May 18, 2016 blew up my world – thrusting me into a dark, confusing, very sad place.  A place of grief.  A place I never wanted to go.

I have had other people very close to me die – my mother, father and all three of my older brothers.

But this was not the same. It is not the same. Not even close.

My son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police officer, was killed  in the line of duty.  And I can’t even explain how much worse it has been compared to other deaths in my family.

Yes, the first year after he was killed was a long and horrible year of very difficult ‘firsts’.

But then the pain of permanence set in.  The reality of life long-term without Davey didn’t seem possible.  Ten years later, tears drip down my face when I remember that I will have to live the rest of my life on this planet without him.

I now know how terribly empty his birthday feels without him.

I know how relentless the ache is every year on Christmas and Mother’s Day and Father’s Day when Davey’s not here.

I know the heartbreak behind the smiles during the birthdays of his children when a very happy and proud father is missing.

There are no words to describe how awful the permanence of this situation feels.  

In the months following May 18, 2016, I had no idea how my family and I would find our way back to our normal. It didn’t take me too long to understand that we will never go back.

That time, that place is gone.

My life – our life – back there is gone.

So we have been moving forward – a new life, a new reality, a new normal. Without Davey.

Sometimes this new place is filled with sadness as the unending reality of the situation etches itself onto my soul.  Other times I’m filled with gratitude for the 34 1/2 years we had him here with us.

In some ways each year seems a little tougher than the year before….

another year without Davey.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you💙💙