The Pain of Permanence

May 18, 2016 my world blew up – thrusting me into a dark, confusing, very sad place.  A place of grief.  A place I never wanted to go.  My son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty.

I have had other people very close to me die – my mother, father and older brother.

But this was not the same.  Not even close.  And I can’t even explain how much worse it has been compared to other deaths in my family.

My first year after Davey was killed was filled with a swirl of emotions.  My heart was smashed as the light Davey brought into my life disappeared.  My plans and dreams for him were ripped away.  I was smacked in the face with situations that were extremely tough.  It all hurt.  That first year was unbelievably difficult.

I was hoping the second year would be better.  People always say that the first year is the worst, don’t they?

But it wasn’t.  In the second year, I began to feel the pain of permanence.  The reality of life long-term without Davey didn’t seem possible.  But it was happening.

And it keeps happening.  I have experienced how empty his birthday feels without him 7 times. I know what Christmas and Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are like without Davey.

I know the heartbreak behind the smiles when we celebrate the birthdays of his children when a very happy and proud father is missing.

There are no words to describe how awful the permanence of this situation feels.

In the months following May 18, 2016, I had no idea how my family and I would find our way back to our normal.  Now, 6 1/2 years later, I understand that we will never go back. That time, that place is gone.

My life – our life – back there is gone.

So we have to move forward – a new life, a new reality, a new normal. I’ve been writing a book about my journey of surviving Davey’s death and it’s bittersweet. The sweet part is all of the great memories I have with Davey – fun times, lots of laughs. The bitter part is all we have lost, the extreme grief, the impossible reality of living without him.

I don’t use the word ‘healing’ in relationship to the grief and loss I’ve experienced from Davey’s death because that sounds like it goes away.  I don’t think that’s a good description of this journey of survival.  Often something will happen that touches a piece of my broken heart and the tears that slide down my face are visible evidence of how much I have lost.  I’m gradually getting used to my life without Davey but this broken heart is not going away….

and it’s not invisible.

In some ways, each new year gets more difficult –

the pain of permanence.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

10 responses to “The Pain of Permanence”

  1. As I read this, tears stream down my face. The permanence is only starting to sink in as holidays pass and my grandchildren have yet another birthday without their dad. Never would I have imagined our futures without James ‘ silly faces he would make and his sarcastic sense of humor. He was so intelligent, talented, and faithful. My heart is so broken. 💔 I know God walks with us, one day I will feel His presence again, and one day I will see my son again, but today I just feel so much sorrow.

    Like

    1. So sorry. This is a very long and tough path. So glad we have God beside us giving the strength we need. 💙💙

      Like

  2. My brother, sgt Michael Bossuyt turned my life upside down. I didn’t see it coming

    Like

    1. 🙏🏼🙏🏼💙💙prayers for you, Teresa💙💙

      Like

  3. mrajhn@bellsouth.net Avatar
    mrajhn@bellsouth.net

    Judy,

    March 27th will mark 18 years. I KNOW your pain!! I KNOW your grief.

    A week from tomorrow I will attend yet another pre-trial hearing for the animal who murdered my son. That animal was sentenced to death, yet he is afforded EVERY possible opportunity to plead for his life (at taxpayers expense). My son didn’t have that opportunity. It never ends.

    My heart aches for you and all Mothers of sons and daughters who died in the line of duty.

    Sincerely,

    Marcia Johnston

    Mother of Kevin Scott Kight

    Panama City Beach, Florida

    EOW – 3/27/2005

    Like

    1. So sorry to hear about all of your loss and grief. 🙏🏼🙏🏼💙💙

      Like

  4. Hey Jude,
    I love you and I so appreciate the depth of reality that you share in your blogs. I am sad for you but I also am encouraged. I have been learning from your wisdom and mentorshipI for my entire adult life. I so wish that the wisdom and encouragement since Davey’s passing was rooted in any other reason. You are truly the bravest person I know and I am so grateful to say that who you are and whom you serve continues to shape who I am. Thank you
    Love you❤️

    Like

    1. Love you, Becca. Thank you for your encouragement 💙💙 I have loved watching your faith and relationship with God grow and mature. How awesome! You are a blessing to me.💙💙💙

      Like

  5. You describe the loss of a loved one so perfectly. You validate the feelings I have in relation to those loved ones I have lost. The pain is permanent and when I need to grieve I will grieve. Thank you Judy for writing that book! I’m excited to read it when it comes out! Love you.💙💙💙💙

    Like

    1. Thank you for all of your encouragement, Cindy. There is one last step to go with the book! Exciting! I will let you know- it will be available on Amazon before the end of Feb. Love you💙💙

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: