Tag: death of a child

We Lost a Hero

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst Happens2 Comments

We lost a hero 8 years ago.

My son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer was shot and killed in Laveen, Arizona on May 19, 2016 during a burglary attempt.

Davey had been a Phoenix Police Officer for 12 years and helping people was an integral part of who he was. He told me he liked the fact that he could take dangerous people off the streets of Phoenix, making it a safer and better place to live and raise our families.

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Davey loved his family and friends and was well-known for talking about his faith in God. He was also a sports fanatic. The Arizona Cardinals, Diamondbacks and all ASU sports were his favorites.

Davey’s love for people attracted people to him. Because of who he was, he had a lot of friends from all over the metropolitan Phoenix area.

When we lost Davey, the whole city grieved.

As his family and friends, we knew that when he was leaving, he didn’t say good-bye, he said, ‘love you’. At his funeral, his best friend on his squad, Byrd, shared that Davey had his squad of tough cops all saying ‘love you’ to each other before they left the precinct. His squad said that it felt odd at first but became very important to them after Davey was killed

As a result of Davey’s habit, the last words anybody he cared about heard him say were ‘love you’. This created a legacy of love after he was gone – changing many people’s relationships and lives. If you would like to know more about this story, check out my book on Amazon, “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love”

Davey’s love for people and his city fueled the need for his family and friends to continue the work he started. The David Glasser Foundation was created to provide opportunities for law enforcement officers to have positive interactions with the kids and families they serve through youth sports. The foundation also sponsors a yearly Shop with a Cop event which helps kids and families in need from Laveen.

The David Glasser Foundation has been successfully completing its mission in Phoenix for over 7 years, continuing to make a difference with the people David protected and served.

Davey’s legacy of love is continuing to grow and positively affect people’s lives as more and more people hear his story. Today and everyday, please take the time to say ‘love you’ to everyone you care about instead of good-bye. None of us know when that will be the last thing we get to say it to that person.

I didn’t know when it was the last time I would be able to say it to Davey – now I’m so glad I said it. His ‘love you’ echoes back to me in my memory and makes me smile.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you!

Bittersweet

I would like to write a nice, ‘feel good’ blog for Mother’s Day.  But it isn’t happening.

What’s happening is a rollercoaster of bittersweet emotions on this Mother’s Day.  Some of the issue for me is the fact that my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016 – right after Mother’s Day.   The horror of that day has overshadowed my Mother’s Day ever since.  The permanent, painful changes in my life emphasize the hole in my heart – especially on this day.

The last Mother’s Day I had with Davey was just 10 days before he was shot and killed.  I was told later that he had the opportunity for some off-duty work that day but he turned it down, saying he wanted to spend the day with the ‘mothers’ in his life.  That doesn’t surprise me – that’s who he was.  He had his priorities straight.

Davey also knew I was alone that day because my husband had taken an emergency flight to Pennsylvania.  My husband’s father had just died.  Yes, my father-in-law passed away two weeks before our son was killed.  Have you ever felt the crushing impact of multiple bombs going off in your life?

When I remember that Mother’s Day, all I can think about is sitting outside at lunch with Davey.  I remember what it felt like to hang out with him – to laugh and have fun.  I remember how different my world felt with him in it.

My Mother’s Day will never be the same.  There is an important person missing.

But then I remember how thankful I am to have my daughter and four gorgeous grand darlings –  each one of them is such a blessing in my life!  When I focus on them, Mother’s Day starts to sparkle again.  All the possibilities!  All the new memories to make!  Watching my daughter as she does an awesome job being a mother to her two small children brings me joy. Watching my grand darlings grow into their own personalities and strengths is awesome.  Watching Davey’s children mature has the added joy of seeing glimpses of him as they exhibit traits they inherited from their dad.

If you have experienced the loss of a child, you know the rollercoaster that I’m describing.  Dark days and then the light shines through.  Things going smooth….until they don’t.  Several days without tears and then a day when it’s hard to stop the waterfall.

