Bittersweet

I would like to write a nice, ‘feel good’ blog for Mother’s Day.  But it isn’t happening.

What’s happening is a rollercoaster of bittersweet emotions on this Mother’s Day.  My son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016 – right after Mother’s Day.   The horror of that day has overshadowed my Mother’s Day ever since.  The permanent, painful changes in my life emphasize the hole in my heart – especially on this day.

The last Mother’s Day I had with Davey was just 10 days before he was shot and killed.  I was told later that he had the opportunity for some off-duty work that day but he turned it down, saying he wanted to spend the day with the ‘mothers’ in his life.  That doesn’t surprise me – that’s who he was.  He had his priorities straight.

Davey also knew I was alone that day because my husband had taken an emergency flight to Pennsylvania.  My husband’s father had just died.  Yes, my father-in-law passed away 10 days before our son was killed.  Have you ever felt the crushing impact of multiple bombs going off in your life?

When I remember that Mother’s Day, all I can think about is sitting outside at lunch with Davey.  I remember what it felt like to hang out with him – to laugh and have fun.  I remember how different my world felt with him in it.

My Mother’s Day will never be the same.  There is an important person missing.

But then I remember how thankful I am to have my daughter and four gorgeous grand darlings –  each one of them is such a blessing in my life!  When I focus on them, Mother’s Day starts to sparkle again.  All the possibilities!  All the new memories to make!  Watching my daughter as she does an awesome job being a mother to her two small children brings me joy. Watching my grand darlings grow into their own personalities and strengths is awesome.  Watching Davey’s children mature has the added joy of seeing glimpses of him as they exhibit traits they inherited from their dad.

If you have experienced the loss of a child, you know the rollercoaster that I’m describing.  Dark days and then the light shines through.  Things going smooth….until they don’t.  Several days without tears and then a day when it’s hard to stop the waterfall.

Mother’s day – it’s bitter sweet when you have lost a child.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

Its Growing Again

I feel the sadness gradually growing in my heart.  I try to ignore the mound of dread that is starting to form deep in my soul. I blink back the tears that are ready to fall.

It’s May.

The empty place in my life begins to blot out the sunshine.  This emptiness has a name – Davey.  My son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.

Today is International Bereaved Mother’s Day. How appropriate. Unfortunately, those of us who have lost a child have a lot in common as we learn how to live with our broken hearts. If you are feeling alone in your grief, please read my book on Amazon, “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love.” It’s the story of Davey’s death and life and my journey of finding hope after losing a child. You are not alone.

My May used to be all about having fun on Mother’s Day but now my Mother’s Day is bittersweet. My May also used to be focused on celebrating another successful year of marriage with my husband on May 23 and now that date is also a reminder to be thankful that our marriage has survived the trials and pain we have gone through these last 9 years.

Since 2016, May has had dark cloud hanging over it – Davey’s End of Watch Anniversary. 

It’s been 9 very long years.

Nine years of a level of grief I didn’t know was possible.

Nine years of a growing hole in my life that is impossible to fill.

Nine years of remembering and missing Davey – an awesome man, son, husband, father, friend and Police Officer.

Nine years of dealing with the painful reality of all that has been lost.

Nine years of figuring out how to move forward, honoring Davey’s sacrifice and his legacy.

Nine years of rebuilding dreams in the void where Davey was supposed to be.

Nine years without his smile.

Nine years of counting on God to get me through another day without Davey.

Nine years of visiting Davey’s spot in the cemetery where he is surrounded by other thin blue line heroes.  We used to visit Davey’s spot every May 19th but we have moved to Denver so we now stop in every time we’re in town.

If you have been following my blog, you know we planted a tree next to Davey’s spot right after his funeral. The first tree died.  It was just another disappointment in a long list of disappointments.  The good news is that the second tree is healthy and growing.  Its strong and starting to provide much needed shade in a very sad place. I put a wind chime on the tree every time I visit. Through the years they gradually disappear as the wind and weather claim them but there are always a couple left happily tinkling in the breeze, reminding me of better days.

