It’s growing……

Your heart.

My heart.

If we’re taking this ‘love you’ idea seriously.  Remembering to say ‘Love you’.  Remembering to show love to other people.

It makes our hearts grow bigger.

It opens up our hearts in new ways to new people.

New understandings.  New opportunities to love.

Can you feel it?

I know my heart has a lot more blue in it now.  My family in Blue has helped my heart grow as they have shown so much love and care for my immediate family this last 8 months.  So many people, so many tears, so many hugs.  New family members who will never leave my heart.

As my heart grows, I also feel more compassion for people – especially people who have gone through a tragedy like our’s.  Every report of a fallen officer tugs at my heart as I think about their family and friends going through the dark days, roller coaster weeks and painful months that we’ve gone through.  That we’re still going through.

Add our blue tragedies to all of the bad things happening to other people right around us and the pain piles very high and very deep.  Our love needs to pile on even higher and deeper.

There are so many different ways of showing love.

It’s very obvious that many people in our culture today don’t realize how much love and care Police Officers show them everyday.  Davey told me several times that he didn’t want to spend his time catching regular citizens who made a simple mistake.  He wanted to get the mean and evil people off of the streets and into jail.  The monsters who murder the innocent.  The losers who sell drugs to make themselves a lot of money while creating more losers.  The evil ones whose only thoughts are for themselves and how to take from others.

My brothers and sisters who wear the blue uniform – you show your love every minute of every shift as you clean up the filth on our streets, helping to make them safer for the rest of us.  And you continue to show your love off duty with helping others and always being part of the solution.  That’s just how you are.

People who bleed blue show a very special love defined by service and honor.

We need more of that in our world.

Love you!

 

 

 

There are days I don’t want to be ‘here’.

So I go ‘there’.  But ‘there’ becomes ‘here’ and I don’t want to be ‘here’.

So I go somewhere else but, when I get there, that’s not where I want to be, either.

What’s going on?

Why do I have these periods of time when I just don’t want to be where ever I am?

And then I figured it out.

My heart is searching for Davey.  He’s not ‘here’, so maybe he’s ‘there’.

But he’s not ‘there’, either.

My heart has not completely adjusted to the reality of Davey’s death.  It’s still looking for him.  But it never finds him.

I recently had a conversation with my daughter, Katie, where we discovered that we both still see glimpses of Davey – in a crowd or in a car speeding by.  Is that him?

For a second, there he is!

Because we want to see him.

We want it to be him.

But we both know it’s not him.  The truth comes rushing in.  The reality that it can’t be him breaks our hearts again.  The reality that it will never be him again this side of heaven starts the tears flowing.

Our brains just have not completely adjusted to Davey’s death.  We’re still looking for him.

My heart and mind don’t want it to be true.

But – at some point –

they will adjust to reality and stop looking for him.

I know it will happen.  I can’t stop it.

I’m not looking forward to it.

I will lose another little part of him on that day.

 

Our son, David, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 19, 2016.

These last 8  months have been the most difficult and painful time of my life.

One of the ways God has comforted me is through this truth – ” A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.” Job 14:5.

God has already decided which day will be the last day of your life here on earth and mine.

Knowing this helped me let go of my mother when she passed away 11 years ago.  We had a very close relationship and she was my role-model for how a Christian woman lives her life faithful to God – all the way to her last breath here on earth.  I realized, if God wanted her in heaven with him, then that’s what I wanted for her.  She was an awesome grandmother to my children and these pictures of her with Davey bring back great memories.

Ten years ago I found myself in ICU with twelve blood clots in my lungs – a life-threatening situation.  God told me clearly that I wasn’t going to die then and I didn’t – even though 5 doctors told me the blood clots should have killed me.

It just wasn’t my day.

I know that God has reasons for picking May 19 as Davey’s final day here on earth. I may never understand those reasons but I trust God.  And, since God wants him in heaven, that’s what I want for him.

