Death.  Loss.  Serious illness.  Tragedy.

When it happens to someone we know, we often don’t know what to say.   We need to say something – it has to be acknowledged or it feels really wrong – the elephant in the room.  That first year after my son, David Glasser, who was a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty, I would sometimes see people I hadn’t seen for awhile and they didn’t mention Davey’s death.  That was very awkward because the only thing I could think about was the smashed pieces of my heart and how much I missed him.

We should think about what we’re going to say ahead of time – because we need to say something.

I know what I’m talking about.  Many people have said weird or not-helpful things while trying to be nice to me since Davey was killed.

When tragedy blew my life apart, many of the people I spoke to afterwards would say ‘So sorry for your loss.”  I used to think that this sounded unoriginal and trite but, after experiencing some of the other things people say, I realize it’s a good option.  When you say this, you are recognizing my loss and sharing an emotion.   I say it myself now.   Actually, I often just say “I’m so sorry” to someone who has just had a loss or tragedy.  They know what I’m referring to – it’s all they can think about.

There are other things people said right after Davey was killed that actually hurt.  My life was one big bruise and I felt that some of the things people said poked my bruises.  Now I have gotten used to missing Davey but that first year after his death, here are some of the things that were said to me that made a dark day worse:

“There’s always a reason.”  Really?   Am I supposed to be glad he’s gone because there’s a reason?  I should stop crying because it’s all working out so great now?

“Time heals all wounds.” Really?  All of this pain and grief is going to go away?   It’s going to turn into a scar that doesn’t hurt anymore? I know for a fact that this statement is not true when a parent loses a child. I personally think ‘heal’ is the wrong word to use with the loss of a child.  

“He’s in a better place.”  My head knows that.  My heart has been shattered into a million pieces and it aches a little bit more when you remind me that he’s not here with us, with me.

What should we say?

I’ve gotten to the point where I think “I’m sorry” is best and let the person you are talking to say whatever else they want to say.

What should we do?

The best advice I have read is in the Bible – Romans 12:15b –

“Weep with those who weep”.

Weep with us.

Weep with me.

Let your heart break for those who are heart-broken.

Hold tightly onto anyone is who is lost in pain and grief.

Give us grace when we are not gracious.

Forgive us when the anger boils over.

Be patient with us when our frustration shows.

Understand that it’s hard to focus sometimes when the emptiness is overwhelming.

Don’t ask us to let you know if there’s anything you can do – if there’s something you want to do, just do it.

Don’t tell us about a different tragedy – your’s or someone else’s.  We are struggling to deal with our own.

Don’t give us advice unless we ask for it.

You really don’t have to say much.

Just love us unconditionally, no matter how we respond.

And weep with us.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.