I’m standing here …..

surrounded by the rubble of my dreams.

They were my dreams for the future of my son, David Glasser, who was a Phoenix Police Officer killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.

There are times when the piles of my broken hopes and plans overwhelm me.  So many good times with him snatched from my life.  So much happiness and so many smiles that will never be.

He planned to retire from the Police force and get his teaching certificate.  He wanted to teach in high school and coach high school basketball.  He would have been an awesome teacher and an even greater coach.  I witnessed some of his potential when Micah, his son, got old enough to start playing in various sports leagues.  Davey was always beside him during water breaks, giving him tips and encouraging him.

So much has been lost.

Davey was always the responsible oldest child.   He cared for his father and I – making sure we were doing well and gor any healp we needed.   A couple of months before he was killed, my husband and I had rented an RV for a week and then drove it from Denver down to Phoenix.  Davey was not happy when he found out we had gotten back and we hadn’t let him know we were safely home.  He took his responsibilities seriously.

A couple of months before that I was driving my car with a donut (spare tire) because I had a flat tire and hadn’t had time to get it fixed.  He refused to let me drive my car to work on the freeway because donuts were not made to go that fast.  It’s not safe.  He insisted that we switch cars and he got my tire fixed for me while I went to work.

He was supposed to be here beside his dad and I as we move into the fall of our lives.  He was supposed to grow old with Kristen.  They were married very young so they could have easily celebrate 65 or 70  years of marriage.  He was supposed to coach Micah and Eden’s teams and proudly watch them graduate from high school.  Then he was planning to happily watch them graduate from ASU (if he got his way).  Sharing the joy of weddings and his grandchildren with him – it’s all gone.

Only the rubble of the dreams is left.

I’m standing here because I’m not sitting. I’m not staying in the rubble.

I’m still here because God has a purpose for me.  I’m not done yet.  So I’ll keep moving forward, going where God leads me until he calls me home –  where there are no tears, no grief, no rubble.

MIss you Davey.

#8144loveyou

May 18, 2016.

David Glasser, my son, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty on that day.

And everything in my world shook.

You cannot imagine what that feels like until it happens to you.  Because it wasn’t just my life – the tsunami of his death hit everyone who was close to Davey.

My two grandchildren’s world exploded.  My daughter-in-law’s world crashed.

My husband’s world shattered into tiny pieces.  Davey was his best friend and my husband’s father had just passed away 2 weeks before Davey was killed.  Too much.

My daughter’s world tilted sideways as all of her dreams and plans with her big brother crumbled.

Davey’s close friend’s and squad member’s worlds spiraled in various directions as each person felt the blow of Davey’s death.

The world shook.  It twisted.  It filled with unimaginable grief.  It emptied of joy and light.

I needed something solid to hold onto while everything around me smashed and rocked.  And I found the one thing that didn’t shatter, didn’t tilt, didn’t explode.  He was right beside me and he was Rock Solid – my Father God.  Always there, always loving us, always caring for us.

God has been with us every step of the way as we have each had to pick our way through the devastation Davey’s death had on our lives.  I am completely convinced that God is good and nothing that has happened to me changes that.

When my world stopped shaking, I realized it was in this new place, a new reality.  My head recognizes this place and knows I have to keep moving forward.  My heart is still regularly tugged back to a time when Davey was here, making me laugh and filling my life with his special kind of love.

Before my whole world shook.

Miss you, Davey.

#8144loveyou

The answer is yes.

When I am asked if other law enforcement officers being killed in the line of duty brings it all back, the answer is always yes.  It brings back the horrible shock and loss of May 18, 2016 when my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty.

The recent line of duty death of State Trooper Tyler Edenhofer has been hard.  He was so young with so much ahead of him.  Such a tragedy.  He was killed very close to my old neighborhood here in Phoenix but, truthfully, all of our neighborhoods are at risk.  We need our Thin Blue Line.