Mother’s day – it’s bitter sweet when you have lost a child.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst Happens2 Comments

It’s Growing Again

I feel the sadness gradually growing in my heart.  I try to ignore the mound of dread that is starting to form deep in my soul. I blink back the tears that are ready to fall.

It’s May.

The empty place in my life begins to blot out the sunshine.  This emptiness has a name – Davey.  My son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.

Today is International Bereaved Mother’s Day. How appropriate. Unfortunately, those of us who have lost a child have a lot in common as we learn how to live with our broken hearts. If you are feeling alone in your grief, please read my book on Amazon, “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love.” It’s the story of Davey’s death and life and my journey of finding hope after losing a child. You are not alone.

My May used to be all about having fun on Mother’s Day but now my Mother’s Day is bittersweet. My May also used to be focused on celebrating another successful year of marriage with my husband on May 23 and now that date is also a reminder to be thankful that our marriage has survived the trials and pain we have gone through these last 8 years.

Since 2016, May has had dark cloud hanging over it – Davey’s End of Watch Anniversary. 

It’s been 8 very long years.

Eight years of a level of grief I didn’t know was possible.

Eight years of a growing hole in my life that is impossible to fill.

Eight years of remembering and missing Davey – an awesome man, son, husband, father, friend and Police Officer.

Eight years of dealing with the painful reality of all that has been lost.

Eight years of figuring out how to move forward, honoring Davey’s sacrifice and his legacy.

Eight years of rebuilding dreams in the void where Davey was supposed to be.

Eight years without his smile.

Eight years of counting on God to get me through another day without Davey.

Eight years of visiting Davey’s spot in the cemetery where he is surrounded by other thin blue line heroes.  We used to visit Davey’s spot every May 19th but we have moved to Denver so we now stop in every time we’re in town.

If you have been following my blog, you know we planted a tree next to Davey’s spot right after his funeral. The first tree died.  It was just another disappointment in a long list of disappointments.  The good news is that the second tree is healthy and growing.  Its strong and starting to provide much needed shade in a very sad place. I put a wind chime on the tree every time I visit. Through the years they gradually disappear as the wind and weather claim them but there are always a couple left happily tinkling in the breeze, reminding me of better days.

The closer we get to May 18, the more I wish we could just skip the whole month.  Since that’s not possible, we will spend May 18th doing something that Davey liked to do – like playing cornhole.  We have found in the past that this helps us get through a tough anniversary.  It brings back some of our great memories of good times with Davey.

I know many of you will be visiting Davey’s spot on May 18th or 19th to honor and remember him – thank you. You are welcome to add a windchime to the tree if you would like.

I’m so grateful we have 34 1/2 years of great memories with Davey.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst Happens4 Comments
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It’s a Tough, Tough Journey

The first day of May is coming very quickly. For the last 8 years, this has been a long, difficult month for me. I already feel the cloud of grief gathering over my head. My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty in May 2016. His official End of Watch is May 19 but, if you’ve read my blogs you know I often use May 18th as the day he was killed because he was gone by the time I saw him in the hospital. Machines kept his body functioning until the next day so we could say goodbye and he could fulfill his wish of being an organ donor. But the awesome son, husband, father, brother and friend that we all knew was not in that hospital bed.

May starts out with Mother’s Day. It’s bitter sweet. I am so grateful for having 34 years with Davey, I am so thankful for our daughter and her family here in Denver and I am hugely blessed to have 4 adorable grand darlings. But Mother’s Day is not all flowers and smiles for those of us who have lost a child. The hole in our lives is bigger on Mother’s Day.

And then May 15th is National Peace Officers Memorial Day. So 4 days before Davey’s official E.O.W (End of Watch) our whole Blue Family is remembering and honoring all of our fallen heroes. Too many men and women have died serving their communities. Too many families are going through the nightmare we are going through. Too many lives blown apart.

May 15th is part of Police Week in Washington, DC. The main events of Police Week are the Candlelight Vigil and the Memorial Service. I have good, but bittersweet memories from 2017 when my family attended the entire week’s conference. Davey’s name is engraved on the Law Enforcement Memorial in Washington, DC. at 38 – W:30. If you haven’t been there, you’ll need to go the next time you are in town. It will help you remember that there are still a lot of people in this country who stand for honor, courage and sacrifice. There are thousands of people who have died serving their communities and cities.

