Feeling it……

left behind.

The list of things that I’ve done that I thought I would never do has grown very long since May 19, 2016.  A couple of years ago it felt very strange to be buying a plot in the cemetery next to my son. David Glasser was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 19, 2016.  Now that Davey had a plot, it felt right to have a spot next to him for my husband and my cremated remains when that day comes.

We also planted a tree next to our spot.  That first summer of visiting cemetery and cleaning Davey’s spot was brutal.  Hot and horrible.  I felt I really needed a tree out there to provide some shade.  So we bought some more plots and planted one.

And the tree died.  Why was I not surprised?  A dead tree fit right in with the pain and loss I was feeling.

The good news is that the second tree we planted is thriving and starting to provide some much needed shade.  I used to wonder why I felt such a strong need for a tree….until I saw the movie, “The Shack”.  Have you seen it?  Now I know why I wanted a tree.

Spoiler alert – in the movie, they planted the seed of a tree on top of his daughter’s grave.  When they watered it with the father’s tears, it miraculously immediately grew into a big, beautiful, green tree.

Awesome!  Life!  In a place where we remember those who have died.  I’m so glad we have a tree by our spot.

My husband and I have moved to Denver but we recently visited Phoenix and stopped by Davey’s spot to clean it.  He’s not there but it’s a great place for remembering.  While I cleaned, I prayed.  I prayed for our family, our extended ‘family’ which includes his squad and I pray for the families of the other fallen officers who are buried close to Davey.  There have been so many tears in this place.

Looking around the cemetery, I was reminded of all the people I love who are already in heaven.

I really miss my mom.  She was so much fun and such an amazing Christian woman!  My father was a good Christian man who died when I was 21 years-old so I never got to know him as an adult.  My stepfather was also a good man who married my mother on her 70th birthday.  He was a fantastic grandfather to my children.   My oldest brother was 13 years older than me and went to heaven a couple of years ago.  He was the one who walked me down the aisle.  They are all in heaven.

I have been blessed with a strong, Christian background so my grandparents are all in heaven along with a large number of my aunts, uncles and cousins.

And now my son.

He is there.  And there are times when I have an overwhelming feeling of being left behind.  Don’t worry.  There’s no need to call a hotline 🙂  I’ll be here until God decides differently.

But there are days when I am homesick.  Home is where my Father God is.  Home – where there are no viruses, disappointments or problems.  No grief.  No pain.  Home – the number of people I love who are already home is growing.

It is our home because Jesus redeemed our lives.  He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.  He is the Way to heaven.  He is the Truth here on earth.  And the Life he gives us doesn’t end here.

If you haven’t made the choice to trust in Jesus, there is no better time than now.  Tomorrow may be too late.

Davey and I would really like for you to join us someday in heaven…

He is already there.

Miss you, Davey.

 

#8144loveyou

6 thoughts on “Feeling it……

  1. Judy,

    Our stories are so similar, yet very different on how we’ve lost our boys. I’m so glad you’ve been able to put your feelings into words to help many of us work through our pain of this unexpected journey of Grief.

    My son:
    Border Patrol Agent Jose “Joey” D. Barraza was killed on his way home from a midnight shift on the morning of April 18, 2016 at approximately 7:30am, when a disabled big rig, traveling at 35mph along I-10 just 78 miles away from El Paso, TX. Joey was on cruise control at 80-85 MPH when, still for unknown reasons, slammed into the back of the trailer that the driver had just minutes before, moved the back wheels of the trailer (tandems) all the way to the front to “get more speed” to “hump the load into El Paso, Tx.”

    I guess on this journey, you really don’t know or understand why you do some of the things you do.

    I lost my faith in God..my pain was deep to my soul, a piece of my soul went with Joey on April 18, 2016; just 5 days after his 29th birthday, and just 2 days after we had a huge party for he and his boys ( they’re birthdays are very close together). Big parties we always the thing to do.

    In July 2015, I had lost my mother, best friend, of a sudden asthma/COPD attach after she caught a cold. Since she had not paid or made any arrangements for her final wishes, my husband (the kids step-dad) and I had decided to take that burden from our kids, we bought our cremation and final arrangements.
    We had never thought about staying in the ground, we just figured one of our kids would take our ashes to a place of their choice, the ocean was my life and the desert was his. (All of our children were still alive then) and would do what they felt was right.

    But after Joey’s accident, he was buried in a cemetery to have his body remain in El Paso, FOREVER!
    We thought long and hard, about the best thing to do. We decided not to move from El Paso. TX; as our children and grandchildren were here and the last thing I wanted to do was leave my baby boy and grandchildren behind. My 4 children and myself, a single momma for a long time, were never far apart, plus now I had grandchildren here and I truly do not want to miss out on them growing up, much less, without grandparents around. So here we are in a place I’ve called “Hell Pisso” for a long time.

    One day about 2yrs ago, my husband and I were visiting Joey’s grave, which at that point didn’t understand or accept that Joey’s spirit was not there, a VERY STRONG voice and feeling came over me and I turned to my husband, Joey’s step-dad, and said, “ I want to buy the two or more plots right next to my baby boy.” He looked at me with the most confusing expression and said, “but I thought we wanted to be cremated?” I said “yes, but what says we can’t put them in a plot?” He again, looked at me with a puzzled look and said….”you’re right!” So, at the time it felt bazaar and I really did not know where the strong urge was coming from. But now I know….Joey didn’t want to be alone or without his family around (that was his biggest fear).
    I know this sounds too weird, but now I look around the cemetery and there are very few places left in that area in order to keep our family together. I was only able to buy 2 plots with a possibly of making them 3 each, to give our family a total of 6, but that puts myself, maybe his father or stepdad, his bother, and sisters, at the minimum together. My DIL has an option to buy the 2 others attached to my sons plot which could accommodate his boys, and possibly my DIL. But who knows who God with take next.

    Two weeks ago, we planted the first tree and this next weekend we will plant one more, to give Joey the shade and his permanent Christmas trees, as Christmas was ALWAYS his favorite holiday. I guess that’s why it’s been so hard to deal with the empty chair, and lack of a complete family at our Holiday Dinners the last 5 years.

    Well as always, our boys protected and completed their jobs on earth, according to Gods Plan, not ours. They have their wings. They do not have to struggle with this horrific, unloving world anymore and they know when we are coming. So for now, this momma is going to wait for that day. I just keep praying it’s not another 50 years.

    God bless you and your family. I’m sure our boys are together along with, unfortunately, many others. We all will be together again someday.

    Love always,
    Tammy and Family of BE103, BPA Joey Barraza. EOW: 4/18/16.

    Like

    • Weep! I agree with you, Tammy. We have a lot in common. It’s interesting to see that we processed some crucial curves on this journey in very similar manners. I like to think that our fallen sons and daughters who are believers have a special group up in heaven that meets with Jesus regularly to celebrate their choice to give their lives if needed for others. Joey and Davey probably know each other.💙💙

      Like

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