What am I thinking about?

What am I focused on?

I ask these questions when I find myself in a dark place.

When I’m sad.

When I’m stuck in yesterday.

When the list of what I have lost seems way too long.

When my shattered dreams fill my head as the tears drip down my face.

David Glasser, my son, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty last year.  Those of you who knew him realized that he was unique – he had a high level of integrity and knowledge of what was right and wrong and he also loved people and loved to have fun.  His dad was one of his best friends – we were very close.

And suddenly – without warning – Davey was gone.

Every day, new pains appear as we are reminded of just how much of the light and joy in our lives went with him.

On Davey’s birthday in November, a group of his family and friends visited his spot in the cemetery and released balloons into the sky.  Police Chaplain Bob Fesmire explained that this is a very old tradition reaching back to biblical times when incense was burned so it could combine with the prayers of God’s people as they floated up to heaven.

This is what I need to focus on.  And I invite those of who have experienced a huge loss in your life to join me.

I’m going to Look Up –

Look up to see the sun shining on all of my blessings that are still here.

Look up to remember that my prayers – our prayers – go to a God who loves us and who wants the best for us and who can do the impossible.

As 2018 begins, lets Look Up together to see all the possibilities a brand new year can bring.

 

#8144loveyou

Each day, as we get closer to Christmas, the hole in my heart grows a little bigger,

and a little darker.  The pain becomes a little stronger.

It becomes increasingly harder not to focus on what I have lost.

What my family has lost.

David Glasser, my son, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty last year.  The journey from May 18, 2016 to now has been a constant struggle.  And this struggle intensifies during the holidays – he loved everything about Christmas.

Sometimes I just wish the holidays were over.

I know many of you share my feelings.  Since I’ve had this very public and tragic loss in my life, more people have been sharing their own heartbreaks and the losses they have experienced with me.  And others haven’t talked about it but I can see the private pain in their eyes when we talk about my heartbreak.

They know the struggle – especially at Christmas.

So I force my attention away from who I don’t have in my life any longer.  And I focus on all the blessings God is giving me right now –  our daughter and son-in-law are coming home for Christmas for the first time in several years.  They are bringing their ‘baby bump’ which is my new tiny granddaughter who we will get to meet in February.  Thank for this huge blessing, Father God!

We are also planning several special times with family and friends during the holidays.  We have learned a life-changing lesson in just how short our lives can be and how quickly someone can be gone.  So, because of the hole, we know we need to make the most of the time we have together.   This is not the time to get stuck in yesterday.  We have new memories to make because there is no guarantee that we’ll have tomorrow together here on earth.

And we can’t ignore the struggle that is happening in so many people’s lives at this time of year.  I read that this week of Christmas has the highest rate of suicide across our nation.

That is so wrong.

So I pray for those of us who are experiencing additional pain and loss during this difficult season.  And I am trying to be extra patient and kind to people in my world this week – on the freeway, at the store, in the parking lots.  Many of them are struggling and I don’t want to add to the difficulties they are experiencing.

A group of my family and friends had the opportunity to do our annual organizing and wrapping gifts for UMOM this last week.  UMOM provides housing for homeless families.  A new family was moving in while we were wrapping and I can only imagine the trials that family is experiencing this week.  It blessed us to know we were helping to bless families – especially children – in the middle of their very tough circumstances during Christmas.

Can each of us think of a way we can reach out helping hands to those who are struggling?

And please join me in praying for a little more peace on earth during this holiday season.

Love you!

#8144loveyou

 

He noticed it.

He talked about it.

He took pictures of it all the time.

David Glasser, my son, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty last year.  He lived in Goodyear so he was on the I-10 driving east often – going to work, to the Cardinal’s games, to ASU games, to Diamondback games, shopping, seeing friends – lots of reasons to get on the freeway going east.

And each time – without fail – Davey would make sure to notice the gigantic American flag at Camping World just south of the freeway.  If anyone was in the car with him, he would always make a comment, ” Wow, the wind is just right today.  The flag looks great.”, “The flag is looking pretty worn out – they will probably be replacing it soon.” and “Look!  A new flag!”.  If his kids were in the car, no matter how small they were, he would ask them, “Where’s the big flag?” and they would eagerly point it out, happy to play along in this ritual with Dad.