We are hosting a Neighborhood Driveway Happy Hour on May 15th in our community in order to commemorate National Peace Officers Memorial Day. I think its important to raise awareness for all the sacrifices police officers make in order to serve and protect. The average person may not be aware this day exists but our goal is to make sure people who live around us know about it.

May 18th will forever be the worst day of my life. We always get together with family on either the 18th or 19th to remember Davey together. There is usually some cornhole involved since Davey loved to play games and have fun.

I’m sure you can start to understand why May is an especially hard month for me.

My long, difficult month of May always ends on a high note with my wedding anniversary with Dave, my husband. Forty-three years this year. It is a light at the end of a dark tunnel of remembering and it gives us something positive to celebrate. It is an accomplishment to be proud of, especially because together we have survived the worst thing that can happen to a parent. Our anniversary reminds us that our marriage has been one of our anchors in the continuing storm of missing Davey.

This year, May will end for me with a big Broadway Review all done by members of my 55+ community. Lights, costumes, and dancing – it’s all happening for 3 shows. I’m a singer so I’m in a couple of small group numbers and all of the big chorus numbers. That makes my participation low on stress and high on music and fun. I’m hoping this will help May speed by for me in a flurry of practices and rehearsals.

The main thing that has helped me keep moving forward through the roller coaster of pain and grief that has defined my life these last almost 8 years is getting as close to God as I possibly can. God remains my Rock as he shows me how to survive with a heart that was smashed on May 18, 2016. I spend many hours each week with my Bible open on my lap, listening and talking to God.

The amount of hours I spend with my Father will be going way up in May.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst Happens6 Comments

The Bomb

A bomb exploded in my life on May 18, 2016.

My plans were made.  I was on a course for my life that had my son’s smile and laughter plastered all over it. And then the bomb went off – sending my life onto a whole new trajectory.  My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.

That day my life was thrown onto a path I never wanted to be on.  None of my former plans fit the journey I am on now.

I know I’m not alone.  There is a large group of us who were loving life with Davey when the bomb went off.  And now we find ourselves in this other world…..which is not as much fun….and has an obvious empty space,

Don’t tell me time heals all wounds.  This mother’s heart is broken and its not healing this side of heaven.

But….

here I am……

  • Putting Davey’s memorial bracelet on my wrist every morning – missing him, surprised that it’s been almost 8 years since he was killed.  It feels like yesterday.  Except so much has changed. 
    • Everything has changed.
  • Blue has become my favorite color because it reminds me of Davey’s commitment to be a great police officer.  Many of my house decorations are now blue, my toenails are often blue and I’ve changed my Christmas decorations to mainly blue.
  • I’ve been retired for over 7 years and my retirement is drastically different than what I thought it was going to be like before Davey was killed.  I have been forced into a life without my son. A life I would have never chosen.

About 6 months after Davey was killed, I was shopping and saw a small plate with ‘Embrace the Journey’ written on it.  I stood in that store in front of this plate for a long time.

Thinking……..

About the tragedy that had smashed my life and the lives of so many people I love.

Thinking about the pain and the grief and the tears.

Now, 8 years later, I think about the awful road we have had to travel.  Parts of it have been straight uphill … but we have traveled it together.

The last words Davey said to all of us were “Love you”.

I now understand how much love has drastically changed this journey.

I have learned a lot about loving other people in these last 8 years.  I have learned a lot about what’s really important – and what’s not.  My heart has grown bigger as I reached out in love to the people I don’t even know because every little bit of love and care matters. It changes things. We all deal with tough issues at different times of our lives. Those of us who have lost a child have to live with missing our child every day of our lives here on this planet.

It is definitely a journey. 

I am so glad that, standing in the store almost 8 years ago, I decided to ‘Embrace the Journey’.  God has a purpose for my pain.  He has walked closely beside me so far and I know he will give me strength and peace the rest of the way.

