It’s not stopping. My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix police officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016. My world blew up. My plans and dreams for the future were ripped away because he had a part in all of them.

It’s impossible to express how much I lost that day. And I just keep losing.

If you have a child who has died, you understand this. If you have not, you can’t relate to the growing hole in your life where your child should have been. There is a continuous stream of reminders of what could have been, what should have been.

I received a punch in the gut this week when I realized that Davey would probably have been retiring from the Police force this year. It’s been 8 years since he was killed and he had been a police officer for 12 years when he died.

Davey had big plans for his retirement. He talked about getting his teaching certificate so he could teach high schoolers and also coach basketball. His son is in Junior High School now and I know Davey had lots of plans to coach Micah all through high school. Even though his daughter, Eden, was only 2 when Davey was killed, he often talked about her playing volleyball. It’s so great that she is now on a volleyball team and loves the sport.

But there’s a tall dad with a huge smile on his face missing from all these scenarios.

It’s just a start. Davey’s going to missing from high school graduations, college graduations, weddings, births of babies…..the list goes on. The loss continues. The hole grows larger.

I have found two main things that help me deal positively with all this loss. When I focus on all the blessings I had while Davey was alive and all the blessings I have now, i am able to move forward with a smile. When I find myself in a dark place thinking about all the losses, I let the tears flow and then consciously turn my eyes back to the light, to all the good things in my life.

Having a close relationship with God has made all the difference in my journey of grief. He loves me, he comforts me and he reminds me that I have a purpose here on earth. That’s why God has not taken me to my forever home yet. I know Davey has already received his reward and he’s out of all the pain and evil of the world we live in. I’m going there one day, too.

That will be the day when all my tears will stop.