The closer we get to May 18, the more I wish we could just skip the whole month.  Since that’s not possible, we will spend May 18th doing something that Davey liked to do – like playing cornhole.  We have found in the past that this helps us get through a tough anniversary.  It brings back some of our great memories of good times with Davey.

I know many of you will be visiting Davey’s spot on May 18th or 19th to honor and remember him – thank you. You are welcome to add a windchime to the tree if you would like.

I’m so grateful we have 34 1/2 years of great memories with Davey.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you

The Bomb

A bomb exploded in my life on May 18, 2016.

My plans were made.  I was on a course for my life that had my son’s smile and laughter plastered all over it. And then the bomb went off – sending my life onto a whole new trajectory.  My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.

That day my life was thrown onto a path I never wanted to be on.  None of my former plans fit the journey I am on now.

I know I’m not alone.  There is a large group of us who were loving life with Davey when the bomb went off.  And now we find ourselves in this other world…..which is not as much fun….and has an obvious empty space,

Don’t tell me time heals all wounds.  This mother’s heart is broken and its not healing this side of heaven.

But….

here I am……

  • Putting Davey’s memorial bracelet on my wrist every morning – missing him, surprised that it’s been almost 9 years since he was killed.  It feels like yesterday.  Except so much has changed. 
    • Everything has changed.
  • Blue has become my favorite color because it reminds me of Davey’s commitment to be a great police officer.  Many of my house decorations are now blue, my toenails are often blue and I’ve changed my Christmas decorations to mainly blue. People can recognize which house I live in because of all the blue lights.
  • I’ve been retired for over 8 years and my retirement is drastically different than what I thought it was going to be like before Davey was killed.  I have been forced into a life without my son. A life I would have never chosen.

About 6 months after Davey was killed, I was shopping and saw a small plate with ‘Embrace the Journey’ written on it.  I stood in that store in front of this plate for a long time.

Thinking……..

About the tragedy that had smashed my life and the lives of so many people I love. Thinking about the pain and the grief and the tears.

When Davey was killed, I’m glad I didn’t know all the details about the awful road we were going to have to travel.  Many parts of it have been dark and foggy and straight uphill … but we have traveled it together.

The last words Davey said to all of us were “Love you”. I now understand how much love has drastically changed this journey for me.

I have learned a lot about loving other people in these last 9 years.  I have learned a lot about what’s really important – and what’s not.  My heart has grown bigger as I reached out in love to the people I don’t even know because every little bit of love and care matters. It changes things. We all deal with tough issues at different times of our lives. Those of us who have lost a child have to live with missing our child every day of our lives here on this planet.

It is a difficult journey. 

I am so glad that, standing in the store in the store that day so many years ago, I decided to ‘Embrace the Journey’.  God has a purpose for my pain.  He has walked closely beside me so far and I know he will give me strength and peace the rest of the way.

Of course I bought the dish.  At the end of each day, I place my wedding ring next to Davey’s memorial bracelet on it – the only 2 pieces of jewelry I usually wear. My wedding ring changed after Davey was killed, too.  I added blue sapphires to it. 

Fallen but never forgotten.

Looking back, some days have been harder than others depending on the roller coaster of emotions the events of the day contained.  Sweet memories.  Sad losses.  Two years ago I published a book on Amazon, “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love”. Its the story of Davey’s life, his death and my journey of finding hope and purpose after losing a child. Publishing this book has caused me to have many great conversations with people about their own journey of grief. My main response to these conversations has been an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for 34 years with Davey. 

Each day, as I look at this small plate on my bathroom counter, I am reminded of my commitment to Embrace this Journey.

One day at a time.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

The Rest of the Story

It’s the part we don’t hear splashed all over the national media.

I will never forget the day, almost 8 years ago, when I was sitting with a group of mothers whose sons were all Police Officers who had been killed in the line duty the year before.  I was there because my son, David Glasser, was one of them.  This was the Concerns of Police Survivors ( C.O.P.S) session for mothers during Police Week 2017 in Washington, DC.

Each mother told her story.

It was excruciating to listen to all of their stories, especially because I shared this nightmare with them.

