I’ll admit it – I have trouble praying to God for safety.

I have prayed regularly for the safety of my children since the day they were born.  I doubled my prayers for safety when my son, David Glasser, became a Phoenix Police Officer.

Then, on May 18, 2016, Davey was killed in the line of duty.

God did not keep him safe.

What was the purpose of all of those prayers?

I am totally convinced that God is good.

I know that he loves me and has the best plans for me.

I realize that God’s perspective is completely different from mine and he is always right.

My head knows that God listens to my prayers and responds.  He often changes my attitude while I am praying.  He gives me insights and answers.  He gives me comfort and peace.

My head knows that this world is not a safe place.  I am not safe here.  You are not safe here.  Davey was not safe here.

My head understands that God protected Davey here on earth for 34 1/2 years.  I will never know all of the illnesses, incidents and accidents where God kept Davey safe during his years on earth.  I had heard about several very close calls where God protected him.

My head knows that now God has taken Davey home where he is truly safe.  It could be said that God answered my prayers.

But my heart doesn’t like that answer.

So I continue to struggle with asking God for safety.

#8144loveyou

 

When my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016, I had no idea how painful this journey was going to be.  This has been far more awful than any other loss I have experienced.

There are so many tough parts to this journey, its hard to describe.  I knew before this happened that each one of us experiences loss and grief differently – I didn’t realize how different a specific loss can be from the others.

This time, many of the things people have said to me regarding Davey’s death are not helpful because they simply don’t relate to what I’m experiencing.  Things like  – “Time heals all wounds,”, ” It will get easier”, “It will get better”, “It will hurt less and less.”  When anyone shares something like this with me, I realize that they obviously have not an experienced a loss like his.

I’m discovering that this journey it is not getting less painful.

I’m just getting used to it.

My broken heart is not ‘healing’.  Unpredictably, things will happen and it feels like a hot knife is digging into the bottom of my bleeding heart, twisting, blistering.

And I’m getting used to it.

My new reality is not ‘getting better’.  How could it?  Davey is not here – he hasn’t been here for over 2 years.

I’m just getting used to it.

It’s not ‘getting better’.  The hole Davey left in our lives is getting bigger.

And I’m gradually getting used to it.

I am also getting used to focusing on the 34 1/2 awesome years we had him with us.  Such a unique and fun person!  He was a special blessing our family had for too short of a time.

I am getting used to smiling through the tears as memories of God’s gift to us of a great little boy who grew into a special young man fill my mind.

I am getting used to being extremely thankful for the close relationship my husband, my daughter and I had with Davey throughout his life.  We were there for everything – all of his sports, all of his events, all the important moments.  We travelled the world with him – Hawaii, London, Spain, Italy, Alaska -and all over the United States – making great memories.  My husband and I lived 1 mile from him and his family the last 5 years of his life and we saw him almost every day.  We are very grateful for all of the time we got to spend with him those last precious years.

No regrets.

And I’m getting used to the clearer perspective I have on how short life is. How this is not my real home. How very important people are.

How love really is the answer.

Love has made this journey less painful.

Davey knew that.

#8144loveyou

 

 

One of my favorite things to do is share great memories of Davey with people who really knew him.  It feels good and I’m pretty amazed at what I hear sometimes.  I have learned some very precious things about him from other people.

David Glasser, my son, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty May 19, 2016.  Recently, a bunch of his squad members, friends and my husband and I spent some time at ‘Davey’s spot” in the Phoenix Memorial cemetery to remember him together on the second anniversary of his death.  As we shared stories, I learned something new about how much Davey cared for all of us.

A little background on this – Davey always took care of my husband and my cell phones.  He would tell us it was time to order new ones and then he would order them for us since we were all on the same plan.  When the new phones came in, he would transfer our data and then he would sell our old phones for the difference so we never paid anything for our new phones.  He would also make sure we kept the boxes and had good covers and cases for our new phones so that he could resell them for top dollar.  He was great at it and it was a big help to us.

