A roller coaster ride.

Up one day –

down the next.

Feeling good one hour –

ready to go sit in a dark closet the next.

A smile on my face one minute –

and tears running down it the next.

So many memorials – all bittersweet.

It’s awesome to remember and honor Davey together with our Blue family.

But it also points a finger at the huge, gaping hole in our lives…

the hole we are trying to figure out how to live with.  The hole that will never be filled this side of heaven.

I don’t need any help remembering that hole.

And the roller coaster ride continues.

Such fun!  My grandson and Kristen got to fly up to the Grand Canyon in a helicopter with David Johnson to announce a Cardinals draft pick!

But – there was a tall person with a huge smile wearing his favorite Cardinals jersey missing in all of the pictures.

The Police Motorcycles were very impressive at the State Memorial – all lined up with their flashing lights and then roaring through the crowd at the beginning of the ceremony.

But – there was a voice missing in the crowd.  Davey would have had several clever remarks about the ‘Las Vegas family’ showing up which would have had all of us chuckling – all the while making sure we knew how proud he was of his brothers and sisters in Blue.

A large number of our extended family ran in the ‘Glasser Group’ at Pat’s Run.  Such a great cause!  Many of them also ran with my grandson in the kid’s run.

Because someone very important was missing.  Davey ran next to his son last year.

I was ‘strolling’ my granddaughter through the huge crowd at Pat’s Run, trying to find the ‘Glasser Group’.  I realized I was looking over the crowd because I could always find Davey – his head popped up out of every crowd.

But I couldn’t find him….

My grandson was called up on the mound at his baseball game to pitch.  That was an exciting moment – especially when his team has kids that are 2 years older on it.

And then my heart remembered another boy who loved to play baseball and he loved to pitch.  He really liked being in the middle of every play and he didn’t mind the pressure.  Davey chose basketball over baseball as he got older even though he was a very good baseball player.

We are getting ready to jump on a plane heading to Washington, DC. for Police Week.  Our immediate family has taken lots of trips together – all over the United States as well as London, Spain and Italy.  Davey loved to travel.  When he was 12 years-old, we were going to Hawaii for 2 weeks and he was jumping around the house the day before, asking if we could leave now.  I told him he was going to have to wait.  He said, “What if I just can’t wait?”  I smiled so he knew the answer and started jumping around some more.

Those of you who loved the Cardinals with Davey saw a glimpse of this 12 year-old boy on ‘Man Christmas’ – opening day of the NFL – and whenever you tailgated with him and sat by him at the games.

My grandson now carries on this legacy of jumping and dancing in a frenzy of anticipation when exciting things are going to happen.

That makes me happy…..and sad.

The roller coaster ride.

I know many of you are riding the ups and downs right beside us.  Thank you.  Love you!

We better strap in – it’s going to be a long ride.

#8144loveyou

#fallenbutnotforgotten

It’s been almost a year.

An extremely long year.

Some days felt like weeks….

there were months that felt like a year….

There was excruciating pain on Father’s Day as I tried to smile at my fatherless grand darlings.

I was reminded of a multitude of lost dreams on Davey’s birthday.

It was so hard to be thankful on Thanksgiving.

And….Christmas.  One of the very real things I learned this year is how glad I am that this is not my real home.  My real home doesn’t feel like this.

Now we are preparing to fly to Washington, DC for Police Week.

What is Police Week?

May 15 was proclaimed to be National Peace Officers Memorial Day by President Kennedy in 1962.  Whatever week May 15 falls in is National Police Week and this week has been set aside by Congress to pay special recognition to law enforcement officers who have lost their lives in the line of duty.

All of the names of the fallen officers are engraved onto the National Law Enforcement Memorial in Washington, DC.  This memorial now bears the names of 21,183 fallen heros.  This year 394 names will be added – 143 officers names from 2016 and 251 other officers who were killed earlier and are now being recognized.

143 names of officers who were killed in the line of duty last year.

143 families, friends and squads are coming who all just went through what my extended family went through – what we’re still going through.  Most of the others will be experiencing grief and shock and loss and emptiness that is even more new and more fresh than ours.

It’s a time for all of us to join together in honoring and recognizing the sacrifice of our fallen officers.   I am also told it’s a time of sharing and healing for those of us who are still here.