So much pain. So much grief. So much loss.

Too many stories about how evil won the battle.

But…through these stories….a big bold light of heroism shone through.

One son stepped in front of a gun in order to save the life of the innocent person behind him.  He literally took the bullet for a person he didn’t know.  He died.  The other person lived.

Another son drove his police car in front of a speeding vehicle to save the people in the car beside him. The police car took the hit, killing the policeman. But his act of heroism saved the lives of all of the innocent people in the car.

Have you heard these stories leading the way on all of our national media channels for several nights in a row going over the details again and again?

No?

I haven’t either.

We hear about the small minority of bad cop situations repeated over and over but we don’t hear any of the details of the daily stories of bravery and heroism of our police officers.

What does that tell us?  It means that the news is not telling us what’s really going on.  Reading and listening to the news doesn’t mean we’re well-informed.  The media tells us what they want to tell us.  They emphasize what they want to emphasize.  The more sensational the news is – especially about cops – the more viewers they get.  And sadly, people believe this unbalanced, one-sided source.

Some of the local channels try to strike a balance and they do pretty well.  They get details wrong but they try to present a more well-rounded picture.

The national media doesn’t even try.   They’ve taken over for the tabloids with a bunch of sensationalized scandals with he-saids and she-saids.  The more controversial and skewed the better for them because it means more viewers.

The amount of fake news swirling around is astounding. There has been an overall loss of the value of truth in our culture. People are making up their own news, exaggerating and falsifying events. Now with AI, there is a growing amount of pictures and videos being used like they truly happened. Don’t believe anything that you see.

The truth is – most of the bravery and heroism shown by our Police Officers doesn’t ever make it on any news channel.  If it was all covered it, there would be stories EVERY DAY on the news.

There’s also another reason why we don’t hear a lot of these stories of heroism.

If you talk to a police officer, they will say it was ‘just part of my job’.

Just part of the job – sacrificing themselves to save others.

There is so much more to this story that we will never hear, more than the public will ever know. The real news.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

He Is With Me

God has often spoken very clearly to me through Isaiah 43:2 these last almost 9 years since my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty. Here is my response –

When I am passing through the waters of grief...

*of disappointment…

*of disillusionment…

*of pain….

God is with me.

When I am passing through a river of tears…

*pierced by the shattered pieces of my broken heart.

*trying to figure out how to live with a huge hole in my life…

the river does not sweep over me.  God is with me.

When I am walking through the fire of anger…

* not happy with my reality…..

* overwhelmed by grief….

I am not burned.  God is with me.

I am passing through.  I’m not getting stuck in these places.  Everything that happens in my life has first gone through the hands of my Father God.  He has a purpose.

So I will trust him as I pass through the water, the river and the fire.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

He’s Not Here…

but he’s not gone.

My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.

He’s not here but he continues to live on in the lives of the people he touched.  And he touched a lot of people.

Davey loved people.  He loved talking to people and people were drawn to him because of it.  He was a collector of friends and he had a lot of them – from all over the city.  I’ve seen him get in a long line at the concession stand at one of the many sports games he attended and, by the time he got up to the order window, he had made a new friend of the guy in front of him or in back of him in line.  That guy would show up at the next Cardinal’s tailgate party and be automatically accepted into the crowd of Davey’s buddies.

Davey’s love and acceptance changed us.  We belonged when we were with him.  It was a special gift he had that sprang from his general love for people.

His influence on our lives is far from gone.  His “love you’ echoes in our ears, reminding us to love others every day of our lives – even people we don’t know.  I love this picture of a sign someone made –

It has been challenging me to figure out how show more love to people I don’t know –

On freeways – letting cars who are trying to enter get in ahead of me even if I have to slow down to make that happen.

Grocery stores –  checking the people behind me to see if they have significantly less items that I do so I can let them go ahead of me.  I’ve also started letting moms with a ton of kids go ahead of me knowing that waiting in line with all those kids is not a fun thing to do.

Doors – I’ve become more aware of people behind me going in and out of doors so I can hold the door for them.