Knowing that this date was determined before Davey was born helps me avoid needless regrets…like –

• I wish he hadn’t gone on that call.
  • It wouldn’t have mattered.  This was his day.
• I wish he hadn’t gone to work that day.
  • It would have happened no matter what he was doing.
• I wish he hadn’t been a police officer.
  • He was born to be a police officer and he died honorably, serving his community and doing what he loved to do.  He wouldn’t have wanted to live or die any other way.

It was decided.  There is no ‘wishing’ something else had happened.  God decreed the number of Davey’s days here on earth and then he took Davey home.

Now, standing on a foundation of God’s love and strength and grace, the rest of us are left on the earth to figure out how to move forward.  We need to figure out why we’re still here – what is God’s purpose for keeping us here?  And then we need to do it….until the day arrives that is already decided for us.

Meanwhile, through the tears, we focus on loving God and loving each other.

A bigger chunk of my heart is now in heaven with you, Abba Father.

A bomb exploded in my life on May 18, 2016.

My plans were made.  I was on a course that had my son’s smile and laughter plastered all over it.

And then the bomb went off – sending me onto a whole new trajectory.  Onto a path I never wanted to be on.  My former plans don’t fit the journey I am on now.

I know I’m not alone.  There is a large group of us who were loving life with Davey when the bomb went off.

And now we find ourselves in this other world…..which is significantly darker….and has an obvious empty space,

Don’t tell me time heals all wounds.  This mother’s heart has a hole in it which will not be healed this side of heaven.

But….

here I am……

-changing my Christmas decorations and house decorations to blue because it’s my new favorite color and it reminds me of a life lived well that ended too soon.

-visiting his spot at the cemetery every week and watching it become gradually more permanent.  The bench with drawings on it from my grand darlings is a new and very special addition.

-retiring in 2 days after over 34 years with corporate Jack in the Box.  My retirement looks very different now from what I thought it was going to look like before May.

And here we are….

-planning a trip to Washington, DC for Police Week in May where Davey will be honored and memorialized.

-organizing a big golf tournament on April 15 which will benefit First Responders through PLEA and the Dave Glasser Foundation.

We’re on a very different path than any of us expected before May 18th.

A couple of days before Christmas, I was shopping and found a small plate with ‘Embrace the Journey’ written on it.  I stood in that store in front of that plate for a long time.

Thinking……………………………….

About the bomb that has gone off in my life and in the lives of so many people I love.

Thinking about all of the things we don’t know about the road we are on now.

Thinking about the pain and the grief and the tears of the last 7 months.

Thinking about 2016 – marked by tragedy but colored by love.

This year, we have learned a lot about loving each other and making sure we tell each other.  We have learned a lot about what’s really important – and what’s not.  Our hearts have grown bigger as we’ve reached out in love to the people moving forward with us on this journey.

It is definitely a journey.

And it has only begun.

So, standing in that store, I decided to Embrace the Journey.  It’s my goal for 2017.

Embracing means to accept or support something willingly and enthusiastically.  I am here and I am willing.  The enthusiasm is going to take some time.

Of course I bought the dish and now I put my wedding ring on it every night.  My wedding ring changed this year, too.  Since its the only piece of jewelry that I always wear, I added blue sapphires to it.  Fallen but never forgotten.

As I place my ring with its new sapphires on its new dish at the end of every long day with its many ups and downs, I am reminded of my commitment to Embrace this Journey.

If a bomb went off in your life and you’re on a whole different road than where you started 2016, you are welcome to share my goal.

We’re in a whole new place.  We’ve already started figuring out how to make it a good place as we love and care for each other.

2017 – Embrace the Journey.

for love.

for acceptance.

for community.

This last week is proof.

We all want to be loved and we aren’t getting a lot of it in our current culture.

I was truly amazed by the response to the Dave Glasser #8144 Love You Campaign this last week.  I knew it was special and unique and an important part of Davey’s legacy.