I can’t stop thinking and praying for Trooper Edenhofer’s family and friends.  My broken heart hurts for the pain they are experiencing and the struggles yet to come.  I know they are waking up each morning hoping it was all just an extremely bad nightmare…….

and then letting the tears flow as they realize it wasn’t.  Their world has shattered…..

and it will never be the same.

I have these feelings every time I hear of another officer being killed.  Every time.

Too many people don’t understand that each death of a Law Enforcement Officer is a tragedy for all of us.  These are the good guys and they are getting gunned down in the streets.  These are the courageous people who are standing in a thin blue line between all of us and evil.  They are standing between you and the bad guys in your neighborhood, in your city.  They put themselves in harm’s way each day for us.

When good guys lose, we all lose.

And we have all lost another hero.  A man who was dedicated to making a positive difference in our community.  A man willing to stand up against what is wrong and help make it right.

Those of us left behind will remember and honor Trooper Edenhofer for his bravery and sacrifice.  Facebook is full of posts letting us know how each of us can personally show our support for him and his family, for the officers who were injured in the same confrontation and for the Law Enforcement Officers who are still working hard each day to fight evil on our behalf.

Let’s all pick a way to show our appreciation and do it.

We need our Thin Blue Line.

Miss you, Davey.

#8144loveyou

It used to be that my only fear was that something bad would happen to one of my children.

And then the worst happened on May 18, 2016 when my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty.

When I was younger, I had a lot of fears – my parents dying, something bad happening to me, and more.  As I grew older, all of those things happened to me.  As God walked me through each experience, I found I wasn’t scared of it any longer.

I was left with just that one fear – something bad happening to one of my children.

Then my daughter was diagnosed with cancer.

But it was early and it was thyroid cancer which is usually contained.  Surgery was successful and I thought my worst fear had been faced.  I was good.  Nothing else was going to happen to my children.

I was obviously very wrong.

Being afraid of it didn’t keep it from happening.  I have found fear to be a waste of energy and time.  Nothing good is going to come from it.  Fear messes up our minds as it messes up our attitudes.  I believe fear comes directly from Satan – he loves to keep us down, keep us worried, scared of our own shadows.

Fear is not going to keep bad things from happening.

If you read my blogs regularly, you have heard this from me before – the question is not ‘if’ something bad is going to happen to you, it’s ‘when’.

I have realized that my thinking one bad experience for my children was going to keep them from another bad experience was wrong.  There will be more – for them, for me and for other people I love.

So I must prepare for tough things to happen without being scared of them.  How do I do that?

As you can imagine, I’ve read a lot of different ideas about this through these last 2 years.  I found that the most helpful words of advice came from God through his Word.  Asking for wisdom in my reaction to the tough stuff has worked.  Wisdom such as making sure my response to the negative is positive and helpful to me and to others has worked.  Building my perseverance through growing my relationship with God has worked.  Finding purpose in the pain has worked.  You’ll find all of this advice in James 1.

So I am no longer scared.  I am prepared.

Because fear does not keep bad things from happening.

Miss you, Davey.

#8144loveyou

I recently had the opportunity to be riding in the car with two of my grandchildren, Davey’s son and daughter, several times over the course of a couple of days.  I’m blessed anytime I’m with them but I was especially delighted to realized on this trip how often they talked about their dad.  Just about every time we got in the car, something about their dad would come up with no prompting from their mother or me.

How cool!

My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.  He left behind a wife, his two year-old daughter and a 5 year-old son.

His kids, Micah and Eden, are now two years older and talk about him a lot.

Right after Davey was killed, I found it very difficult to say anything about him.  The emotions were high and the pain was overwhelming.  It was much easier to be quiet than it was to open up the topic of Davey.

But it didn’t take me too long to realize that his children needed to talk about him.  They wanted to hear the stories and they wanted to remember the jokes.  Now I bring up different things about him as often as I can around them so they can continue to learn more about their awesome dad.

It brings joy to my heart when Eden looks up with a sneaky smile and says, ‘barking spiders’.  If you knew Davey, you probably know about ‘barking spiders’.