Smiles – I make sure to say ‘hi” to people who are looking at me as we pass. Maybe that little bit of recognition will bring some light into their world today.

Prayers – I pray for people I pass whose cars are broken down on the side of road.  I pray for the police officers and people involved when I see an accident.  I pray for the people who are in the ambulance with its lights on as it passes me.

This world can be a very lonely place.  I live in a 55+ community where I know some of the people I meet in the morning as I walk my dog, Bella, have lost their significant other.  After their walk, they go home to a very quiet place where they miss the joy and companionship they used to have.  So I always smile and wave and say good morning. It may just be the small spark of “I see you” that person needs. 

Many of the people in my community have the habit of waving at everyone. As you walk by, as you drive by – they throw up a wave. At first this seems like a strange thing in this world where people don’t even look at each other but then it begins to feel good, like ‘you are included’. You are part of this community, so you get a wave, even when they don’t actually know you. And so you start waving back. I like it! If you want to start showing love and care to people you don’t know in your neighborhood, start waving at them….and watch them start to wave back.

As a police officer, Davey showed love and care for people he didn’t know all day, every day.  This is what police officers do.  Davey also did this in his personal life, role-modeling for us how to love people even when we don’t know them.

Davey’s not here, but he’s not gone.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

When There’s No Tomorrow

The pain is burned into my memory. The grief is deeply etched into my soul.

That day – the day my son, David Glasser who was a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty.  May 18, 2016.

It’s the day when my life as I knew it exploded.  All my expectations for the future had Davey in them so it was all ripped away, leaving a huge, hurting hole in my life.  After almost eight years, I know that nothing will ever fill that hole.

I totally understand why people like me get stuck in a pit of despair.  I’ve been there.  I was violently pushed into a deep, dark place of grief by Davey’s death …. and I wanted to stay there.  Clutching his smile, his jokes, his integrity, and his love for others close to my heart, I didn’t want to move.  The dark felt good and right – my shattered heart felt right at home.

But my head knew that – somehow – I was going to need to crawl out of that pit.  I knew I could not let myself get stuck there.

With God’s help, I moved toward the light.  One step at a time.  Some days my steps went backwards but I was moving.  I made myself look up instead of back and, when I looked up, I saw my two little grand darlings – Davey’s children – who needed me.  I saw my daughter and husband who needed me.  I saw other family members and friends who needed me.  There is a reason I was still here and it was not to stay in that dark, terrible, but somehow comforting pit.

Looking back I realize that lying under the need to stay in the pit was a numbing fear that, if I moved forward, I would leave Davey behind.  That hasn’t happened.  All of my love and memories of him have moved forward with me.  He was and is and always will be a part of me. 

He’s not here but he’s not gone.

For Davey, there are no more tomorrows here on earth but those of us left behind have important tomorrows where we need to be engaged and loving and find hope again.  It’s the hope that only faith in God can give.

So the challenge for me and for you is to love others around us like there is no tomorrow because, someday, there won’t be.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

His Last Words

I am painfully reminded almost every day how short life can be.  How quickly things change – permanently.

My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police officer who was killed over 6 1/2 years ago.  He was doing his job just like he had done every day for 12 years.  But on May 18, 2016, his life ended.

The worst happened.

Those of us who were left behind will never be the same.  Our worlds blew up and the emotional fall-out continues.  Every time I visit Davey’s spot in the cemetery, I am reminded of  all the families whose heroes are buried in the same area and are on this painful journey with us. 

It’s a struggle.  Some of my steps moving forward really hurt.

If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that the last thing Davey said to everyone that he cared about was “love you”.  He even said it to his squad members and waited until they said it back.  It has been such a blessing for us to have that last ‘love you’ echoing through our heads as we deal with the grief and loss of Davey’s death.

If you have been reading this blog, you may also know that one of the things I wish Davey had done was write me a final letter I would receive if he didn’t come home one day.  It would be something I could get out to read over and over again on the dark days when I need some encouragement.  I have now written letters to everyone who is dear to me in my life and they will receive them after I’m gone. Next year it will be 10 years since Davey left us and I’m going to write another set of letters since so many things have changed.