I’m counting on that – its been a very long year and this could be a very long trip.

Because of the support from our Phoenix Community and COPS and Southwest Airlines, a crowd of family, friends, squad members and wives are going.  I’ve heard from some of you – our Blue Family – that you are also coming.  That is awesome!

And I know there are many of you who would love to come but just can’t make that long, expensive trip.

The good news is that there are ways that you can participate and there are ways you can still honor Davey and any other Fallen Officer.

I’ll be posting that information on the Dave Glasser “Love You’ Campaign Facebook page soon.  If you’re not a member of that group, just ask to join and then you’ll get hooked in to all the information.

I know there is a large group of you who pray for us regularly.  Thank you- the prayers are helping.  God is our Rock as we make our way through this storm.

Please keep it up.  We need all the prayers we can get as we make this journey to Washington, DC.

I asked.

I begged.

I have never shared this with anyone before.  The night after Davey was shot I went down to the hospital chapel all by myself.  I walked up to the altar and laid facedown on the cold tile.   And I begged God for a miracle.

It was becoming increasingly obvious that Davey needed a miracle in order to stay alive.

So I begged.  I have no idea how long I laid there, pleading with God.

At this same time, my husband, Dave, was walking up and down the crowded hallway outside of Davey’s hospital room, asking everyone to pray for a miracle.

There were also three waiting rooms downstairs filled with people – many of them praying with us, asking for a miracle.

Every hospital hallway I walked down was filled with people – most of them praying with us, asking for a miracle.

In my mind, I see a huge hand reaching up out of the roof of the hospital, stretching up to heaven, asking our God who holds life and death in his hands to reach down and touch Davey.

We asked.

We begged.

Hours later we received our answer.

And the answer was no.

No more smiles and jokes from Davey.

No more fun and games with Davey.

No to watching my grandchildren grow up with their father’s arms around them.

No to watching Davey and Kristen grow old together.

So many no’s.

–

There’s a reason why we all listened to Hilary Scott sing “Thy Will” at Davey’s funeral.  Because we asked for a miracle for Davey and God said no.  He has a different plan than we do.

Every day I am reminded that God has a very different plan than mine.  Standing on the rock of God’s love and trusting that he has many great tomorrows waiting for me, I move forward……

– not knowing where this is going.

– not happy about the reality that I now live in.

– not understanding why you and I have to travel this path.

We go on, taking our broken hearts with us.  We listen and watch as God reveals his plan, one step at a time.

And we are gradually identifying some of those steps.  One of them is the David Glasser Foundation which started off with a bang last weekend partnering with PLEA in a fantastic golf tournament.   There were thousands of smiles and hundreds of hugs – a lot of love.  Davey’s foundation is all about spreading that love around in a very practical and tangible way to people who need to understand that our Police Officers are the good guys – they are part of the solution, not the problem.  The vision is to close the divide and build relationships between our community and law enforcement officers.

The foundation is going to create non-policing opportunities for our Blue Family to show how much we care about our communities and our city.  We all know we care – otherwise why would Police Officers do what they do?  Why would our blue families and friends support and sacrifice if we didn’t care?

We’re all going to have more opportunities to show our love in fun and important ways through the David Glasser foundation.

There is a lot of fun and love on the way………

Is that our miracle?

So much grief.

So many tears.

140 Police Officers were killed in the line of duty last year.

Multiply that number by the number of wives, children, moms, dads, sisters, brothers, friends, squad members and extended Blue Family members.

The number becomes huge.

And that was just for 2016.

So, multiply that number by –

2015 – 123 deaths.

2014 – 122 deaths.

2013 – 109 deaths.

2012 – 131 deaths.

2011 – 171 deaths.

2010 – 161 deaths…… and it continues.

As I researched these numbers, I found that they fluctuate depending on who is counting and some deaths are evaluated as ‘in the line of duty’ significantly after the fact so the numbers for each year change.  The fact remains – there are a lot.

So many officers killed.

So many people affected.

So much grief.

So many tears.

We saw the Fallen documentary this past Friday night and it reminded me of the first couple of weeks after Davey was killed.

The initial shock.

The mountain of pain.

The fog of grief.

Waking up every day hoping it wasn’t true.

It took a while for me to understand how many people were affected by Davey’s death.