I have also realized that my Blue Family likes talking about Davey.  We had such good times with him and so many great memories that bring a smile to our faces.  Sharing our stories brings back the good feelings of being with him and having fun.   Now we realize how he drew us together and he taught us how to love each other better.

Talking about Davey and remembering together also helps the Police Officers in our blue family know that their sacrifices and committment count.  The battle they wage against the evil on the streets counts.  The extra effort they make to give our families a safe place to live counts.  The rest of us appreciate it and honor their courage.  It will be remembered.

They will be remembered.

Just as we remember Davey.

And his barking spiders.

Miss you, Davey.

#8144loveyou

I promised you pictures of our Love You Cruise 2018 Reunion dinner and here they are.

Such fun to be together again and talk about the great memories we made.

Miss you, Davey!

Love you!

Have you heard about the Love You Cruise 2018?  At the beginning of June, a bunch of us flew to Puerto Rico and then cruised to the Southern Caribbean.

Just a couple of months before he was killed in the line of duty, my son, David Glasser, who was a Phoenix Police Officer went on a Caribbean cruise with his wife, several of his squad members and their wives.  They had an awesome time!  And they have memories of sunny, fun days spent with Davey which can never be repeated.  I’m so glad they went for it!   They didn’t know at the time that it would be the last cruise Davey would ever take.

But Davey was a planner so he had already started to talk about the next cruise he wanted everyone to take with him.  That’s the cruise a bunch of our Blue Family and friends went on just last month.

And I’m learning, for me, the best way to honor and remember Davey is by having a good time celebrating who he was and what his life was about.  The solemn and official memorial ceremonies have their place and serve a great purpose but, for me, having fun together and loving each other is my favorite way of remembering Davey.

And I’m sure he would agree.  He left us a legacy of love – that was what was important to him.

Going on a cruise together gave us a lot of opportunities to share the fun and share the love.  We are talking about a Love You Cruise 2020 – hopefully some more of you will come!  We didn’t talk about Davey a lot, but he was there.  His picture was on our cabin doors, his smile joined our’s for every group picture and his glass was raised with our’s every time we toasted.  If there are shots in heaven, I’m sure he had his share of Buffalo Trace.

One of the best times of our cruise day was gathering for dinner each night at our big table in the dining room with our Love You Cruise Family.  We got used to spending some time reviewing our days with each other and recounting the laughs.  We compared sunburns and tried to figure out how many local beers we drank at the beach that day.  We helped each other decide which two entrees to order and how many desserts we were going to get.  There was no contest for me – I had one favorite dessert and our waiter started making sure they had one for me even when it wasn’t on the menu.  Chocolate, of course.

We celebrated Davey’s life together, honoring the fact that he taught us to be better at showing our love and telling each other ‘Love You’.

But then the cruise ended and everyone flew home with great and meaningful memories of a fun time.

We’ve really missed our Love You Cruise Family dinners since then so we’re having one tonight.  I”ll post some pictures.  We won’t be on a cruise ship but that’s not the important part.  The people are the important part, right?  And the love is the important part.  And the honoring and remembering is the important part.

Love you, Davey!  Thank you for how your life and love have blessed those of us who have been left behind.

I’ll admit it – I have trouble praying to God for safety.

I have prayed regularly for the safety of my children since the day they were born.  I doubled my prayers for safety when my son, David Glasser, became a Phoenix Police Officer.

Then, on May 18, 2016, Davey was killed in the line of duty.

God did not keep him safe.

What was the purpose of all of those prayers?

I am totally convinced that God is good.

I know that he loves me and has the best plans for me.

I realize that God’s perspective is completely different from mine and he is always right.

My head knows that God listens to my prayers and responds.  He often changes my attitude while I am praying.  He gives me insights and answers.  He gives me comfort and peace.

My head knows that this world is not a safe place.  I am not safe here.  You are not safe here.  Davey was not safe here.

My head understands that God protected Davey here on earth for 34 1/2 years.  I will never know all of the illnesses, incidents and accidents where God kept Davey safe during his years on earth.  I had heard about several very close calls where God protected him.

