Tag: grief

When the Answer is No

I asked.

I begged.

The night after Davey was shot I went down to the hospital chapel all by myself.  I walked up to the altar and laid facedown on the cold tile.   And I begged God for a miracle. It was becoming increasingly obvious that Davey needed a miracle in order to stay alive.

So I begged.  I have no idea how long I laid there, pleading with God.

At this same time, my husband, Dave, was walking up and down the crowded hallway outside of Davey’s hospital room, asking everyone to pray for a miracle.

There were also three waiting rooms downstairs filled with people – many of them praying with us, asking for a miracle.

Every hospital hallway I walked down was filled with people – most of them praying with us, asking for a miracle.

In my mind, I see a huge hand reaching up out of the roof of the hospital, stretching up to heaven, asking our God who holds life and death in his hands to reach down and touch Davey.

We asked.

We begged.

Hours later we received our answer.

And the answer was no.

No more smiles and jokes from Davey.

No more fun and games with Davey.

No to watching my grandchildren grow up with their father’s arms around them.

No to watching Davey and Kristen grow old together.

So many no’s.

There’s a reason why we all listened to Hilary Scott sing “Thy Will” at Davey’s funeral.  We asked for a miracle for Davey and God said no.  He has a different plan than we do.

Every day I am reminded that God has a very different plan than mine.  Standing on the rock of God’s love and trusting that he has many great tomorrows waiting for me, I move forward……

– not happy about the reality that I now live in without Davey.

– not understanding why we all have to travel this path without Davey.

I go on, taking my broken heart with me. I am listening and watching as God creates a new future from the ashes of the life I had before Davey was killed. This future is extremely different than the one I expected…..

because God said no.

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He Had Plans

He was going to retire from the Phoenix Police Force after 20 years, get his teaching certificate and coach basketball while teaching at the high school level.

David Glasser, my son who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016, would have been a great teacher.

And he would have been an even better coach.  He not only loved sports – he understood the complexities and reality of playing them.

But – none of it is going to happen.  This is one of the most painful parts of the tragedy of his death – all of these dreams have been snatched away.  There is a long list of plans and fun and awesome experiences – which we’re not going to have.

This is definitely a hot button of grief in my life.  His plans.  He was going to continue to work and give and sacrifice for the good of our community.  Davey would have positively touched hundreds of kids and their families’ lives in high school with his unique combination of fun, integrity and faith.  The stories and the accomplishments would have just kept coming.

Because that’s who he was.

I think this is one of the places that hurts the worst when your child dies – all of the things that were going to happen and should have happened, just aren’t going to happen.  All the potential.  All the possibilities.  Gone.

For me, this part has been much more difficult than with other deaths I have experienced.  I was very close to my mother and I miss her a lot.  When she passed away at 84 years-old, she had lived a full and faithful life.  She assured us she was ready to go ‘home’.

Davey’s death is so very different.

This is much harder.

The hole doesn’t go away.

The lost dreams come back to haunt me.  They remind me of who is missing in my life.

One of the ways we are reclaiming some of those lost plans is through the David Glasser Foundation.  With God’s help, we are continuing the work which Davey started. We hold a Shop with a Cop event every Christmas making sure some of the families in Laveen that financially can not afford any gifts will have some to open. Laveen is where Davey was killed.

The David Glasser Foundation also sponsors youth sports team throughout the Phoenix Metropolitan area. All of these teams have law enforcement officers as volunteers and coaches. This gives kids and their families an opportunity to have positive relationships with police officers.

Some of Davey’s plans are also being accomplished at the David Glasser Athletic Complex in Laveen. We broke ground several years ago.  There are 2 baseball fields at this location and a football field. It has become a hub for the families in Laveen to gather and for the kids to play sports. Thank you to the Laveen Elementary School District for honoring Davey this way! He would have loved it.

Davey’s grandfather passed away 2 weeks before Davey died and his grandfather has a baseball field in Pennsylvania named after him.  Davey was very proud of this and he visited the field every time he could making sure his son, Micah, got to see it, too. He would be very proud to see his own name on a sports complex.

So breaking ground on the athletic complex and starting a foundation with his name on it revived some of the dreams Davey had:

  • dreams of kids learning perseverance, respect, accountability, teamwork and responsibility through sports which can prepare them to become positive adult contributors to their community.
  • dreams of kids being coached well, giving them a good role model so they can identify the ‘good guys’ and want to be a part of the solution in our culture.

