It’s one of my goals – to wrestle well.
Wrestling – that’s what it feels like trying to deal with all the emotions and realities of this unfamiliar road I find myself on.
I know it’s healthy to feel the grief and the loss of the death of my son, David Glasser, who was a Phoenix Police Officer killed in the line of duty May 18, 2016. I don’t want to stuff it in or ignore it – that’s going to cause problems. So I wrestle with it. In my life before Davey’s death, I was not an emotional person. Now I have had to get used to the fact that my eyes fill with tears many times a day and it doesn’t take much for me to be reaching for a tissue. I can’t get through a worship service at church without tears rolling down my face because my Father God has been so important to me as I’ve struggled with this strange life I’ve been dropped into.
Now my tears lie right under my smile.
I also want to make sure my mind is dealing with the issues of grief and loss instead of ignoring them or getting stuck on them. It’s obvious that writing this blog has helped me as I have worked through different aspects of my reality of being left behind. If you have been reading these blogs, you just saw me spend several weeks processing how to move forward with my family yearbooks now that 3 years have passed and I can finally touch the pictures of the year Davey was killed without an emotional avalanche.
I have done a lot of wrestling. God really helped me early on in this journey to identify my new priorities. Many parts of my old life had shattered. A lot of my dreams for the future had been stripped away. So – here I am. What’s most important to me now? What’s the next step? God has been answering my questions as I stay close to him and trust him with everything.
Davey is gone but I’m still here. Why am I still here? I know that many parents of fallen officers share the feeling with me that we wish it had been us. We wish we were the ones that were killed so our sons and daughters could still be here with their children. It would be an easy choice for us. But we didn’t get the option to choose and now we’re are in this new place we never wanted to be……..
So much has changed. Too much has changed. But I can’t go back, I must go forward. I have to figure out how to deal positively with the struggle.
I look to my Father God for answers because I know he has a purpose for this journey. I know he loves me and wants the best for me. I also know that he loves Davey and wants the best for him. So – somehow – this is the best. I will probably never understand that.
I’m still wrestling.
Miss you, Davey