Davey loved how great the flag looked as it flew over Phoenix – the city he was committed to protect and serve.  He was proud of being one of the good guys – a part of what’s right about America.  This picture of the flag was found on Davey’s phone after he was killed.  He took it 2 days before his death.

After Davey was killed, Camping World somehow found out about his love for their flag.  So they presented the huge flag that was flying when Davey died to the Phoenix Police Department and they presented more normal-sized flags to Davey’s wife and kids.  Thank you, Camping World!  What a great way to honor him!

The huge flag eventually was given to the Phoenix Police Explorers group which is made up of both high school and college students from all over the valley.  The group is led by Officers David Barrios, Jaime Brooks and Doug Burrow who give the group weekly police training. The students also give about 3000 hours service to their communities every year.  The Explorers took the flag with them on their summer trip last year up to Colorado and created their own ceremony to remember and honor Davey.

Tears stream down my face as I look at this picture of these young men and women standing at the foot of the Rocky Mountains with the flag Davey loved stretched out between them while the National Anthem was sung by one of the students.   With young people like these, there is hope for America.  They are in the process of becoming the brave people who fight for freedom that our National Anthem speaks of.

I was told that it was especially fitting because the flag was very worn and tattered on the end.

It’s tough on a flag to stand tall through the sun and wind and dust storms in Phoenix.

It was tough for Davey as he stood tall for justice and safety for the people of Phoenix.

And it’s still tough – every day – for our Law Enforcement Officers who stand tall in the thin blue line between the evil and the innocent – protecting our freedom to live safely in our communities.

When we see the American flag flying high over us – where ever we live – let us remember those at home and abroad who have given their lives to serve and protect us.  And let us remember those who are still sacrificing and protecting our freedoms each day.

Davey loved the flag and what it stands for.

Let’s follow his example.

#8144loveyou

 

He knew it was important to say it.

And he knew how it important it was to show it.

My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty last year.  And he knew how important the words ‘Love you’ are.

He said these words every time to his squad before he walked out to take a call.  And he badgered his squad into saying “Love you’ to each other, too.  Davey also said them all the time to everyone in his life who he cared about.  He knew how unsure life is and how quickly things change. He knew that these words can easily become the last thing you get to say to each other.  And he knew that these last words can either haunt you or bring a smile to your face.  He decided to make sure that his last words always brought a smile.

He knew that ‘Love you’ is not just two small words – strong emotions are attached which bring hope and warmth and worth when we are separated from each other.  Sometimes that separation is a couple of hours and sometimes – like may family – we are separated for the rest of our lives here on earth.

“Love you’ brings strength and comfort when we need it most.

God tells us that “Love builds up’ in 1 Corinthians and I have been a witness to how true that is these last 1 1/2 years.

Because Davey’s ‘Love you’s’ still echo in our heads, his family and friends have adopted them as our own habit.  It has become our mantra.  We don’t see each other or leave each other without hugs and ‘Love you’s”.  And this love has built us up.

It has built me up.  “Love you” rolls through my head during the dark nights when the hole in my life seems too much to bear.  It helps me smile at my two little fatherless grandchildren who look and act so much like Davey.

Love has made the impossible task of moving forward possible these last 1 1/2 years.

I have found that it is hard to be angry when everyone around me is saying they love me.

It is hard to be bitter when hugs and ‘Love you’s’ are coming from all directions.

And it is hard to feel like I’m all alone in this when I am surrounded by love.

Love builds up.

We had a great opportunity this week to spread love from our Blue family into our community through the David Glasser Foundation’s Shop with a Cop event.

Lots of fun.

Lots of smiles.

Lots of love.

Thank you for your legacy of love, Davey.

#8144loveyou

#fallenbutnotforgotten

They commit their lives to protecting our freedom every day.

They never stop working to take those who want to infringe on our right to live peacefully and safely off the streets.

These are our Law Enforcement Officers.  They are real freedom fighters in blue.

Just because our nation is ‘free’ doesn’t mean that we are free to do whatever we want.  There are laws and guidelines set up which we all need to follow to avoid restricting each other’s rights.  Without these laws, each of would be infringing on other people’s rights.  So the laws restrict us in order to free us to live comfortably and safely with each other in community.