At first, I didn’t realize that the whole Blue family grieves when one of their brothers or sisters is killed.  But experiencing the waves of grief that were rolling over the ocean of over 5000 Blue Family members at Davey’s funeral opened my eyes.  And we’ve continued to feel the love and care and support of our Blue Family throughout these last 11 months.  Thank you.

I also didn’t understand at first that there is a large part of the general public who also grieves when an officer is killed in the line of duty.

 There are a lot of people in our community who get it.

They understand that police officers put their lives on the line every day for people they don’t even know.  These people understand that police officers are taking bullets that are meant for the innocent – for them and their families.  This crowd knows that police officers are helping them live freely and safely in their neighborhoods.

We tend to forget about this large group of people because they aren’t rioting in the streets.  They aren’t looting and shooting and screaming profanities.

These people were lining the streets as Davey’s casket was escorted by our Blue Family from the church to the cemetery.  These were the people who were filling each overpass on the freeway, holding up flags and signs of love and encouragement.  People from this group were stopped all over the freeway and the sides of the freeway to show their respect for a fallen hero.

Some of these people were saluting as Davey’s limo went by – honoring Davey because they personally knew what it meant to put your life on the line for your country and community.

So many people.

So much grief.

So many tears.

The bullets that were shot on May 18th, 2016 created waves out into our city and across the nation.  Another hero has fallen.

The Fallen documentary ends with this phrase –

We Go On.

It’s a good phrase.

Because that’s what we’re doing …

Picking up the pieces.

Figuring out how to live with this hole in our hearts.

Forging a different future.

We Go On.

 

#8144loveyou

#fallenbutnotforgotten

 

left behind.

I visit Davey’s spot in the cemetery every week to clean it and make sure it looks good.

And to pray.  I pray for our family, our extended ‘family’ which includes his squad and I pray for the families of the other fallen officers.

The list of things that I’ve done that I thought I would never have to do has grown very long since May 19,2016.  I recently added one more thing to that list when I bought the plot to the left of Davey’s for my husband and I.  Now that Davey has a spot, it feels right to have a spot next to him for our cremated remains, too.

We’re going to be planting a tree in the next few months in that area as well.  We had already planned this before I saw the movie, “The Shack”.  Have you seen it?  Now I know why I wanted a tree.

Spoiler alert – they planted the seed of a tree on top of his daughter’s grave.  When they watered it with the father’s tears, it miraculously immediately grew into a big, beautiful, green tree.

Awesome!  Life!  In a place where we remember those who have died.

If our tree doesn’t grow as fast as the one in the movie, it won’t be from the lack of tears.

Looking around the cemetery, I am reminded of all the people I love who are already in heaven.

I really miss my mom.  She was so much fun and such an amazing Christian woman!  My father was a good man who died when I was 21 years-old so I never got to know him as an adult.  I guess I’ll have lots of time for that in heaven.  My stepfather was also a good man who married my mother on her 70th birthday.  He was a fantastic grandfather to my children.   My oldest brother was 13 years older than me and went to heaven a couple of years ago.  He was the one who walked me down the aisle.

Fortunately, I have a strong, Christian background so my grandparents are all in heaven along with a large number of my aunts, uncles and cousins.

And now my son.

He is there.  And there are times when I have a strong feeling of being left behind.  Don’t worry.  There’s no need to call a hotline 🙂  I’ll be here until God decides differently.

But there are days when I am homesick.  Home is where my Father God is.  Home – where there are no diseases and trials.  No grief.  No pain.  Home – the number of people I love who are already home is growing.

It is our home because Jesus redeemed our lives.  He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.

He is the Way to heaven.

He is the Truth here on earth.

And the Life he gives us doesn’t end here.

If you haven’t made the choice to trust in Jesus, there is no better time than now.  Tomorrow may be too late.

Davey and I would really like for you to join us someday in heaven…

Davey is already there.

 

#8144loveyou

My beautiful little granddaughter turned 3 years-old this week.  She is an intelligent, strong-willed little girl whose life is packed full of potential.  She knows what she wants and she is going to be dynamite when she figures out how to channel all of the willpower in the right direction.