I know Davey loved me.  He and I thought alike so we didn’t have to say a lot to communicate how we felt about each other.  Now, I would really love to have some of that written down in a letter.

So imagine my amazement awhile ago when I was searching through our small document safe that holds our important ‘stuff’ and I found an envelope with Davey’s handwriting on the outside.  In the envelope is a list written in Davey’s handwriting.  The bottom of the page says, “Sunday School 1999.”

He was 18 years-old.

He had written what he thought his life would be like “40 years from now”.  He gave a couple of options of what he wanted as a career and one of them was ‘police officer’.  He described the woman he would marry, how many kids he wanted, and his desire to continue to grow his relationship with God and be active in a church family.

It’s amazing to me that I kept this.  It’s definitely a God-thing. I’m an anti-hoarder so I’m very selective of the things I choose to keep. The number of old things I’m willing to move and store goes down as the years progress.

I shared the list Davey had written with my husband and Kristen because this is as close to a letter as we’re going to get.

I have discovered that this list encourages me.  It reminds me of Davey and sparks great memories of how his eyes would light up when he talked about his plans and dreams. I realized that he had achieved all of the things on his list before he was killed and it felt like a fitting closure – he had done what he was sent here to do, it just wasn’t long enough for the rest of us.

Davey didn’t have 40 more years.  But reading this list makes me so grateful that we took full advantage of the 16 more years he had at the point when he wrote this.  No regrets.  We had 34 awesome years with him here on earth and that’s going to have to be enough until we see him again in heaven.

Thank you for the letter, Davey.

Miss you.

Love you!

Purpose for the Pain

I had never experienced anything like this before. My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.

I had no frame of reference for the devastation that happened in my life when Davey died. My entire world turned up side down while my heart broke into a million….painful….pieces. My life became dark and I lost all joy. I didn’t smile very often and, when I did, it was a fake smile I would plaster on my face so people wouldn’t worry about me.

In the midst of the shock and the swirling going on in my head, I made the very good decision to look up to God and let him lead me on this extremely painful path of losing a child. He gave me strength. He gave me peace. He made sure that I knew he loved me with a perfect love….in spite of my circumstances.

There were 2 books other than the Bible that have given me significant help on my tough journey. One of those books is The Land Between by Jeff Manion. The subtitle is “Finding God in difficult transitions”. Jeff uses the story of the Israelites spending 40 years wandering in the desert and points out the many lessons God was teaching them. They were not lost – they were in an early version of Sunday School. God used this time to grow their faith and grow their knowledge of him.

This is the same for you and me. Most of us at one time or another will end up in a place where life is not what it was and where the future is very uncertain. If you have lost a child you have either been there or are there right now – The Land Between.

I totally related to this after Davey was killed. I was in the desert. A broken, bruised, bleak, desert. I felt lost. My old life was gone and all my dreams of the future with Davey in them were ripped away.

I found a purpose for my pain as I read “The Land Between”. I learned many very valuable truths from God during my time in the desert. I watched God gradually start putting the broken pieces of my life back together, creating a much different picture of my future than I had before.

I am through the desert now and very grateful for all God taught me there. There is still a growing hole in my life where Davey was supposed to be but my memories of my life with him have become more precious than painful.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you!

Devastatingly Different

It’s the toughest thing I’ve ever done. Figuring out how to deal with the extreme grief and loss I felt after my son, David Glasser, was killed has been a brutal journey. He was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.

My life blew up…. and then crumbled. Everyone closest to me spiraled off into their own pits of grief and pain as their worlds turned upside down without Davey. My husband had multiple bombs going off in his life – his father passed away 11 days before Davey was killed. Davey was his best friend….and now he was gone, too.

After the initial dust of the explosion settled, I realized I didn’t know much about extreme grief. My mother and father had passed away along with my older brother. My mother was the youngest child of 16 kids in her family so there was a regular progression of grandparents and aunts and uncles funerals as I grew up.

None of that felt anything like Davey’s death. A child at any age dying before their parents is devastatingly different.