Since Davey has been gone two years, just a month ago my husband and I decided it was time to figure out how to get a new phone for ourselves.  Yuck!  We really missed Davey handling all of this for us.  Luckily we’re retired because it took us about a week and a couple of trips to Verizon to get it all worked out.

So, on May 19th, when we were sharing great memories of Davey at his spot in the cemetery, imagine my amazement when I discovered for the first time that he did all of this for a bunch of the people in his squad.  He ordered phones, transferred data and then sold phones so it didn’t cost anything for a whole group of people!

What a unique but important way to show how much he cared for us!  It’s like he had his own little new cell phone service going on and I never knew it.  He must have realized what a pain it was for many of us and he liked doing it so he did it for all of us.

That is so like him!  He loved us and cared for us in any way he could, not making a big deal out of it.

Davey leaves behind a legacy of saying “love you” and backing that up with action.  Let’s all follow his lead.

Miss you, Davey!

#8144loveyou

The Love You Cruise 2018 set sail yesterday from San Juan, Puerto Rico.

Two months before David Glasser, my son who was a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty, he and his wife, Kristen, went on a cruise with a group of his squad members and their wives.  We are so glad he and Kristen went!  It was a great time of making special memories that can never be repeated.  Because Davey is no longer on this earth.

But we are. Good times are better when they are remembered together and this is a great time to make some new fun memories.  That’s what the Love You Cruise is all about.

One of the major lessons we have all learned these last two years is how short life is – how unpredictable life is.  Don’t put off having fun until tomorrow.  We need to take advantage of every opportunity to love each other and laugh.

And that was a big part of who Davey was – having a fun time and loving people.  He was also planner so he was constantly planning his next good time.  Before his cruise was over he was already talking about the next cruise he wanted to take with this rowdy bunch.  He wanted to leave from San Juan and cruise the southern Caribbean.

Davey never got the chance – but we do.  The Love You Cruise 2018.

We’ll be hitting the ports, hitting the beaches and hitting the adult beverages in memory of the fun-loving friend and son whom we lost too soon…..

much too soon.

Miss you, Davey.

#8144loveyou

For several months after my son, David Glasser who was a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty, I hated small talk.

I couldn’t stand it.

It was all so trivial.

You went to the store.  So what?  You talked with your sister.  So what?

It was true with everyone around me –  I just didn’t feel like talking about whatever they were talking about.  It was true at work – really?  What’s so important about this?  Do we have to talk about this right now?

It was all so, so trivial.

I had this huge thing crowding out everything else I had in my brain.  Nothing else seemed important enough to spend a breath on.  It was a strange experience because I didn’t want to talk about Davey –  it was too painful – but I didn’t want to talk about anything else, either.

So my thoughts would often get lost in what I call ‘the swirl’.

Grief, questions, pain, loss and confusion would start swirling through my brain.  Once in a while I would get fixated on a certain thought.  I would focus on it and think about it all day – it was suddenly extremely important.

Until my mind started swirling again.

I’m thankful that God gave me the wisdom to not communicate most of the things rolling around in my head  during this time.  Because what I was thinking wasn’t real, it wasn’t true – it was just my brain working through all of the stuff that was happening and figuring out where to file it.  My mind was sifting through what just happened and coming to a new reality.

The swirl began as soon as we were told in the hospital that there was no hope of recovery for Davey..  I remember walking past hallway after hallway crowded with people and only seeing bodies – no faces.  Police officers were everywhere.  Strange doctors were trying to explain inexplicable things to us.  One of the lights that we were blessed with was Police Chaplain Bob Fesmire.  Every time I see him, I thank him for what he did for my family that night.