Those of us who follow the laws are helping others live in peace and security.  Those who break the laws are creating dangerous and unsafe situations that infringe on other people’s rights.  My son, David Glasser, knew this and it was one of the major motivating factors for him choosing to become a Phoenix Police Officer.  He wanted to take the dangerous people off of the streets and put them behind bars.

Sure – some laws aren’t good.  Our country has a process in place to change bad laws.

Sure – some of the people making the laws aren’t good.  Our country has an election process so those people can be voted out.

Sure – some of the people enforcing the laws aren’t good.  There are so many checks and magnifying lens on them that the amount of people in this category is very small.  I know our Phoenix Law Enforcement Department is awesome and takes care of issues immediately.  If all of our law enforcement agencies received the support and resources they needed to do their job, they would be able to take care of issues even more quickly.  Right now, most of our law enforcement agencies are experiencing serious and unsafe deficits in support and resources.  Many city and state governments need to make significant changes so  our Freedom Fighters have what they need to protect and serve our communities.

For us to live freely, our Freedom fighters need our support – you and I.  We need to vote people into office who support Law Enforcement.  We need to take advantage of every opportunity we have to show respect and support for our Law Enforcement Officers.

I’m very proud of the people in the City of Phoenix – the regular people on the streets get it.  The city-wide support we received when Davey was killed in the line of duty last year was phenomenal.  I will never forget our ride from the church to the cemetery on the day of his funeral – hundreds of people with signs and salutes lined the streets.  Cars and people were lined up next to the freeway, on the freeway and over the freeway showing respect and support for a hero who died fighting for their freedom.  Unbelievable!

We have also received an awesome level of support from the Phoenix Metro Police Department.  From the moment Davey was shot until today, we have received a constant, amazing amount of love and help from our Blue Family.  Thank you!

We have also received great support as we have started the David Glasser Foundation.  Individuals and companies have been very generous with their time and resources.  These people are not out on the streets creating mayhem by demonstrating against anything.  They are using their hands and their hearts and their resources to make a positive difference in our city.

All of us have a role in making sure we have a safe and free city to live in.  First, we need to follow the laws ourselves and next, we need to support those who work hard every day to enforce the law and protect our rights.  Together, we can make our country a better place to live and to raise our children and grandchildren.

Thank you to all of our Freedom Fighters in Blue and to those who support them.

Love you!

#8144loveyou

for the long haul.

And – believe me – I never understood how long the long haul was before my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer was killed in the line of duty last year.

The long haul is not just long.  It’s hard.  It’s really painful.  It can be confusing.  It can feel like punishment for something – not sure what.  It can feel lonely…and endless…..and just not worth it.

But feelings change with the moment.  Feelings fluctuate in a second.  If I let my feelings guide me, one moment I’m down, what’s the use of all of this and then the next moment I’m smiling because I thinking of my family and the new little granddaughter I’ll get to meet in February.  Emotional roller-coasters are no fun so I’m sticking to the facts.  And the facts are that God’s got this and I’m committed to this journey for the long haul.

But it’s not easy.

My husband and I recently visited the Jack Daniel’s Distillery in Lynchburg, Tennessee.  I was amazed at their process – they have only about 5% waste.  They have set themselves up so they can keep going just like they are for hundreds of more years.  They recycle the water they use, they sell the mash to farmers who feed it to their very happy cows and pigs, they sell the used barrels to vineyards and the public, they make their own charcoal to filter the alcohol and then they turn the used charcoal into Bbq chips we can buy for our grilling,  They are solid.  They are ‘sustainable’ which is a new buzz word for a process that is going to make it for the long haul.

They have set themselves up to be successful for a very long time.

What about me and you?  Can we say the same thing?  It’s important to ask ourselves some tough questions once in awhile to make sure we’re going to a place where we want to go.

Are the things I’m spending most of my time on worth it – for the long haul? Is the pace of my life at a rate where I can keep it up for a long time?  Are my relationships and priorities right so I will have no regrets when I take my last breath?  Am I strong enough in my beliefs and values that I’ll be able to weather the storms that are coming my way?  Or will I get tossed around, lose my way and get stuck on the rocks?

