I was talking with a friend recently and the topic of whether we were ‘happy’ or not came up. I remembered that I used to ask my husband if he was happy every once in awhile to see what he would say.

But I don’t do that anymore. Since our son, David Glasser, who was a Phoenix Police Officer was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016, I know what his answer would be.

No.

That’s my answer, too.

I have good times and happy moments. I tend to be a positive person with a smile on my face. I know I am blessed in many ways. But the general feeling ‘I am happy about my life’ is gone now that Davey is no longer here. I cannot imagine a time this side of heaven when I would say I am ‘happy’ about my circumstances.

Don’t worry, I’m fine. I’m just being truthful. If you have not lost a child, you may not understand this and I hope you never do. If you have lost a child, you are probably shaking your head ‘yes’ as you read this.

I don’t think the word ‘healing’ fits a situation like mine. My heart is broken and it’s not going to ‘heal’. It’s been over 5 years and my heart remains broken. I’m gradually getting used to living with a broken heart.

I’ve never been much of a crier…..until Davey was killed. Now my eyes fill with tears very easily whenever something touches a piece of my broken heart. Tears stream down my face regularly – especially as I write these blogs. And I know that’s healthy – letting the emotion out and dealing with the grief is a good thing.

I have learned to be grateful for 34 years with Davey because that’s all I’m getting. I am grateful that I’m getting more than 34 years with my daughter and I cherish any time I get to spend with my 4 grand darlings because life is short. We never know. Everything could change tomorrow – or later today. I’ve been there.

The fact that my son is dead will not be changing so I don’t see my overall ‘happiness’ level concerning the circumstances of my life changing, either. That’s just how it is.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.