Chaplain Fesmire walked with us through those long, so very dark hours in the hospital.  He could tell the doctors sounded like, ‘blah, blah, blah’ to us, so as soon as they left the room, he would translate what was just said into terms we could understand and deal with.  He helped as us we took each step.  Every time he would ask us if we wanted him to pray for us, I said ‘yes’.   And his prayers calmed me, reminded me that God was in control and that God was also walking right beside us.  I am very grateful for that – because I had no words. 

The swirl gradually tapered off as the weeks passed and my mind figured out my new reality.

I have a new understanding of people who have just suffered a sudden loss or tragedy.  I can see ‘the swirl’ in their eyes and I know that their brain is still processing what has happened – what they say may or may not be true and it will probably all change as they come to terms with their new situation.  Their current mental reality is a jumble of grief, shock, anger and bewilderment.  It’s  going to take some time for them to put the shattered pieces of their lives back together in a new way.

People in ‘the swirl’ need love and understanding  – and awesome chaplains like Bob Fesmire who can walk beside them.

Thank you, Chaplain Bob!

 

#8144loveyou

 

We remember.  And, if we listen closely, we can hear his voice as ‘love you’s’ echo through our heads.

Two years ago today, we lost a hero.  My son, David Glasser, was a  Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty.  We remember and honor his commitment to the safety of those of us who live in Phoenix.  We remember and honor his willingness to put himself at great risk in order to save others.

Davey was a Phoenix native who graduated from Moon Valley High School before getting a Bachelor’s Degree in Criminology at ASU.  He was a Phoenix Police Officer for 12 years.

Davey was a family fanatic – he had a huge heart which was dedicated to his wife, Kristen, his two children and his extended family.

He was a sports fanatic – he played them his whole life and he followed them all.  He especially loved the Cardinals and Diamondbacks and all ASU sports.

He was also a people fanatic – he loved people.  He loved to make people laugh.  He loved to be around people who were having a good time.  He was fiercely loyal to those he loved and, if you every crossed that line with him, you knew it.  He didn’t have any biological brothers so he recruited brothers his entire life – some wore a blue uniform, some wore a cross, others wore Moon Valley red, white and blue, and he had a large crowd of brothers who wore Cardinal Red.

If Davey loved you, you knew it – because he told you.  He knew how quickly life could change, how – in a moment –  his life could end.  So he was fanatical about telling people he loved them and he also was adamant about hearing it back.

Davey’s watch ended on May 19, 2016.  But his love, dedication, integrity and honor lives on through the David Glasser Foundation.  There is still a lot to be done and the Foundation is proud to continue the work that David started.

Today, we pause…. we listen to the ‘love you’s….. and we remember.

The hole that my son, David Glasser, left is getting bigger.

David was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18th, 2016.

Two years ago……and the hole seemed big then.  It’s only gotten bigger.

He has missed so much.  He wasn’t there for so many things he should have been.  The list of missed birthdays, the missed Christmas’, the missed Father’s days – and Mother’s Days –  is growing.  He will never get to play with his new niece – and he would have been an awesome uncle.

One of the ironic feelings I have at David Glasser Foundation events is  ‘Davey would love this – he should be here’.  And I don’t mean his ‘spirit’ – I mean the super-tall guy with the big grin on his face making everybody laugh.

So many people say the first year after someone dies is the hardest.  I would agree that it is very hard.  We have to figure out all the ‘firsts’.  Our hearts are pierced and bleeding so it’s an overwhelming struggle to do anything for the first time without the one we lost.

But the permanence of the situation becomes much more real in the second year…the second birthday….the second Christmas….  It just cannot be true that the rest of our lives are going to be like this – without Davey.  I don’t want it to be true.

For me, this is the part that is so different from when my father, mother and older brother died.  They were older than me, so I expected there would be a time when I would be here on earth without them.

That isn’t true about Davey.  He was supposed to be here while his dad and I grew old, making jokes about our move into a 55+ community.  He was supposed to retire from being a cop and become a high school teacher and basketball coach.  He was supposed to coach his children’s baseball, softball, flag football and basketball teams.  He was supposed to keep tailgating and being the life of the party.  He was supposed to be here to celebrate his children’s graduations and weddings….and his grandchildren.