Of course I bought the dish.  At the end of each day, I place my wedding ring next to Davey’s memorial bracelet on it – the only 2 pieces of jewelry I usually wear. My wedding ring changed after Davey was killed, too.  I added blue sapphires to it. 

Fallen but never forgotten.

Looking back, some days have been harder than others depending on the roller coaster of emotions the events of the day contained.  Sweet memories.  Sad losses.  Last year, I published a book on Amazon, “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love”. Its the story of Davey’s life, his death and my journey of finding hope and purpose after losing a child. Publishing this book has brought me a year of emotional ups and downs and many great conversations with people about their own journey of grief. This has all added up to an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for 34 years with Davey. 

Each day, as I look at this small plate on my bathroom counter, I am reminded of my commitment to Embrace this Journey.

One day at a time.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

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When There’s No Tomorrow

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The pain is burned into my memory. The grief is deeply etched into my soul.

That day – the day my son, David Glasser who was a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty.  May 18, 2016.

It’s the day when my life as I knew it exploded.  All my expectations for the future had Davey in them so it was all ripped away, leaving a huge, hurting hole in my life.  After almost eight years, I know that nothing will ever fill that hole.

I totally understand why people like me get stuck in a pit of despair.  I’ve been there.  I was violently pushed into a deep, dark place of grief by Davey’s death …. and I wanted to stay there.  Clutching his smile, his jokes, his integrity, and his love for others close to my heart, I didn’t want to move.  The dark felt good and right – my shattered heart felt right at home.

But my head knew that – somehow – I was going to need to crawl out of that pit.  I knew I could not let myself get stuck there.

With God’s help, I moved toward the light.  One step at a time.  Some days my steps went backwards but I was moving.  I made myself look up instead of back and, when I looked up, I saw my two little grand darlings – Davey’s children – who needed me.  I saw my daughter and husband who needed me.  I saw other family members and friends who needed me.  There is a reason I was still here and it was not to stay in that dark, terrible, but somehow comforting pit.

Looking back I realize that lying under the need to stay in the pit was a numbing fear that, if I moved forward, I would leave Davey behind.  That hasn’t happened.  All of my love and memories of him have moved forward with me.  He was and is and always will be a part of me. 

He’s not here but he’s not gone.

For Davey, there are no more tomorrows here on earth but those of us left behind have important tomorrows where we need to be engaged and loving and find hope again.  It’s the hope that only faith in God can give.

So the challenge for me and for you is to love others around us like there is no tomorrow because, someday, there won’t be.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

When. Not If.

The question is not ‘if’ something bad is going to happen to us.  The right question is ‘when’.  Because something bad is going to happen sometime in our future.

Failure, separation, broken relationships.

Disease, accidents, illness, pain, death.

It’s going to happen.  And most of the time it will happen when we least expect it.

A very close friend of mine received a huge shock several years ago when her beautiful daughter-in-law didn’t wake up one morning.  33 years-old.  And she didn’t wake up.

She was fine the day before.

She leaves behind a husband, a young son, and a large number of family and friends who never expected something like this to happen.

Many times there is no warning.  I was on my normal commute home from work when I got the call that my son, David Glasser, who was a Phoenix Police Officer, had been shot in the line of duty.  He died that day. My world crumbled into painful ashes on that day.

It’s not ‘if’, the question is ‘when’.

So do we live our lives with a cloud of worry and fear over our heads just waiting for the next ax to fall?  Or do we ignore the inevitable and deal with it when it happens?

Neither of those sound like a good option to me.  The tragedy that blew my life apart is not going to cause me to spend the rest of my life focused on dreading the next bad thing.  But I’m also not going to pretend that there are no more hard times coming.

I have chosen to try to find a balance somewhere in the middle of those two extremes.  I am working on growing my faith – getting closer to God.  God has been my anchor through this storm of grief and loss these last 7 1/2 years.   I am also trying to grow my resilience in the face of adversity – defining and strengthening the process I use when bad things happen.  Because they are going to happen.

