When you walk up to me…..
I see it in your eyes.
I know what you’re going to say before you say it – you have lost a child. And you know enough of my story to know that I have lost a child.
I see your grief. I see the emptiness. I see the confusion and ‘swirling’ going on in your mind.
You have never felt this kind of pain before. You have experienced the deaths of other people in your life but it was never as devastating as this.
You look at me and you wonder how I can walk around and smile like a normal person. Your world has exploded and you don’t feel like you will ever have a reason to smile again.
You wonder if maybe I know a secret.
Until we started talking – and then you see how quickly my eyes fill with tears. My broken heart lies right under the surface of my smile. I feel your pain because it is my pain. I feel your sadness because I live each day with that sadness.
My mind has started getting used to the huge hole in my life but my heart is shattered. I have no secret remedy to this nightmare but I have learned some things through this loss that have helped me these last almost 3 years –
*Let the tears flow. Cry when you want, don’t try to hide it. I have stopped wearing mascara because I cry often. That’s just how it is now.
*Don’t stuff the grief and pain down – feel it, deal with it. Journalling is great because it forces us to slowly work through our thoughts and feelings. Writing this blog has made me think through a ton of different issues and come to terms with them in my mind. The fog in my brain gradually lifted as I gained clarity.
*Talk about it. Find people in your life that have experienced huge loss and who don’t mind talking about it over and over and over. Just keep talking about it even if you’re repeating the same things. Something about this process helps organize our thoughts and gets issues out on the table.
*If you have been reading this blog, you know that my relationship with God has been the rock I have been clinging to through this storm. I don’t know how people get through tragedies like this when they don’t have God. When a child dies, the life of everyone close to them explodes – no one is strong. God was strong for me. He has given me strength and peace and purpose on this journey. If you don’t know God, he is the secret you’re searching for.
*Working with the David Glasser Foundation has helped me moved forward. One of the devastating factors of Davey’s death and the death of any child is losing all of their future. Davey had so much to give and do yet – things he will now never get a chance to do. So helping kids and families in his name gives us a chance to do some of those things – it’s not all lost. I have talked with other families who have started scholarships in the name of the child they lost which is the same concept. It’s a way to redeem some of what should have been.
* Focusing on being grateful for 34 years with Davey helps me. Focusing on all the blessings I have today helps me. I don’t let myself focus on all I have lost because that doesn’t help me stay positive and move forward.
I hope sharing this helps you.
This is a very tough road we are on. Knowing we’re not alone on this road makes it a little easier.
Miss you, Davey.