It still doesn’t seem possible that he won’t be doing any of that.

It still doesn’t seem possible that we will have to do all of that without him.

I know we will…..and God is giving us the strength and purpose to do that.

But the hole Davey has left in our lives is very big ….. and it’s getting bigger.

#8144loveyou

It’s good when we get the chance to remember together.

My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.  April and May bring us many opportunities to gather and remember him and all of our fallen officers.   There are several memorials here in Phoenix where we remember all the police officers who have been killed in the line of duty in our city and in our state.  May 15th,  National Peace Officers Memorial Day, is when our entire country remembers all Law Enforcement Officers who have been killed in the United States in the line of duty.  Washington, DC is the center of remembering and honoring our heroes during Police Week which is the week each year in which May 15th falls.  Last year my family and Davey’s squad spent Police Week in Washington, DC – honoring and remembering.

Remembering together helps.  It helps me not feel alone in missing Davey.  It reminds me of all the people he touched, all the people he loved, and all of the people who loved him.  You grieve with me.  You miss him, too.

For me, the best ‘remembering together’ is when we’re having a good time.  The Fallen Officer Golf Classic yesterday is one of my favorite times of remembering.  This is the second year we got the chance to get together to have fun in supporting PLEA Charities and the vision of the David Glasser Foundation.

Early yesterday morning, as the sun was rising, the fun began at the Wigwam Resort in Goodyear.

Registration was a time of reunions –

we laughed together,

we hugged,

and we saw some faces we hadn’t seen in quite a while.

Everybody bought raffle tickets to support the causes and a lot of us won very cool prizes.  I won a free four-some for golf at Karsten’s Golf Course at ASU.  Nice!  My husband is already making a plan to use it.

Some of us played golf.  Others pretended to play golf.  Those of us who didn’t even want to try to pretend to play golf volunteered to do all the other stuff that needed to be done.

The golfers had a lot of fun tasting adult beverages on the course.  Does that help or hurt your golf game?

Over 350 golfers and 50 volunteers received awesome shirts to wear to show our support of  Law Enforcement Officers and we had a great lunch together.

We laughed some more.

We hugged some more.

When we had to say good-bye the “Love You’s” floated out over the crowd.

What an incredible day!

What an incredible way to remember Davey together and support the continuation of the work he started!

Thank you to everyone who participated and volunteered!  Hope to see all of you again next year!

Miss you, Davey.

Heroes recognize each other.

They sense it when they have read about or met another person who has the same level of commitment to the greater good.  They are willing to put themselves at risk in order to help or protect others.

Of course, none of them would call themselves heroes.  But we do.  Because looking in at their lives, we see something special.  We see a level of love and courage and sacrifice in their lives that we just don’t see in our own lives.

Now I understand why my son, David Glasser, loved Pat’s Run so much.  He signed up for next year’s run as soon as this year’s run was over.  He recruited groups of friends and family every year to run beside him.  And as soon as Micah, his son, was old enough Micah was running in the kid’s run – with Davey right beside him.

I realize Davey loved to honor the memory of Pat Tillman because Davey had the heart of hero beating inside of him.

He shared Pat’s burning need to be more

and give more

and protect more. 

Davey recognized these things in Pat’s life because he had the same passions inside of him.

To us, Pat’s run has now become a remembrance of all those who served other’s selflessly and lost their lives.  Davey’s squad members proudly carry the Blue Line Flag as a way to dedicate their run to their brothers and sisters in the Thin Blue Line who gave their lives protecting their communities.

As a soldier, Pat put himself at risk to serve his country.  As a Police Officer, Davey put himself at risk every day to serve the people in his city.

And they both lost their lives because of the heart of a hero that beat inside of them.