
With tears rolling down my face, I had to pick up the pieces of my heart that were smashed and broken when Davey died on May 18, 2016 and figure out my next steps.
Because I was still living….
and there was more life happening. There was much more ‘life’ coming my way. And this was true of all of my family, friends and Davey’s squad – everyone who felt some of the light in their world go out on May 18, 2016 still had a life to live. God had a purpose for why we are still breathing.
I didn’t have to look any farther than my two little fatherless grandchildren to be reminded that their whole lives were in front of them. They had just begun. And I wanted to be a fun and positive part of their future.
I looked at my daughter and her family and I knew that we had many great times filled with precious moments ahead.
I recently published a book on Amazon, “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love”. It’s the story of Davey’s life, the night he died and my journey of survival since then. We had a book launch party in Phoenix last month and I got to see several of Davey’s squad members and other Blue family members who were in my book and have been so important to me in this journey. It’s times like these that remind me how the future is a good place it be. It gives us countless opportunities for special times which make priceless memories.
In the middle of all the pain and loss and grief of this journey of survival, I have figured out how to move positively into the future. I haven’t left Davey behind – I have taken him and all of my cherished memories of him with me. He loved people and he was all about having fun. He would want all of us to fill our days with love, making new memories.
Davey will always be a part of what is happening – even in the future. Because he is a part of us.
I had never experienced anything like this before. My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.
I had no frame of reference for the devastation that happened in my life when Davey died. My entire world turned up side down while my heart broke into a million….painful….pieces. My life became dark and I lost all joy. I didn’t smile very often and, when I did, it was a fake smile I would plaster on my face so people wouldn’t worry about me.
In the midst of the shock and the swirling going on in my head, I made the very good decision to look up to God and let him lead me on this extremely painful path of losing a child. He gave me strength. He gave me peace. He made sure that I knew he loved me with a perfect love….in spite of my circumstances.
There were 2 books other than the Bible that have given me significant help on my tough journey. I blogged about one of them last week. The other book is The Land Between by Jeff Manion. The subtitle is “Finding God in difficult transitions”. Jeff uses the story of the Israelites spending 40 years wandering in the desert and points out the many lessons God was teaching them. They were not lost – they were in an early version of Sunday School. God used this time to grow their faith and grow their knowledge of him.
This is the same for you and me. Most of us at one time or another will end up in a place where life is not what it was and where the future is very uncertain. If you have lost a child you have either been there or are there right now – The Land Between.
I totally related to this after Davey was killed. I was in the desert. A broken, bruised, bleak, desert. I felt lost. My old life was gone and all my dreams of the future with Davey in them were ripped away.
I found a purpose for my pain as I read “The Land Between”. I learned many very valuable truths from God during my time in the desert. I watched God gradually start putting the broken pieces of my life back together, creating a much different picture of my future than I had before.
I am through the desert now and very grateful for all God taught me there. I just published a book on Amazon, “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love” which includes a lot more of this story if you are interested.
There is still a growing hole in my life where Davey was supposed to be but my memories of my life with him have become more precious than painful.
Law Enforcement is one of the most contagious careers I have ever seen. When dad or mom is a doctor, there is sometimes one doctor in the family. If a parent is a lawyer, there might be one child who becomes a lawyer. Or one child becomes a pastor when a parent or a grandparent is a pastor.
But how often do you see all three kids in the family become doctors? Or lawyers? Or pastors?
Not very often. One of the exceptions is law enforcement where it happens often. Whole families of law enforcement are everywhere – often including grandparents, cousins and in-laws.
Why is it so contagious?
Why does a child of a police officer become a police officer when they had a front row seat to the long hours, the self sacrifice and the danger?
It’s because they have a front row seat that they also see the character, courage, strength and integrity it takes to be a good police officer. Many other people talk about making a difference in the world and then go into their safe places to work where they spend countless hours trying to increase profits – it’s all about the money. Every day. They might take 5 minutes out of a day to write a check to a charity of their choice, but they don’t get dirty or tired or hurt or killed when they do it.
Law Enforcement Officers are front line difference makers. Every stop, every call, every situation – they have an opportunity to make their community safer and protect the innocent. They come face to face with the evil that the rest of us try very hard to avoid. We run from danger, they run toward danger.