Breaking ground.  It’s a good term.  Once the ground is broken, there is no putting it back exactly like it was.  Broken ground becomes something else.   And this broken ground has become the David Glasser Athletic Complex filled with lots of potential and possibilities.

New dreams fulfilling old dreams.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

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It Has Been Decided

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My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016. His official EOW date is May 19th but, if you had seen him in the hospital bed like I did, you would know that the awesome son, brother, husband, father, friend and police officer we all knew and loved was already gone.

These last 9 years have been the most difficult and painful time of my life.

One of the ways God has comforted me is through this truth – ” A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.” Job 14:5.

God has already decided which day will be the last day of your life here on earth and mine.

Knowing this helped me let go of my mother when she passed away 21 years ago.  We had a very close relationship and she was my role-model for how a Christian woman lives her life faithful to God – all the way to her last breath here on earth.  I realized, if God wanted her in heaven with him, then that’s what I wanted for her. 

She was an awesome grandmother to my children and this picture of her with Davey brings back great memories of all of my mother’s famous cinnamon rolls we ate together.  Mom had two rules about the cinnamon rolls – nobody counted how many rolls anybody ate and you had to come see her to get some. She didn’t give them to people to give to other people – she wanted to see you and spend time with you.  If there are cinnamon rolls in heaven, you can bet that these two are gobbling down a bunch of these together today.

davey-and-grandma-rolls

Twenty years ago I found myself in ICU with twelve blood clots in my lungs.  Have you ever seen a doctor look scared when they tell you are experiencing a life-threatening situation?  Laying in the emergency room, I heard God clearly tell me that I wasn’t going to die from this.  Later, five different doctors at five different times looked at me in awe and told me the blood clots should have killed me.

The blood clots obviously didn’t kill me. It just wasn’t my day.

I know that God has reasons for picking May 18 as Davey’s final day here on earth.  I may never understand those reasons but I trust God.  And, since God wants him in heaven, that’s what I want for Davey.

Knowing that this date was determined before Davey was born helps me avoid needless regrets like –

  • I wish he hadn’t gone on that call.
    • It wouldn’t have mattered.  This was his day.
  • I wish he hadn’t gone to work that day.
    • It would have happened no matter what he was doing.
  • I wish he hadn’t been a police officer.
    • He was born to be a police officer and he died honorably, serving his community and doing what he loved to do.  He wouldn’t have wanted to live or die any other way.

It was decided.  There is no ‘wishing’ something else had happened.  God decreed the number of Davey’s days here on earth and then he took Davey home.

Now, standing on a foundation of God’s love and strength and grace, I am figuring out how to move forward.    I am still here because God has a purpose for me and that’s what my life needs to be about until the day God has already determined when he will come to bring me home.

I don’t know all the details of my future but meanwhile, through the tears, I’m focusing on loving God and loving other people.

A bigger chunk of my heart is now in heaven with you, Abba Father.

Surviving the Worst

If you have had a child die, you know that it is one of the worst things that can happen to you.   For some of us it is definitely THE worst thing that could ever happen to us.

After years of working at facing my fears, I realized many years ago that the only fear I had left was that something bad would happen to one of my children.  A couple of years after that realization, my daughter was diagnosed with cancer.  It changed her life but it was caught early and there have been no more signs of cancer.

I thought that was enough.  That was my fear coming true and it was a tough time.

I didn’t know a tsunami that far exceeded anything I was afraid of was building up steam and heading my way.  It hit on May 18, 2016 when my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty as he was responding to a robbery call.  The waves of grief and anger and pain roared over my life – foaming, surging and destroying.  They violently ripped away any expectations I had for today and totally decimated my dreams for tomorrow.

The waves roared all night and grew stronger in the darkness.

But they were most painful in the daylight when I could see the desolation they had left.

The holes.

The emptiness.

The loss.

My two small fatherless grandchildren.

This storm left my ‘stuff’ but took my son.   And I would give everything I own for one more hour with Davey.

To see his smile.

Hear his laughter.  And his jokes.

And one more ‘love you’.

Surviving the worst has taken away all of my fears.  Because fearing that something bad would happen did not change the facts about the bad things that happened to my children.

Fear is useless.

Fear does nothing but stop us from doing things we should do.

Fear keeps us on the defensive.  It keeps us cowering in the corner.

My prayer for all of us who have experienced the worst is that we will find courage in knowing we have survived.  I pray that we will act on  that courage because we survived for a purpose.  And I pray that we will set aside our useless fears so we can make the time we have left on this planet count.  Because our time is short – often much shorter than we know.

Davey would be extremely proud of the David Glasser Foundation which is continuing his fight against hate and ignorance and violence.  He would love the reality of all of us working together to push back the darkness – one step at a time.  We are not sitting in the corner, afraid that something else bad is going to happen.  It probably will – our fears will not stop it.  But our actions might.

With courage and conviction, we are moving forward, continuing Davey’s battle and making it our own.

The challenge I give everyone today is to figure out how to be a part of the fight for what’s right.  You are welcome to join us and support the David Glasser Foundation or find your own battle.  There is much work to be done to reestablish honor, respect, and love in our country.

May God give all of us the courage we need to help make that happen.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

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Happy Man Christmas!

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Today is the day!

Man Christmas is traditionally the first day of professional football. David Glasser, my son who was a Phoenix Police Officer killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016, would be celebrating today. He considered this to be the best day of the year for men who like football.  From their perspective, Christmas is good, football is better.  Of course, a lot of women like football, too, but I’m guessing that not very many of women would put football before Christmas.

Davey loved the Arizona Cardinals.   He was definitely not a fair weather fan – he was there, cheering them on year after year whether they were having a good year or not.  He had season tickets every year.  He knew all the stats and kept up with all the tweets.

Davey loved to tailgate before the games with all of his buddies.  There were lots of games of washers and corn hole.  Lots of food.  Lots of shots and beers.  It was a good time to blow off some steam with his friends since he was going into the 3-hour game where he didn’t drink any beer because the prices were too high.  Davey was always looking for the best deal.

If you sat next to Davey in a game, you were in for some extra entertainment.  He kept track of anybody sitting around him with the opposing team’s hat or shirt on.  He would regularly yell comments out to these fans of the other team as the game progressed – especially when the Cardinals were ahead.  They would also hear from him when they went out to get some food and when they got back with their food.  He and his buddies often had an extra ticket or two because someone from their pack couldn’t go.  They were very diligent in making sure that the people who were given those tickets would not be cheering for the opposing team.

It just wasn’t done.

I love this picture because it shows Davey’s pure delight in being at a game surrounded by Kristen and his friends.  It truly was one of his happy places.

So we gather to watch the Cardinals game today – some of us in the stadium and some of us at home.

And we remember……..

We remember our favorite Cardinals fan and celebrate his love for football.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you!

Go, Cardinals!!

May 18, 2016

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That’s the day when the worst happened.

Someone I loved deeply and planned to have in my life for a very long time went to work…..

and never returned.

It is my worst nightmare.

My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police officer for 12 years.  I always said it would never happen to him because he was smart and he was not a risk-taker. I was so wrong. It can happen to anyone.

I know about the small cloud of anxiety that hangs over Police Officers and their families every day.

Hoping..

and praying..

that today is not the day they don’t come back.

daveys-shield

May 18, 2016 is the day that Davey didn’t come back.

I’ve been picking up the pieces of my life for the last 9 1/2 years. I’ve been figuring out how they fit together around this very large hole in my heart.  I know God has a plan and a purpose for what happened.  And one part of that plan is for me to share some of this journey with you.

I call this blog “My Family Bleeds Blue” because my family actually does bleed blue.  The courage and love and honor that embodies a great Police Officer runs through of the veins of my ‘family’ members.  Others of us in the ‘family’ have hearts of blue because we love and encourage and pray for our members who wear the uniform.

If either of these describe you, welcome to my Blue Family!

It’s not an easy family to be a part of.

The worst can happen.

But we stand by each other- loving, supporting and encouraging each other. And we never forget those who sacrificed everything in order to serve and protect.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

 

In an Instant

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In a second……

everything permanently changes.

There are so many reminders happening all around us every day of how quickly life ends – accidents and sudden medical events and violence. I can’t help thinking about the family, friends and co-workers who are being left behind.  Because that’s my story – I’ve been left behind.  Every idea of what I thought my future was to going to be has literally crashed and burned.

My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty.  May 18, 2016 – a date seared into my soul.   When I hear the news of the latest tragedy, I find myself visiting that deep, dark place of pain, grief and loss once again.

I don’t know the all specifics of other people’s situations, but I know the feelings.  I know the searing pain as reality reaches out to grab us through the sudden fog in our brains.  I know the hope each morning that it was all just a nightmare.  I know the constant reminders of all that has been lost.  I know the swirling.  I know the emptiness.

If you’ve experienced this kind of tragedy, you know it, too.

The good news is that God has helped me learn how to just visit that dark place.  I’m not stuck there.  I can feel it, recognize it and pray for those that have joined me on this road of re-creating what my future looks like. But I’m not staying in yesterday.  God has a purpose for leaving me here and that’s what I need to focus on.  I can’t focus on all I have lost…..there’s too much.  It’s too big.  It’s so painful.

These days I am often reminded again how short life is. Just last week, the 31 year-old son of a good friend died in his sleep. Shocking. Tragic. Yes, it brings up all of those feelings I had after Davey died. I can’t talk about it without tearing up. Once again, I am reminded how precious life is. I am reminded how everything can change in an instant.  I am reminded how quickly people can be gone.  I’m reminded of how quickly I could be gone.

I am reminded of some of the game-changing things I have learned since Davey left us –

Life is short – forgive others, love others, cherish your time with them.  Always put God and people before ‘stuff’ and money.

No regrets – go, see, do.  Don’t put things off.  Deal with any conflict going on with people in your life positively or let it go.  Don’t stop talking to people when you’re mad at them – you may never get another chance to say ‘love you”.

Love is the answer – Love has a magical quality that comes straight from God.  Love first and worry about all the other stuff later.  Our lives will be empty unless we fill them with love.  We don’t want to miss the chances we have to love others and add something meaningful to their lives.

Davey had it so right when he made sure the last thing he said to anyone he cared about was ‘love you’.  It’s now years later and we are all still blessed by his last words to us as they echo through our hearts and minds.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

The Dave Glasser #8144 ‘Love You’ Campaign

If Dave were here, he’d be saying it to you, right,  James Byrd?

Byrd told all of us at the funeral about Dave saying ‘Love you’ to his brothers in blue in his squad before he left for his shift.  And he expected them to say it, too.  At first, it felt a little awkward for all the guys loaded down with guns and weapons to be saying ‘Love you’ to each other but Dave insisted.  Because you never know if you’re going to get another chance to say it.

daveys-spot-on-birthday

Turns out, he was so right.  Too right.

We all know Davey loved us.  He told us all the time – its his legacy.  And he showed it with his ready smile, loyalty, how he included everyone in his love of having fun and a million other different ways.

Since Davey’s death, many of us have gotten good at telling each other ‘Love you’ when we’re leaving.  Because nobody knows better than we do just how easy it is for us not to have another chance to say it. And it has added some extra love to our relationships.  It has added a new depth to how important we are to each other.  It has added a clear understanding of how we are all sharing his loss together.

That’s how the Dave Glasser #8144 “Love You’ Campaign got started. A couple of months after Davey was killed in the line of duty, I realized that the ‘love you’ habit was spreading and was becoming Davey’s legacy. So I made it official by creating a Facebook page dedicated to spreading love and awareness on social media. The page if full of posts encouraging police officers and helping grow awareness of how awesome they are to others don’t know it. It also reminds us that life is short and we need to let people around us know that we love them.

Would the people in your life benefit from hearing you tell them you love them more often?

Could the world around you use a little more love?

Are people around you in a stressed-out rush? Are they angry? Lonely? Empty?

What are some things – big and small – that you could do to show some love to someone else?  You might know these people, you might not.  Love can take many forms – it can be a little more patience with them or some more forgiveness and understanding.  Love can look like giving people space to get on the freeway.  Or parking in a spot at the far end of the parking lot so others can take the close spots.  Sometimes just a smile can show acceptance and love to someone.  And never forget small gifts of chocolate 🙂

Is there someone you need to start saying ‘love you’ to more often?  Believe me, you never know if you’ll ever get another chance.

Maybe there are a bunch of people you need to start saying ‘love you’ to. Who are they? Why don’t you start right now? It might surprise them and it will be a nice surprise.

There are now over 1.6K people in the Dave Glasser #8144 Love you Campaign group. You are welcome to join us and keep the ‘love you’s’ going.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.

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I Hate Sirens

The sound of sirens makes my stomach churn.

It means members of my Blue Family are rushing to take care of business.  They are putting themselves at risk – not knowing what they are walking into.

Sirens are a signal that all is not well in my world.

sirens

Sirens in the middle of the night are the worst.  When its pitch black and the darkness is heaviest, people with darkness in their souls like to crawl out to do their evil deeds.

And so I pray.

I pray for my brothers and sisters in Blue.  I ask my Father God for wisdom for them.  I ask for courage.  I ask for protection.  And I ask that justice will be served so some of the darkness in my community will be taken away.

Sometimes these sirens are firefighters speeding through the streets with their sirens and lights.  Often, these first responders are partnering with our Blue family in order to bring order to chaos and help people who are hurt.  I know some excellent firefighters – and I pray for them, too, as the sirens wail across the night.

All the while, my stomach churns.  And I pray.

You, my dear brothers and sisters in Blue, are a very unusual breed of people.   You race through the night, in a hurry to stop the danger being committed by selfish, hateful people.

You run toward the gunfire.

You step into the middle of messes.  You move forward into the danger and are a human shield for others – even when they don’t like you or respect you.  You deal with the drugged liars and cheaters of our world every day, all day.

Meanwhile, the sirens scream through the night and my stomach churns.  And I pray, trying to push away the fear.

The fear of what could be happening.

Fear for your wives and husbands.

Fear for your children and your babies.

Fear for your fathers and your mothers.

Fear for your families and friends.

Because I know the danger that accompanies those sirens.

I know what can happen.

The phone call.

The trip to the hospital.

The doctor’s unbelievable words.

And the nightmare.

So I pray.

 

 

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We Struggle…Together

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I have been struggling with the grief of losing my son for over 9 years. These last couple of years I have gotten a new understanding of just how many of you are also struggling with grief and loss. You are travelling with me on this very tough journey of surviving the death of a child or someone we were very close to.

Two years ago, I published a book on Amazon, “Then I Looked Up: Losing a Child, Finding His Legacy of Love.” This is the story of my son, David Glasser’s, death in the line of duty, his life and my search for hope as I figured out how to move forward after my life exploded.

Since publishing the book, I have received many messages from people who have read my story and they tell me how it helped them with their own struggle. These messages have come from all kinds of people, not just those who lost a child. I have heard from sisters, wives, brothers, husbands, children and everyone else out there who has been grieving the death of someone who left a big hole in their lives. I have heard from people who are experiencing grief over divorces. I have heard from people who are not struggling themselves with grief right now but reading the book has helped them understand family and friends who are.

It has opened my eyes to how many grieving people there are in my world who are dealing with these tough, painful emotions.

“Your book changed my life.” one of my neighbors told me when I saw her at our shared mailbox. “I was stuck in a deep, dark pit after losing my best friend and now I have started to move forward and enjoy my life again. I’m sending the book to a friend who really needs it.”

“God spoke to me through your story and it changed everything” another friend told me as she sat down next to me at Bingo. Her husband died the year before and she couldn’t get past some of the ‘What if’s’ of the situation until she spent some time studying Job 14:5. “A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.”

“The truth in your book helped me answer some questions I had that made me get stuck in anger and bitterness, ” a sister of a fallen officer wrote. “Now I feel motivated to move forward and honor my brother’s life.”

“Your book helped me process my daughter’s death from over 20 years ago in a new way” said another friend. “I have a much more positive perspective now.”

It’s two years later and I still hear these comments.

What a blessing! I am extremely happy that sharing my story is helping other’s deal with their own broken hearts in a positive way. It gives purpose to my pain.

This is what I believe is happening – in the book I shared the truth that God has taught me about life and death and how different his perspective is from your’s and mine. I also shared some ideas of how you can apply some of the things I learned to your situation.

When our lives are anchored on God’s truth, he can make all the difference.

One of my favorite comments is when people tell me they sent the book to a friend or family member. That is perfect! You are the people who know people who would benefit from reading this book. A lot of you are doing this!

Keep it up! I love it! It’s something positive we can do when we find ourselves in a “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say.” situation.

Meanwhile, we continue the struggle – together.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.