I just didn’t realize how much our community is starving for good news – news about telling each other that we ‘love you’ and spreading that love around to others that live around us.

I had the opportunity to tell Dave’s ‘Love You’ story on the Channel 15 News and the response has been overwhelmingly positive.  We have a Dave Glasser #8144 Love You Campaign group page on Facebook – if you’d like to be a part of this group and get the news on the campaign, just ask to join it.  Please join it – we’d all like to hear how you are helping to spread the ‘Love You’s’.

And I have a challenge for all of you –

start increasing the love right in your own home.

Make sure you’re telling the people in your home that you love them and, maybe more importantly, show it.  The people around you are starving for love and attention.  Your teenagers might not act like it, but, underneath all that attitude, they are.

Turn off the TV and put away the pads and telephones and video games.  When you’re looking at a screen, your body is there but your mind is not.

Talk with each other.  Set up a family game night where you put your screens away and sit around the table, laughing and making memories.  Make it extra special by sharing their favorite dessert.   Go out for ice cream – leaving your phones at home.  With older kids, go bowling, again a ‘no screen’ zone.  Have dinner together around the table at least once a week – and more if you can – no screens and only positive, encouraging conversation.  You can do it!  I know you can!

If you don’t have any kids, ask the people around you to put down their screens so they are actually present with you.  Invite some friends over to play some cards and make it a ‘no screen’ zone.  Davey loved to play poker – have a regular Dave Glasser Memorial Poker night –  and include some shots 🙂 #Davewouldloveit.

The reporter for Channel 15 asked me this week what I think Dave would say about this #8144 Love You campaign.

I think he would really enjoy the fact that this Christmas has a little more love in it because of what he role-modeled for us.  He encouraged his squad to express their love for each other and, knowing that, the rest of us have also been encouraged to tell each other ‘Love you’ more often.  It has deepened our relationships and helped us grow closer as we figure out how to move forward without him.

Davey loved people.  They were very important to him.  It’s one of the reasons he became a Policeman and it helped make him a great one.

So…..go ahead, put down your screen and go give someone a hug…hang out with them awhile and say ‘Love you’.

#8144loveyou

#honoringDaveslegacy

If Dave were here, he’d be saying it to you, right,  James Byrd?

Byrd told all of us at the funeral about Dave saying ‘Love you’ to his brothers in blue in his squad before he left for his shift.  And he expected them to say it, too.  At first, it felt a little awkward for all the guys loaded down with guns and weapons to be saying ‘Love you’ to each other but Dave insisted.  Because you never know if you’re going to get another chance to say it.

Turns out, he was so right.  Too right.

But all of us know he loved us.  He told us all the time – its his legacy.  And he showed it with his ready smile, loyalty, how he included everyone in his love of having fun and a million other different ways.

Since May many of us closest to Dave have gotten good at telling each other ‘Love you’ when we’re leaving.  Because nobody knows better than we do just how easy it is for us not to have another chance to say it.

And it has added some extra love to our relationships.  It has added a new depth to how important we are to each other.  It has added a clear understanding of how we are all sharing his loss together.

I just realized  –

we’ve already started the Dave Glasser #8144 Love You Campaign.

And now is a great time to tell everyone else about it.  Let’s spread the love around even farther.

Would the people in your life benefit from hearing you tell them you love them more often?

Could the world around you use a little more love?

Are people around you in a stressed-out rush?

If they aren’t yet, they will be soon as Christmas gets closer and closer.

What are some things – big and small – that you could do to show some love to someone else?  You might know these people, you might not.  Love takes many forms – it can be a little more patience with them or some more forgiveness and understanding.  Love can look like giving people space to get on the freeway.  Or parking in a spot at the far end of the parking lot so others can take the close spots.  Sometimes just a smile can show acceptance and love to someone.  And never forget small gifts of chocolate 🙂

Is there someone you need to start saying ‘love you’ to more often?  Believe me, you never know if you’ll ever get another chance. #8144 love you.