I will never forget watching a video of the Boston Marathon bombing several years ago. The bombs went off and people started screaming as they ran away – except for the first responders in the crowd. On or off duty, it didn’t matter. They ran towards the bombs, toward the danger.
Difference-makers.
Law Enforcement careers attract people who respect law and order. These people believe in sacrificing themselves to help others. They know that serving their communities is honorable no matter what anybody else says. They dedicate their lives to pushing back the evil in our communities so that the innocent can have a safe place to live and raise their families.
Difference-makers.
Instead of just talking about it, they are doing it. Children of law enforcement officers see this – they live it – and they can’t imagine dedicating their lives to anything else. So they become officers.
There are more careers usually in the serving category that are contagious as well. I know there are teaching families, fire-fighting families and military families. Why? These are also difference – making careers.
My husband and I both served in the U.S. Military and I was a little surprised when neither of my children showed any interested in going into the military. Then I had to smile when my son, David Glasser, started talking about becoming a police officer. That’s as close as you can get to being in the military without being in the military. I totally understand why many people go into law enforcement after years in the military. Respect for law and order, serving your country, self-sacrifice, honor, courage – it’s all the same.
Being a difference-maker.
It’s contagious.
Davey lost his life in service to his community. His death is a tragedy. It’s very difficult and painful for those of us who have been left behind. I am thankful that he died honorably – protecting and serving others.
Davey was a difference-maker.
His life and death has had a big influence on many people and the David Glasser Foundation is still making an impact on the lives of children and families Phoenix today. I recently wrote a book about losing Davey and my journey of survival. It’s available on Amazon if you’re interested in knowing more of this story – “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love.”
It’s the toughest thing I’ve ever done. Figuring out how to deal with the extreme grief and loss I felt after my son, David Glasser, was killed has been a brutal journey. He was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.
My life blew up…. and then crumbled. Everyone closest to me spiraled off into their own pits of grief and pain as their worlds turned upside down without Davey. My husband had multiple bombs going off in his life – his father passed away 11 days before Davey was killed. Davey was his best friend….and now he was gone, too.
After the initial dust of the explosion settled, I realized I didn’t know much about extreme grief. My mother and father had passed away along with my older brother. My mother was the youngest child of 16 kids in her family so there was a regular progression of grandparents and aunts and uncles funerals as I grew up.
None of that felt anything like Davey’s death. A child at any age dying before their parents is devastatingly different.
The experts tells us there are many stages of grief and I experienced all of them. I have met people who have gotten stuck in some of the negative stages of grief like bitterness and anger. My goal was not to get stuck. I wanted to deal with my grief in a healthy manner that was going to help me move forward.
God had a huge part in helping me work through the negative stages of my grief. He was my Rock and he gave me strength to ‘be there’ for others in my life when I had no strength of my own. He has walked closely with me down this very dark path of losing a child.
Other than the Bible, there were a couple of books I found very helpful. One of them was Option B by Sheryl Sandberg. She was planning to share the rest of her life with her husband, growing old together as they watched their grandchildren learn how to walk and ride a bicycle and drive a car. This was Option A.
Then her husband suddenly died while exercising, leaving her behind to do everything by herself. This was Option B.
Sheryl didn’t want Option B. But that was her only choice.
Wow! I could relate to that! I was supposed to grow old watching Davey retire from the Police Department and follow his dream of teaching in a high school and coaching basketball. I’m sure he would have coached both of his kids in a variety of sports. I was supposed to watch him walk his daughter down the aisle and play with his grandchildren. I could go on and on. Option A was fantastic!
I don’t want Option B – life without Davey. But I have no choice. The evil in our broken world catapulted me into Option B.
One of the main ideas that stuck out to me in Sheryl’s book was that we can build our resilience. Resilience is our ability to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties. It’s how tough we are. We can develop processes that improve our response to problems and help us bounce back more quickly.
Yes. I was extremely interested because I knew Davey’s death may be the largest tsunami to hit my life, but it wasn’t going to be the last tough situation I was going to have to deal with. I didn’t want grief issues piling on top of health issues piling on top of relationship issues until I got ‘stuck’ in negativity. And we know, it’s not a matter of ‘if’ something bad is going to happen to us, it’s a matter of ‘when’.