I tend to lean more in the positive direction than the negative – life is more good than bad.  I like to focus on good things – they make the struggle all worth it.

And I have learned a lot about love since Davey was killed.  When we show love to those around us – even when we don’t know them – it really does matter.  Each expression of love, every hand that reaches out, any show of kindness and love – it all matters.  Davey taking time out of his schedule packed with family and career to fly across the country to celebrate his step-grandfather’s 90th birthday and putting his arm around Merle for a picture matters – especially when 90 was the last birthday his step-grandfather celebrated.

It’s all worth the effort.  When we love each other, we’re on the right track.

Because it’s not a question of ‘if’ something bad is going to happen to us.  The right question is ‘when’.

Loving each other helps when the worst happens.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

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No Regrets

It’s a good feeling.

No regrets.

My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who went to work on May 18, 2016 and he never came home.  He was killed in an attempted robbery.

We have a lot of tears. A huge amount of lost dreams. A big hole in our lives.

But no regrets.

Davey lived life to its fullest and, as a result, those of us around him were also caught up in his whirlwind of a good time.  He was always planning the next poker party, the next BBQ, the next Fantasy draft and the next trip.  We knew we could count on him to provide the spark – something fun was on its way.

We all got used to saying ‘yes’ to whatever he was planning because we couldn’t say no – then we’d miss the fun!  We also got used to helping him do whatever he wanted to do because it was going to be good.

Now we are so thankful for all those great memories.  And we have a ton of them!  Our calendar was full of good times with Davey – we have no regrets about things we should have, could have, or would have done.   None of us knew how short our time was going to be with him.

None of us ever know.

Early on as a family, we learned to keep short accounts.  If something major was going on, we talked about it.  If something wasn’t a big deal, we forgot about it.  Let it go. That way we weren’t hanging on to anger and hurt feelings.

There’s a reason why God tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger.  Because – sometimes – the sun goes down and the person we’re angry with never comes home again.

Accidents.

Heart attacks.

Aneurysms.

Blood Clots.

Getting shot.

For whatever reason, the person you are mad at doesn’t come home…

and you are left with regrets.

That doesn’t have to happen.  If you are living with regrets about the past, you can change that for the future.   Have short accounts – choose your battles and take care of the issue – forget the rest.  After the emotion passes, talk about it – don’t stop talking to people.  Start putting dates on the calendar for the things that are on your ‘some day I want to’ list.  By the time you get old, your bucket list should be very short because you have gone, you have done it, you have seen it. 

Say ‘love you’ instead of ‘good-bye’ to everyone around you.

Davey knew that some situations he got into as a Police Officer brought him dangerously close to never coming home again.  It was very important to him that the people he cared about knew that he loved them.  So the last thing he always said to us was ‘Love you’.

The very last thing he said to all of us was ‘Love you’.

And we said ‘love you’ back to him.

No regrets.

Just awesome memories of a very special person who we miss each day.

Love you, Davey.

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One of the Most Difficult Things

I’m standing here …..

surrounded by the rubble of my dreams.

They were my dreams for the future of my son, David Glasser, who was a Phoenix Police Officer killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016. There are times when the piles of my broken hopes and plans overwhelm me.  There are so many good times with him that have been snatched from my life.  So much happiness and so many smiles that will never be.

Davey planned to retire from the Police force and get his teaching certificate.  He wanted to teach in high school and coach high school basketball.  He would have been an awesome teacher and an even greater coach.  I witnessed some of his potential when Micah, his son, grew old enough to start playing in various sports leagues.  Davey was always beside him during water breaks, giving him tips and encouraging him. I planned to be sitting in the stands watching it all with a big smile on my face.

Unbelievable.  So much has been lost.

Davey was always the responsible oldest child.   He cared for his father and I – making sure we were doing well and getting any help we needed.   A couple of months before Davey was killed, my husband and I had rented an RV in Denver for a week and then drove it from Denver down to Phoenix.  Davey was not happy when he found out we had gotten back and we hadn’t let him know we were safely home.  He took his responsibilities seriously. He was always watching out for us.

