My Nightmare

It happened again last week.

While talking with someone I just met, the subject came up and I said my son had been killed last year.

Last year.

Sometimes the pain feels like yesterday.

It’s very hard.

And saying it makes it more real.

For weeks after Davey’s death, I would wake up every morning hoping that it was all just a bad dream.

Praying that it was all a nightmare that I could wake up from.fullsizerender-2

Every morning I would open my eyes and look around my bedroom – hoping I wouldn’t see the frame on my dresser which holds the last Mother’s Day card I’ll ever get from Davey.  The one he signed “I love you”.

Every morning I would hope I wouldn’t see his memorial picture that hangs in my kitchen.  He had such a great smile.

As I looked around, I was hoping that I wouldn’t see the blue line flag I painted when a bunch of us got together to try to start healing our broken hearts.  Together, we are stronger.

But I saw the card and the picture and the flag everyday.

Because it wasn’t just a very bad dream.

The worst happened.

The nightmare is real.

And I know the nightmare is still very real to a whole group of us who knew Davey well and loved him.  I can see it in your eyes.

Our hearts are broken.  There’s a big gaping hole in our lives.  We can’t go back to our old lives because Davey is not there.

It’s like a dimmer switch has been turned down on the light and laughter and joy in our world.

You feel it, too.

I don’t know how people can deal with tragedy like this without faith in God. I believe that Davey is in heaven with his Father God.  With my Father God.  He’s there with my mother, father, stepfather, brother and many more of my family and friends who have gone home before him.  I believe that God is in the process of bringing good out of the evil that was done.  I believe that I’ve been left behind because God has a part for me in this plan.img_2481

Davey walked into my dream a couple of weeks ago.  I was sitting at the table with Kristen and my little granddaughter.  It felt like a regular ‘time to color’ or ‘let’s eat’.  Then Davey walked in and sat down.  He gave us a big smile.  He didn’t say anything.  He just smiled at all of us.

I looked at Kristen and blinked.

Maybe everything else really was all just a dream!!

It felt so real.  The explosion of hope in my heart was so strong that it woke me up.

And the nightmare was back.  Sometimes I just want to live in that dream.

But Davey’s  big smile stays with me.  He’s happy.  He is in a place with no sadness, pain or nightmares.  The battle between good and evil that he committed his adult life to here on earth is over for him.  Where he is, the good guys have won.  Davey has won.

On the day that is already determined for me, I will see him again.  It will not be a dream, it will be my new, eternal reality.

What about you?

I know he would like to see you again, too.



3 responses to “My Nightmare”

  1. I am praying that you see Davey. I love his smile too in the photos I see. Davey, Davey, Davey . . . When my Dad was dying (coma) 2001, I knew the last sense to go was hearing. I talked to him for the last 5 hrs. I told him he would see Doug (my brother). I pictured them riding their horses around together. I hope that happened. Earlier (1973) when my brother died, I dreamed I walked into a little Las Cruces bar with a baseball bat. A drunken Mexican was at the bar. I asked him his name. He was the guy who killed my brother. I swung the bat and split open his head. I was glad. There was 34 yrs. between my brother’s death and my Dad’s. It is a never ending process.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: