There are times when I find myself looking around, searching for something.

This especially happens when I’m in a group of Police Officers. I find my eyes wondering around the group, looking for something.

What’s going on?

Why do I have these situations where I’m looking for something I can’t find?

And then I figured it out.

My heart is searching for Davey. I’m not looking for something, I’m looking for someone.

But he’s not here.

It’s been over 10 years and my heart has not completely adjusted to the reality of Davey’s death.  It’s still looking for him.  But it never finds him.

A couple of months after Davey’s death, I had a conversation with my daughter, Katie, where we discovered that we both would still saw glimpses of Davey – in a crowd or in a car speeding by. Is that him?

For a second, there he is!

Because we want to see him.

We want it to be him.

I still find myself looking at the person who is driving the police car going down the road next to me. Knowing it can’t be him….but wishing it was.

The reality that it can’t be him breaks my heart again.  The reality that it will never be him again this side of heaven starts the tears flowing.

My heart just has not completely adjusted to Davey’s death. I’m still looking for him.

I always thought that – at some point -my heart would adjust and stop doing this.

That hasn’t happened.

And I’m glad. He is still very alive in my heart.

Miss you, Davey.

Love you.