My head knows that now God has taken Davey home where he is truly safe.  It could be said that God answered my prayers.

But my heart doesn’t like that answer.

So I continue to struggle with asking God for safety.

#8144loveyou

When my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016, I had no idea how painful this journey was going to be.  This has been far more awful than any other loss I have experienced.

There are so many tough parts to this journey, its hard to describe.  I knew before this happened that each one of us experiences loss and grief differently – I didn’t realize how different a specific loss can be from the others.

This time, many of the things people have said to me regarding Davey’s death are not helpful because they simply don’t relate to what I’m experiencing.  Things like  – “Time heals all wounds,”, ” It will get easier”, “It will get better”, “It will hurt less and less.”  When anyone shares something like this with me, I realize that they obviously have not an experienced a loss like his.

I’m discovering that this journey it is not getting less painful.

I’m just getting used to it.

My broken heart is not ‘healing’.  Unpredictably, things will happen and it feels like a hot knife is digging into the bottom of my bleeding heart, twisting, blistering.

And I’m getting used to it.

My new reality is not ‘getting better’.  How could it?  Davey is not here – he hasn’t been here for over 2 years.

I’m just getting used to it.

It’s not ‘getting better’.  The hole Davey left in our lives is getting bigger.

And I’m gradually getting used to it.

I am also getting used to focusing on the 34 1/2 awesome years we had him with us.  Such a unique and fun person!  He was a special blessing our family had for too short of a time.

I am getting used to smiling through the tears as memories of God’s gift to us of a great little boy who grew into a special young man fill my mind.

I am getting used to being extremely thankful for the close relationship my husband, my daughter and I had with Davey throughout his life.  We were there for everything – all of his sports, all of his events, all the important moments.  We travelled the world with him – Hawaii, London, Spain, Italy, Alaska -and all over the United States – making great memories.  My husband and I lived 1 mile from him and his family the last 5 years of his life and we saw him almost every day.  We are very grateful for all of the time we got to spend with him those last precious years.

No regrets.

And I’m getting used to the clearer perspective I have on how short life is. How this is not my real home. How very important people are.

How love really is the answer.

Love has made this journey less painful.

Davey knew that.

#8144loveyou

One of my favorite things to do is share great memories of Davey with people who really knew him.  It feels good and I’m pretty amazed at what I hear sometimes.  I have learned some very precious things about him from other people.

David Glasser, my son, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty May 19, 2016.  Recently, a bunch of his squad members, friends and my husband and I spent some time at ‘Davey’s spot” in the Phoenix Memorial cemetery to remember him together on the second anniversary of his death.  As we shared stories, I learned something new about how much Davey cared for all of us.

A little background on this – Davey always took care of my husband and my cell phones.  He would tell us it was time to order new ones and then he would order them for us since we were all on the same plan.  When the new phones came in, he would transfer our data and then he would sell our old phones for the difference so we never paid anything for our new phones.  He would also make sure we kept the boxes and had good covers and cases for our new phones so that he could resell them for top dollar.  He was great at it and it was a big help to us.

Since Davey has been gone two years, just a month ago my husband and I decided it was time to figure out how to get a new phone for ourselves.  Yuck!  We really missed Davey handling all of this for us.  Luckily we’re retired because it took us about a week and a couple of trips to Verizon to get it all worked out.

So, on May 19th, when we were sharing great memories of Davey at his spot in the cemetery, imagine my amazement when I discovered for the first time that he did all of this for a bunch of the people in his squad.  He ordered phones, transferred data and then sold phones so it didn’t cost anything for a whole group of people!

What a unique but important way to show how much he cared for us!  It’s like he had his own little new cell phone service going on and I never knew it.  He must have realized what a pain it was for many of us and he liked doing it so he did it for all of us.

That is so like him!  He loved us and cared for us in any way he could, not making a big deal out of it.

Davey leaves behind a legacy of saying “love you” and backing that up with action.  Let’s all follow his lead.

Miss you, Davey!

#8144loveyou