Now I want to go back.

In the past, whenever I would be talking with people who were saying that they’d like to go back to being 16 or 21 or 39, I would always say I didn’t want to go back.  Each age has its benefits and trials.  Each phase of my life has had its rewards and challenges.  I have never wanted to go back to redo or un-do things.

But I have changed my mind  Now I want to go back – to any time before Davey was killed.   I would go through all the pain and grief since May 18, 2016 when he was killed in the line of duty again if I could go back to relive my last hour with Davey.  Or just the last 10 minutes.  It would be worth it to see his smile one more time. 

I just want to hear him laugh.

This picture of Davey was taken at his home about a month before he was killed.  I am so glad we took a bunch of family photos with him that day – they are all extremely precious to me. 

When I got to his house that day, he had on some old, ragged, weird-colored clothes and he casually mentioned he was ready for the pictures.  He knew I always tried to do a little color coordinating when we took family photos and he probably put on his crazy clothes just to get a response from me.  I’ll never forget –  I gave him my ‘mom look’ and he laughed.  I knew he was joking so I didn’t have to say anything.  He changed his clothes without another word said – I’m sure he had it all planned what he was really going to wear.  He just liked to joke around and have fun. 

I really miss that.

I want to go back.  I would not  un-do anything – I just want to do it again.

But I know I can’t go back.  And in a group of people who are talking about going back, I probably wouldn’t bring this up because it hits the empty hole in my heart.  The hole that hurts.  The hole that makes it hard to smile sometimes.  It’s the hole that aches as I watch his children play sports – he would have been so proud of them.  He would have been spending a lot of time practicing with them and helping them improve – he was a great coach.

It’s the hole that aches on his birthday, his children’s birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving – any time that families get together. He’s missing. He will always be missing.

My head knows I can’t go back but my heart wants to.

My head knows that the only direction I can go is forward. 

Seeing all of the good things happening with the David Glasser Foundation as it continues Davey’s legacy of love has made moving forward easier.  Witnessing the great things taking place through the efforts of everyone who volunteers for the foundation and supports the foundation brings a purpose and light into my life.  Seeing kids’ lives being positively changed because of the work of the foundation brings joy.

Watching God pick up the pieces of my shattered life and put them together in new and interesting ways has made struggling to move forward worth it. God has a purpose for it all and a plan to make something good come out of the devastation Davey’s death caused in my life. Moving forward with my eyes focused on God is the only way I’m going to see that plan happen.

But I would still go back…

in a heartbeat.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.