I am also a process-oriented person so – Yes! Give me a process!
I didn’t get a process that was going to work for me from reading the book, so I started praying about it and God gave me one. He reminded me of the things I know to be true about him. He reminded me of his promises to me and that he always keeps his promises.
So I gradually developed my own process of filtering everything that happens to me through these truths –
God is in control – of everything.
God is good, all the time.
God loves me with a perfect love.
Nothing is impossible for God.
He has promised that he is working everything out for my good and he always keeps his promises.
These truths keep me grounded and in line with God when my painful circumstances try to make my emotions go up and down and around on a roller coaster. I have given all my ‘why’s’ to God – he’s in control. I don’t understand everything and I don’t like what has happened to me but I’m going to trust God with all of it.
He is God…and I am not.
This process has been invaluable to me as I go down this very dark and long road of living here on earth without Davey. Everything that happens to me gets filtered through what I know to be true about God and I rest in His goodness.
My response to bad things happening to me was just tested again – remember I said, it’s not a matter of ‘if’, it’s a matter of ‘when’.
Last June 30th, my husband was taken to the emergency room by an ambulance. It was a life threatening situation. In the emergency room, they called a ‘code’ and the available hospital personnel came running to help. They saved his life that day.
Many people talked to me about how ‘scarey’ that must have been. I realized my process of growing my resilience had really worked because I was not scared, I was not worried.
God was in control. He is good, all the time. He loves me and he loves my husband with a perfect love. Nothing is impossible for him. He is always working things out for my good.
I also believe what God says in Job 14:5 that he has numbered our days before we were born. Our final day on earth is already decided. So the doctors could not have saved my husband if it had been ‘his day’. Obviously, if he had died, I would have been upset. But he was still alive by the time I got to the emergency room so there was no reason for me to be upset or scared. The fact that I was calm and confident that God was in control enabled me help my husband have a positive attitude as he went through a long and painful week of procedures and surgeries followed by 6 more months of rehabilitation and procedures.
It works. You are welcome to adopt and adapt my resilience process if you like.
Because the question is not ‘if’, the question is ‘when’.
They were my dreams for the future of my son, David Glasser, who was a Phoenix Police Officer killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.
There are times when the piles of my broken hopes and plans overwhelm me. There are so many good times with him that have been snatched from my life. So much happiness and so many smiles that will never be.
Davey would have been retiring from the Police force right about now. He planned to get his teaching certificate to teach in high school and coach high school basketball. He would have been an awesome teacher and an even greater coach. I witnessed some of his potential when Micah, his son, grew old enough to start playing in various sports leagues. Davey was always beside him during water breaks, giving him tips and encouraging him.
Unbelievable. So much has been lost.
Davey was always the responsible oldest child. He cared for his father and I – making sure we were doing well and getting any help we needed. A couple of months before he was killed, my husband and I had rented an RV in Denver for a week and then drove it from Denver down to Phoenix. Davey was not happy when he found out we had gotten back and we hadn’t let him know we were safely home. He took his responsibilities seriously.
A couple of months before that I was driving my car with a donut (spare tire) because I had had a flat tire and couldn’t find the time to get it fixed. He refused to let me drive my car to work on the freeway because donuts were not made to go that fast. It’s not safe. He insisted that we switch cars and he got my tire fixed for me while I went to work.
He was supposed to be here beside his dad and I as we move into the fall of our lives. He was supposed to grow old with his wife. He was supposed to coach his children’s sports teams and proudly watch them graduate from high school. Then he was planning to happily watch them graduate from ASU (if he got his way). We were supposed to share the joy of weddings and his grandchildren with him.
But it’s all gone.
Only the painful rubble of my dreams is left.
I’m standing here because I’m not sitting. I’m not getting stuck in the rubble.
I’m still here because God has a purpose for me. I discovered that one of God’s plans was for me to write a book about this journey – “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love”. It includes the parts of my story that I’ve never blogged about and I published it on Amazon almost 2 years ago.
It’s obvious that I’m not done yet. So I’ll keep moving forward, going where God leads me until he calls me to my forever home – where there are no tears, no grief, no rubble.
My Family Bleeds Blue 