A couple of months before that I was driving my car with a donut (spare tire) because I had had a flat tire and couldn’t find the time to get it fixed.  Davey refused to let me drive my car to work on the freeway because donuts were not made to go that fast.  It’s not safe.  He insisted that we switch cars and he got my tire fixed for me while I went to work. He did things like this for me all the time.

Davey was supposed to be here beside his dad and I as we move into the fall of our lives.  He was supposed to grow old with his wife.  He was supposed to coach his children’s sports teams and proudly watch them graduate from high school.  Then he was planning to happily watch them graduate from ASU (if he got his way).   We were supposed to share the joy of weddings and his grandchildren with him.

But it’s all gone.

Only the painful rubble of my dreams is left. When Davey was killed, I lost all of his future…… and I lost mine. Even when he wasn’t involved in something in my life, I would talk to him about it, ask his opinion and send him pictures because I knew he would be interested. Not any more.

One of the most difficult things people like me who have lost a child have to do is rebuild a positive future. We don’t always want to, but we have to for the sake of those we love who are still here. And because the child we lost would want us to.

I’m standing in the rubble because I’m not sitting. I’m not getting stuck in it. I haven’t gone to heaven yet because God has a purpose for me.  I discovered that one of God’s plans was for me to write a book about this journey – “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love”. It includes the parts of my story that I’ve never blogged about and was published last year on Amazon.

It’s obvious that I’m not done yet.  So I’ll keep moving forward, going where God leads me until he calls me home –  where there are no tears, no grief, no rubble.

Miss you Davey.

Love you.

On By Judy GlasserIn When the Worst Happens2 Comments

It’s Invisible…

but it’s there.

It’s a cloud of grief with my son, David Glasser’s name on it.  He was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.   This cloud has hung over my life since that day.  You don’t see it or feel it.

But I do.

I have moments of silent grief when anyone I know shares that they talked to their son or went somewhere with their son.   That used to be my husband and I.  We lived 1 1/2 miles away from Davey and his family the last 5 years of his life.  We talked to him almost every day and saw him almost as much.  We were included in all of his plans for fun which were many and often.

Oh, how we miss those fun times with Davey!

I am a member of a couple of Facebook pages that remember and honor officers that have been killed on that day. EVERY DAY, several names. These posts give me moments of silent grief for the family, friends and coworkers who are now experiencing the same nightmare we did over 7 years ago. It brings back the memories of the shock and disbelief of those first few weeks….and months…..and years. So I pray for them because God has been my Rock since this bomb with all it’s repercussions hit my life.

God is the only thing that didn’t shake in my life when Davey was killed.

I have moments of silent grief when anything negative about Police Officers comes onto the television.  Any disrespect or dishonor exhibited for Police Officers is very personal to me.  It feels like disrespect and dishonor for Davey’s bravery and commitment in serving and protecting his community.

Davey gave his life for the people in his city.

Even doing something simple that Davey used to do brings on the cloud. Making beer brats reminds me of watching Davey cooking up some food for friends that were coming over. He always had a big smile on his face when people were on their way to his house – he knew a fun time was on its way.

Davey loved people so he found lots of reasons to invite people to his house to have a good time.

There are many moments of silent grief when I watch Davey’s son and daughter playing sports.  His son, Micah, wears Davey’s number on his jersey whenever he can get it. Davey would have been right in the middle of it all, coaching them and showing them how proud he was of them.

He was such a great dad!

I have moments of silent grief whenever I see someone receiving a folded flag.  We have a folded flag in our house and we know all about the pain and loss that comes with it.

I have moments silent grief whenever I’m around Davey’s friends and squad members.  It’s great to be together and the love and support we have for one another makes a difference … but the hole he left in our lives is so big.

People have asked me if memorials like Police week are hard and I always say they are bittersweet. It’s feels right and good for us to remember and honor our fallen heroes but these memorials definitely shine a spotlight on the person who is missing in my life.

What’s really hard is living every day without Davey. That’s the worst.

If you have experienced a tragedy like mine, you understand.  If you haven’t, I hope you never know what this cloud of grief feels like.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

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