I have met quite a few people this last 1 1/2 years that are stuck in bitterness and anger and regrets because of tragedies that have happened in their lives.  They are letting the tragedy poison the rest of their lives and they are on the road to a very lonely and sad place because they are becoming people no one else wants to be around.

My son died while serving and protecting our community.  I get to choose to honor his sacrifice by making however long I have left on this earth add to the amount of love and good in the world.  I can make a difference – over this very long haul.

Each one of us gets to choose.

What are you choosing?

#8144loveyou

 

 

Today would have been David Glasser’s 36th birthday.  He was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 19, 2016.

In our minds and memories, he will forever be 34 years-old.

Davey loved his birthday.  We had a party every year and he really enjoyed getting presents – no matter what the gift was.  Here’s a picture from about 12 years ago when his birthday fell on the same day as a Cardinals home game and his party was a tailgating party.  This was just the beginning of his growing passion for tailgating.  He had to be wherever the party was!

If he were alive, he would be preparing for the ASU vs UofA football game next Saturday.  He hosted several Gameday BBQs and seriously loved to trash talk any UofA Alumni who came – one of whom is his only sister.  Yes, we are a house divided.  And we’re divided very unevenly because all of us graduated from ASU except my daughter.  If you ever sat near Davey at a Cardinal’s football game and someone with the opposing team’s jersey or hat walked up the stairs, you know the razzing that Davey could deal out.  It was one of his specialties.

Davey would also be getting ready for his squad’s annual Christmas party which he hosted several times in his house.  He loved to have everyone over, play some poker, eat a lot of food and make great memories.  There were stories of the squad taking turns racing Davey’s riding lawn mower around on his huge back yard .  I wasn’t there – I just heard the stories.

So today we watched the Cardinals game with Davey.  His super-tailgating buddies set up the TV and food close to Davey’s spot in the cemetary and the party started.  The air was filled with the joy of being together and sharing great memories touched with grief because of the big hole Davey’s death has left in all of our lives.

Davey would have loved it!  He would have been wearing his Cardinals hat, making sure he talked to everyone and never running out of things to make fun of.  He would really appreciate the effort of turning a potentially sad day into a good time with family and friends.

After the game was over, we all sent balloons with messages from us up,

up,

up,

up into the sky……

until we couldn’t see them anymore.

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Davey.

We love you.  We miss you.

#8144loveyou

#fallenbutnotforgotten

He was going to retire from the Phoenix Police Force after 20 years, get his teaching certificate and coach basketball while teaching at the high school level.

David Glasser, my son who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016, would have been a great teacher.

And he would have been an even better coach.  He not only loved sports – he understood the complexities and reality of playing them.

But – none of it is going to happen.  This is one of the most painful parts of the tragedy of his death – all of these dreams have been snatched away.  Lots of plans and fun and awesome experiences – which we’re not going to have.

This is definitely a hot button of grief in my life.  His plans.  He was going to continue to work and give and sacrifice for the good of our community.  Davey would have positively touched hundreds of kids and their families’ lives in high school with his unique combination of fun, integrity and faith.  The stories and the accomplishments would have filled several books.

I think this is one of the places that hurts the worst when your child dies – all of the things that were going to happen and should have happened, just aren’t going to happen.  All the potential.  All the possibilities.  Gone.

For me, this part has been much more difficult than with other deaths I have experienced.  I was very close to my mother and I miss her a lot.  When she passed away at 84 years-old, she had lived a full and faithful life.  She assured us she was ready to go ‘home’.

So very different.

This is much harder.

The hole doesn’t go away.

The lost dreams come back to haunt me.  They remind me of who is missing in my life.

One of the ways we are reclaiming some of those lost plans is through the David Glasser Foundation.  We are continuing the work which Davey started.

We broke ground on the David Glasser Athletic Complex in Laveen, Arizona last week.  There are already 2 functioning baseball fields at this location and now a football/soccer field is being added.  Thank you to the Laveen Elementary School District for honoring Davey this way!

He would love it! Davey’s grandfather passed away 2 weeks before Davey died and he has a baseball field in Pennsylvania named after him.  Davey was very proud of this and he visited the field every time he could making sure his son got to see it, too.