How do I know that?  I’ve got a strong will of my own – that’s no secret to those of you who know me.  My daughter also has this strength so I have experienced first-hand the joys and the challenges of parenting a strong-willed child.  The challenges turn into joys when the child figures how to focus all of that powerful energy into positive things like learning and achieving.  Until then, each smile is a gift. 🙂

My constant prayer for my grandchildren is that God will orchestrate good things in their lives through the tragic death of their father.  I am holding onto this promise from God with both hands.  I have no idea how this will happen – I’m just going to trust his love for them and his love for all us while I continue to pray.

My own father died suddenly from a massive heart attack when I was 21 years-old.  He missed a major part of my life.  He never met my husband.  He wasn’t there to walk me down the aisle.  He never had the chance to hold my children.    I have always thought that I was too young to lose my father.

But now I know what too young really is.  Edie’s only memories of Davey will be pictures and our memories – that’s the way she will know her father.  

But Davey’s DNA is permanently weaved through her personality and we will be able to catch glimpses of him as she grows up even though she didn’t get to spend much time with him.  His fingerprints are on her life and we will see the characteristics she shares with her dad develop as she grows into a young woman.

Davey’s legacy of strength, fun, integrity, love and faith along with much, much more lives in both of his children.

What a precious gift to them ….. and to us.

#8144loveyou

 

 

I am not promised tomorrow.  I might not be here.

People I care about may not be here.  Last year etched this fact in my brain and in my heart.  I hope it’s etched in your brain and heart, too.

I have to make today count.  The best of intentions are really pretty worthless – they are just a waste of time unless I’m going to act on them.

Davey has been described several times as being ‘larger than life’.  I love that!  It means he made the most of his time – loving people, planning fun times and following through on them.  He was also serious about his work and gave his full effort to being great at doing something he loved.  

Davey did more and loved more in 34 years than some people do in a lifetime.

That’s a great statement about Davey but a sad statement about how other people fail to really live their lives.

One a scale of 1 to 10, how are you doing on the ‘larger than life’ scale?

If you don’t like your rating, there is no time better than today to start changing it.

I am currently cruising to Aruba, the Panama Canal and a couple of other of my ‘bucket list’ locations.  I can’t help thinking back to last year when Davey and Kristen went on a Caribbean cruise with his squad.  A lot of people would have decided not to go because they would be leaving their 2 small children for a week.  Not Davey and Kristen.  They knew their time together and with friends was important and they also knew the kids were fine with Papa and Mimi. (that’s us).

My husband and I had an awesome week having fun with the ‘littles’.  It had been 30 years since our kids were that small so our energy level was a lot different but they went to bed early, so we made it!  We skyped with the ‘Cruisers’ every night and no one had a meltdown – even mom 🙂

None of us could possibly know how precious that week would become.  Sooooo glad they went!  So much fun!  So many unforgettable memories!

Such a great lesson about making each week count.  Let’s not put off the fun stuff and the great memory stuff – let’s do it today.  The person we want to do it with may not be here tomorrow.

#8144loveyou

 

 

I am very proud of all of the officers and civilians who received awards at the Phoenix Police Department’s Annual Awards Ceremony last week!  Congratulations, Blue Family!

Real Heros.

We heard all kinds of stories about men and women saving lives, putting themselves in grave danger to protect the innocent and many suffering personal injury in order to save others from injury.

Courage

Honor

Sacrifice

Chaplain Bob Fesmire received the COPS Volunteer Excellence Award!  Congratulations, Bob!  You are such a great man of God doing an awesome job! My family has been greatly blessed by you.  Love you!

Davey received 3 awards as well including the Medal of Honor.

Very bittersweet.

It’s awesome to see Davey honored and remembered.  It’s great being surrounded by our Blue family as the account of his sacrifice is shared with all us.

But he’s not here.

He’ll never be here again.

That’s still hard to fathom.  I still don’t want to believe it.

As I move forward from May 18, 2016, it can often feel like I’m on a foggy road.  On that day, I took a quick left turn into darkness where the fog was very heavy and it was hard to see my next step.

Gradually, there have been more days where the fog lifts and the sun peaks out around the clouds.  It’s a good day……until somthing happens and the fog lowers again.

God talks to Joshua – and to me and to you – in Deuteronomy 31 –

Be strong.  Be courageous.

Do not be afraid.

God is with me.  He is also with you if you believe.

God will never leave us.

It’s a command and a promise.   Holding onto that promise helps me step out into the fog and it helps me enjoy the sunshine when it comes.  Knowing that God is with me helps me be confident that there are good things ahead.