Maybe there are a bunch of people you need to start saying ‘love you’ to. #Davewouldloveit.

Who are the people around you that you can start showing more love to? #honoringDaveslegacy.

I’ve started a Facebook page  – and then changed it to a group –  for The Dave Glasser #8144 Love You Campaign.

It’s for you.  It’s for all of us.

Tell us about how you are sharing the love. #8144loveyou.

Any fun ideas on how to tell people and show people you love them? #Davewouldloveit

You can post pictures, sayings – anything that will encourage the rest of us to share the love. #honoringDaveslegacy

Byrd – do you have the clip of your sharing this at Dave’s funeral?  If so, can you post it on the page?

Everyone – go ahead and join the group so we can start spreading the news of the Dave Glasser #8144 Love You Campaign.

#8144loveyou.

 

As we move forward from May 19th E.O.W. #8144,  we are figuring out a new normal.  We are blessed with a great group of family, friends and our Blue Family.  Together, we’re taking each holiday as it comes and learning how to celebrate it with only memories of Dave.

It’s not easy to do.

It doesn’t feel right.

A lot of grief.

The empty hole in our life is very evident.

But we have no other choice.

We had an ASU vs U of A  Football Game party the day after Thanksgiving.  Davey loved ASU and he loved the rivalry.  He graduated from ASU along with most of our family except we have one Wildcat…..and he loved to razz her about it …constantly 🙂

Davey had  a rivalry party a couple of years ago and it was great doing it again.  His squad came as well as many new friends and old friends.  It was hard – we missed him but Davey’s spirit of fun and love was all over the gathering.  It was good to be together.

A lot of love.

A lot of caring.

A lot of great memories.

Now Christmas is right around the corner.  I have 30 pictures on my frig of my ‘Christmas Kids’ – one for every year since Davey was 4.  In the early pictures, he and his sister are sitting on Santa’s lap.  A couple of years later, Davey is standing in the picture because he refused to sit on Santa’s lap any longer.  And it’s not too many years later that Santa didn’t get in the picture at all anymore.

It’s been awesome to watch my two children grow through these pictures and then, gradually, the group also grew as they both married and we added my two very special grand darlings.  Now we get to see the ‘littles” grow with each Christmas kids picture.

So this year we started a new tradition.  My grand darlings are holding a picture of their dad in our Christmas kids picture.  And we will continue to watch them grow every year.

But Davey will stay forever 34…..

It’s hard to imagine a time that I’ll be able to take our Christmas kids picture without tears in my eyes.

Fallen, but never forgotten.

Today would have been Dave’s 35th birthday.

Yes, the media got that wrong, too.  Remember this whenever you read something from the media – even when they aren’t making things up, using pictures out of context and changing faces on pictures, they still aren’t good with details.  They subtracted years and didn’t care about months.

But we care a lot about the months.

We didn’t know how short of time we would have with him.

Every month was precious.

That’s one of the things we all loved about Dave, wasn’t it?

He made every day count.

He had the gift of making the most of every opportunity to have fun and create memories.  You could count on him to be thinking up something to do or somewhere to go.

One of my favorite birthday party memories was his 10th birthday.  He invited 20 of his closest friends – yes, even back then, he had a lot of friends – and we all went to a park.  He had enough boys for all kinds of teams so they played basketball and baseball until it started getting dark, only stopping long enough to gobble down some hotdogs and cake.

A home Cardinals game landed on his 25th Birthday so we celebrated during the tailgating before the game.  You’ll notice this was before the no-beer pong rules.   How he loved his Cardinals!

35 years ago today, on the day Davey was born, there was an air quality alert for Phoenix.  Lots of pollution in the air.

I remember looking out the window of the hospital with my new son in my arms wondering if it was wise to bring a new life into this kind of world – where we have to be careful breathing too much of the air.

When we look at what’s happening currently in our culture, there are probably some new parents wondering the same thing for different reasons.

But now I know there are much worse things than bad air quality.