So breaking ground on the athletic complex comes with a good feeling of moving forward in reviving some of the dreams Davey had:

• dreams of kids learning perseverance, respect, accountability, teamwork and responsibility through sports which can prepare them to become positive adult contributors to their community.
• dreams of kids being coached well, giving them a good role model so they can identify the ‘good guys’ and want to be a part of the solution in our culture.

Breaking ground.  It’s a good term.  Once the ground is broken, there is no putting it back exactly like it was.  Broken ground becomes something else.   And this broken ground is going to become the David Glasser Athletic Complex filled with lots of potential and possibilities.

New dreams fulfilling old dreams.

A new plan has begun.

#8144loveyou

If you have had a child die, you know that it is one of the worst things that can happen to you.   For some of us it is definitely THE worst thing that could ever happen to us.

After years of working at facing my fears, I realized many years ago that the only fear I had left was that something bad would happen to one of my children.  A couple of years after that realization, my daughter was diagnosed with cancer.  It changed her life but it was caught early and there have been no more signs of cancer.

I thought that was enough.  That was my fear coming true and it was a tough time.

I didn’t know a tsunami that far exceeded anything I was afraid of was building up steam and heading my way.  It hit on May 18, 2016 when my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty as he was responding to a robbery call.  The waves of grief and anger and pain roared over my life – foaming, surging and destroying.  They violently ripped away any expectations I had for today and totally decimated my dreams for tomorrow.

The waves roared all night and grew stronger in the darkness.

But they were most painful in the daylight when I could see the desolation they had left.

The holes.

The emptiness.

The loss.

My two small fatherless grandchildren.

This storm left my ‘stuff’ but took my son.   And I would give everything I own for one more hour with Davey.

To see his smile.

Hear his laughter.  And his jokes.

And one more ‘love you’.

Surviving the worst has taken away all of my fears.  Because fearing that something bad would happen did not change the facts about the bad things that happened to my children.

Fear is useless.

Fear does nothing but stop us from doing things we should do.

Fear keeps us on the defensive.  It keeps us cowering in the corner.

My prayer for all of us who have experienced the worst is that we will find courage in knowing we have survived.  I pray that we will act on  that courage because we survived for a purpose.  And I pray that we will set aside our useless fears so we can make the time we have left on this planet count.  Because our time is short – often much shorter than we know.

Davey would be extremely proud of Kristen, my daughter-in-law, for starting the David Glasser Foundation in order to continue his fight against hate and ignorance and violence.  This takes courage.

He would love the reality of all of us working together to push back the darkness – one step at a time.  We are not sitting in the corner, afraid that something else bad is going to happen.  It probably will – our fears will not stop it.  But our actions might.

With courage and conviction, we are moving forward, continuing Davey’s battle and making it our own.

The challenge I give everyone today is to figure out how to be a part of the fight for what’s right.  You are welcome to join with us at the David Glasser Foundation or find your own battle.  There is much work to be done to reestablish honor, respect, and love in our country.

May God give all of us the courage we need to help make that happen.

#8144loveyou

#fallenbutnotforgotten

I’m meeting new people –

who don’t know about the tragedy that blew my life apart 17 months ago when my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty.

My husband and I have just moved into a new community an hour away from our old home.  And we’re starting to get to know our neighbors –

who don’t know.

So I am having regular ‘getting to know you’ conversations and people just don’t realize the landmine they are stepping on when they ask me if I have any children.

Yes, I want people to know me and I want them to know about Davey and his death.  It’s just a very tough thing to bring up in the middle of a conversation with someone I barely know.

Depending on the emotions rolling through my heart that day, talking about Davey can start the tears rolling down my face.  That’s a real conversation stopper.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to talk about Davey and all the great things about him.  But some times on some days, there are very strong emotions tied to this subject.   When emotions make the situation feel awkward, I change the subject as soon as I can and talk about my daughter and son-in-law who are having their first child in February.  Babies always bring smiles.

This experience has taught me a couple of things about ‘getting to know you conversations’.  They are not as superficial as they seem.  Most people have various bruised and tender spots in their lives that can be difficult to talk about.  We can’t avoid the landmines because they are often a central part of a person’s life and it needs to be included in who we are.  So we share the hurt and we share the emotion and we share the awkwardness.

And – in the end – we know each other a little better.

That’s a good thing.

#8144loveyou