New dreams.

New opportunities.

Making new memories.

And we will figure out how to do all of this without forgetting the sunshine of the past.

The sunshine that was Davey.

We are so blessed to have a large group of family and friends and, of course, our blue family who love us and are taking this journey with us.  Together, we are navigating the uncertainties of this dark road.  We are facing the fog and moving forward into the sunshine together.

It’s exactly what Davey would want us to do.

#8144loveyou

#fallenbutneverforgotten

 

“Something is going on.”

“I’m not sure where this is going to end up, but let me tell you what’s happening.”

“Things just seem to be falling into place…”

Every week, at least one of you tells me about a piece of the plan that is taking shape in your life.  You know who you are 🙂

Most of us don’t know about the others.  Each of us thinks this unusual thing is just happening to us.

It’s not.

I am feeling the shaking…

I can see the mountain shifting…  being reshaped….altered.

There’s a plan –

His plan.

First, God is shaping the pieces.

And then he is slowly…………… gradually…………….fitting them into place.

It all makes sense to him.

It seems like a long, foggy journey into the unknown to me.  Does it feel like that to you?

That’s why we need each other.  Together, we are going to accomplish what God has planned.  He is bringing good out of the evil that happened on May 18, 2016.

There are a lot of pieces – none of us know how many.  Do you have a piece?

It’s going to take teamwork.  I love these pictures of Davey and his team last year when they did the Tough Mudder.   It was long, it was hard, and there was pain.  Sounds kind of like the journey we’re on now, doesn’t it?

But they persevered.  They worked together.  And they successfully finished the race.

And that’s what we’re going to do.  Together.

There’s a purpose.

There’s a plan.

God is busy moving mountains.

 

 

It was going to be a fantastic day!

Davey and Kristen were expecting their first child – a son.  I will never forget Davey’s text early in the morning saying they were going to the hospital.  It was two weeks early but it was going to happen today!  I had wanted to be a grandmother for a long time and now it was happening!

I checked in with him several times that morning to hear the progress.  I was kidding myself that I could actually get any work done so, when Davey texted me asking me to pick up a newborn ASU outfit, I was ready to leave.  I  weaved my way through the city, stopping at a couple of stores until I found what I was looking for.  I received a call from Davey while I was in line to pay for the ASU onesie.

“Mom, I can’t talk.  The doctor is going to do an emergency C-section in just a minute.  Things aren’t going well.  Start praying.”

And he hung up.

My heart flipped over and I prayed all the way to hospital.  I ran into the hospital and found Davey already in the nursery with Micah.

His tiny, new son was holding onto one of Davey’s trembling fingers.  He told me they were still working with Kristen in recovery but everything was going to be alright.  I was shocked when I looked into Davey’s eyes and saw them filled with raw, unfiltered fear.

It was very evident that he had just been through hell and back.  Everyone was fine.  But Davey would never be the same.

Later, he journalled some of his thoughts and emotions during that terrifying time in the delivery room and he shared them with some of us.  The very real possibility of losing both his wife and his son at the same time shook him to the core of who he was.

As a Police Officer, he regularly faced the possibility of something happening to him personnally.  He recognized and accepted the danger.  But he had never come face to face with the imminent possibility of losing the two most important people in his life.

Whenever something earth-shaking like this happens in our lives, we are changed.  And we have a choice in that change.  We decide how we’re going to respond.

Davey responded by opening up his heart even more to the people around him.  His understanding of how short our time is here on earth was in sharp focus.  He experienced the reality that the people he loved the most could be gone in an instant.

So he chose to love.  He chose to speak his love and show his love more often to people.  This included people he didn’t know – yet.

You might be one of those people who he reached out to in love and drew you into his circle of fun and friendship.  I’d really love to hear your stories.

A tragedy took Davey away from us last year.

And the question remains for each one of us – how am I choosing to respond?

Am I becoming more loving?  More accepting?

How would the people in my life describe my response?

It’s extremely important for all of us to figure this out.  Because it’s not a matter of ‘if’ something bad is going to happen to us again.  It’s only a matter of ‘when’.

That’s reality.

We all have more than just one dark hour and – each time- we get a chance to choose our response.

Davey chose to love.

#8144loveyou