There is a grave stone with my son’s name on it.

I go there every week – not because he’s there.  I know where he is and he is happy there.

I visit his spot just to make sure that it looks good.  He died honorably, giving his life to protect and serve others and I want his spot to reflect that when people stop.  And the cemetery staff tells us that a lot of people stop to pay their respects.

I added something new this week. I’m sure Davey would approve.

A message to all of you.

We voted last week…

But God tells us who really puts the governing authorities in place.  He does.

Be afraid, those who choose evil.

When you do evil, God’s servants –  His Agents of Wrath – will hunt you down and punish you.  They do not wear weapons for nothing.  They serve God by bringing punishment upon wrongdoers.

Anyone who rebels against the authorities that God has put into place brings judgement upon themselves.  There is no one else to blame.

After his death, we found this on Davey’s phone:

He believed it.  He lived it.

Being a policeman was not just a job to him.  It was an assignment from God.  It was standing for what is right and fighting against what is wrong.

And I know that most of my brothers and sisters who wear the uniform do it for the same reason.

Not because its fun….

Or easy…

or popular.

Defending the innocent while bringing punishment upon the wrongdoer is a calling from God.

And the wrongdoer should be VERY afraid.

Because the entire Army of God is fighting with his Mighty Warriors in Blue to overcome evil in this world.

Yes, sometimes the evil ones win a battle – like they did on May 18, 2016.

But they will not win the war.

We know how this battle will end.  God has already claimed victory.

 

They sealed his locker this week.

His squad did an awesome job of turning his locker into a beautiful memorial to their fallen team member and brother and friend. 

As we stood in the men’s locker room at the precinct, it took me a little while to realize I was looking around, over the heads of everyone else (because his head always stuck out of a crowd), looking for Davey.

In the sea of the blue, it was an automatic reaction.

And then,

I remembered…..

I wasn’t going to see him here today.

Or ……..

These events are bitter-sweet.  It’s great to get together to honor Davey and the sacrifice he made in order to protect and defend others.

These times of remembering also shine a light on the big hole that has been left in our lives.

When I saw his Cardinals hat on the top shelf of his locker, I caught a quick glimpse of him wearing that hat and smiling at me with eyes that look so much like mine.

I love catching glimpses of him.

Sometimes, as I sit on my couch watching a kid’s movie on TV, out of the corner of my eye, I see a 6 year-old Davey sitting on the other couch,  watching the movie with me.

When I look over, it’s obviously not Davey.  It’s his son, Micah.

So much like his father.

Micah 6:8, “He has shown you, O man, what is good, and what does the LORD require of you?  To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

Justice and mercy and humbleness before God is stamped on his heart and soul.

His long legs spread out in odd directions when he’s getting comfortable.

Such a bright smile!

Intelligent and kind eyes.

That big head full of ideas and questions and plans.

His gentleness with his sister.

And his exasperation with her when she shows her ‘strong will’ and doesn’t want to have fun.

He needs to know the rules and follow the rules.  He doesn’t want to get into trouble.  Doesn’t like to get a ‘time out’.

But he will question the rules.  They have to make sense to him.

He loves sports……all of them.

And he knows A LOT more about sports than most kids his age.

He can be goofy and clown around.  Life is good when everyone around him is having a good time.

He loves his family. They are extremely important to him.

And he loves his friends.  It’s not hard to become his friend…..his heart is always open for another one.

He loves to go…. and do… and have fun.

He’s an obvious extrovert who loves people.

And he loves God.  He knows a lot of the Bible stories – one of his favorites is David and Goliath.

Am I talking about Davey or Micah?

You guessed it –

I’m talking about both of them.

Don’t get me wrong – Micah’s personality is also packed with awesome things that are uniquely Micah.  I’m very interested to see how all of these great qualities roll up into the amazing young man he is destined to be.

Meanwhile, I will treasure these  ‘glimpses’ of Davey…..

until I go ‘home’ and see the real thing again.