The experts tells us there are many stages of grief and I experienced all of them. I have met people who have gotten stuck in some of the negative stages of grief like bitterness and anger. My goal was not to get stuck. I wanted to deal with my grief in a healthy manner that was going to help me move forward.

God had a huge part in helping me work through the negative stages of my grief. He was my Rock and he gave me strength to ‘be there’ for others in my life when I had no strength of my own. He has walked closely with me down this very dark path of losing a child.

Other than the Bible, there were a couple of books I found very helpful. One of them was Option B by Sheryl Sandberg. She was planning to share the rest of her life with her husband, growing old together as they watched their grandchildren learn how to walk and ride a bicycle and drive a car. This was Option A.

Then her husband suddenly died while exercising, leaving her behind to do everything by herself. This was Option B.

Sheryl didn’t want Option B. But that was her only choice.

Wow! I could relate to that! I was supposed to grow old watching Davey retire from the Police Department and follow his dream of teaching in a high school and coaching basketball. I’m sure he would have coached both of his kids in a variety of sports. I was supposed to watch him walk his daughter down the aisle and play with his grandchildren. I could go on and on. Option A was fantastic!

I don’t want Option B – life without Davey. But I have no choice. The evil in our broken world catapulted me into Option B.

One of the main ideas that stuck out to me in Sheryl’s book was that we can build our resilience. Resilience is our ability to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties. It’s how tough we are. We can develop processes that improve our response to problems and help us bounce back more quickly.

Yes. I was extremely interested because I knew Davey’s death may be the largest tsunami to hit my life, but it wasn’t going to be the last tough situation I was going to have to deal with. I didn’t want grief issues piling on top of health issues piling on top of relationship issues until I got ‘stuck’ in negativity. And we know, it’s not a matter of ‘if’ something bad is going to happen to us, it’s a matter of ‘when’.

I am also a process-oriented person so – Yes! Give me a process!

I didn’t get a process that was going to work for me from reading the book, so I started praying about it and God gave me one. He reminded me of the things I know to be true about him. He reminded me of his promises to me and that he always keeps his promises.

So I gradually developed my own process of filtering everything that happens to me through these truths –

God is in control – of everything.

God is good, all the time.

God loves me with a perfect love.

Nothing is impossible for God.

He has promised that he is working everything out for my good and he always keeps his promises.

These truths keep me grounded and in line with God when my painful circumstances try to make my emotions go up and down and around on a roller coaster. I have given all my ‘why’s’ to God – he’s in control. I don’t understand everything and I don’t like what has happened to me but I’m going to trust God with all of it.

He is God…and I am not.

This process has been invaluable to me as I go down this very dark and long road of living here on earth without Davey. Everything that happens to me gets filtered through what I know to be true about God and I rest in His goodness.

My response to bad things happening to me has been several times since then with my husband’s health. Remember I said, it’s not a matter of ‘if’, it’s a matter of ‘when’.

A couple of years ago, my husband was taken to the emergency room by an ambulance. It was a life threatening situation. In the emergency room, they called a ‘code’ and the available hospital personnel came running to help. They saved his life that day.

Many people talked to me about how ‘scarey’ that must have been. I realized the process of growing my resilience had really worked because I was not scared, I was not worried.

God was in control. He is good, all the time. He loves me and he loves my husband with a perfect love. Nothing is impossible for him. He is always working things out for my good.

I also believe what God says in Job 14:5 that he has numbered our days before we were born. Our final day on earth is already decided. So the doctors could not have saved my husband if it had been ‘his day’. Obviously, if he had died, I would have been upset. But he was still alive by the time I got to the emergency room so there was no reason for me to be upset or scared. The fact that I was calm and confident that God was in control enabled me help my husband have a positive attitude as he went through a long and painful week of procedures and surgeries followed by 6 more months of rehabilitation and procedures. The truth about God continues to hold me steady through my husband’s constant stream of health issues.

It works. You are welcome to adopt and adapt my resilience process if you like.

Because the question is not ‘if’, the question is ‘when’.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.