Death.  Loss.  Serious illness.  Tragedy.

When it happens to someone we know, we often don’t know what to say.   We need to say something – it has to be acknowledged or it feels really wrong – the elephant in the room.

We should think about what we’re going to say ahead of time.

I know.  Many people have said weird or not-helpful things while trying to be nice to me since my son, David Glasser, who was a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.

When tragedy blew my life apart, many of the people I spoke to afterwards would say ‘So sorry for your loss.”  I used to think that this sounded unoriginal and trite but, after experiencing some of the other things people say, I realize it’s a good option.  When you say this, you are recognizing my loss and sharing an emotion.   I say it myself now.   Actually, I often just say “I’m so sorry” to someone who has just had a loss or tragedy.  They know what I’m referring to – it’s all they can think about.

There are other things people say which can actually hurt – poking at my bruises.  Some days whatever people say doesn’t bother me and other days……….. saying things like these can make a dark day worse:

“There’s always a reason.”  Really?   Am I supposed to be glad he’s gone because there’s a reason?  I should stop crying because it’s all working out great now?

“Time heals all wounds.” Really?  All of this pain and grief is going to go away?   It’s going to turn into a scar that doesn’t hurt anymore?  I  personally think ‘heal’ is the wrong word to use with loss and grief.

“He’s in a better place.”  My head knows that.  My heart has been shattered into a million pieces and it aches a little bit more when you remind me that he’s not here with us, with me.

What should we say?

The best advice I have read is in the Bible – Romans 12:15b –

“Weep with those who weep”.

Weep with us.

Weep with me.

Let your heart break for those who are heart-broken.

Hold tightly onto anyone is who is lost in pain and grief.

Give us grace when we are not gracious.

Forgive us when the anger boils over.

Be patient with us when our frustration shows.

Understand that it’s hard to focus sometimes when the emptiness is overwhelming.

Don’t ask us to let you know if there’s anything you can do – if there’s something you want to do, just do it.

Don’t tell us about a different tragedy – your’s or someone else’s.  We are struggling to deal with our own.

Don’t give us advice unless we ask for it.

You really don’t have to say much.

Just love us unconditionally, no matter how we respond.

And weep with us.

 

 

#8144loveyou

 

“It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped.  Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance”.  Robert F Kennedy

Standing for an ideal.

Acting to improve the lot of others.

Striking out against injustice.

Our Blue family knows how to do these things very well.  The Thin Blue Line leads the way each day in causing ripples that are building a current.

‘ In valor there is hope’

Our Blue Family often uses this quote from an ancient Roman historian.  It’s included on this print that I ordered from the National Law Enforcement Memorial Fund.

I think Robert Kennedy’s quote helps to explain where this hope comes from.  It comes from each act that is done to improve the lot of others.  Hope is built on each instance when someone strikes out against injustice.  A new spark of hope is lit every time someone stands up for an ideal or the truth.

Our Law Enforcement Officers know how this feels.  Davey knew very well how this felt – he committed his life to it.  And the David Glasser Foundation is continuing the work he began.

In valor there is hope.

And that hope is created by thousands of ripples made by you and by me every day which builds into a current that can change the world.

Be a ripple.

#8144loveyou

 

 

Becoming a person of good character and honor and integrity begins very early.

Becoming a person who knows right from wrong and choosing to do what is right begins when our babies start sitting up by themselves and moving around by themselves.  Learning how to hold themselves accountable for their own actions starts this early as well.

Becoming a person who respects others and is respectable starts before they are 2 when they learn to take care of other kid’s toys and not to smear their dirty hands all over everything.

Becoming a person who commits their life to being part of the solution, not part of the problem, in our community begins when they are a tiny tot who learns how to share their favorite toys – putting other people before themselves.

It begins very early.

What might be kind of cute when a 2 year-old  does it becomes obnoxious in a 6 year-old, leads to problems when a 12 year-old does it and jail-time when a 16 year old does it.  The wrong path also starts very early.

My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 18, 2016.  He was a man of good character, honor, integrity and respect.  He knew right from wrong and he committed his life to being one of the good guys – part of the solution, not part of the problem.

All of that started when he was a little guy, learning how to walk.  It didn’t start when he went to school, it didn’t start when he went to college or when he became a police officer.  It started before he learned to talk.

Have you read the story of Balaam’s talking donkey in the Bible?  It was one of Davey’s favorite stories (along with David and Goliath for obvious reasons).  As he got older, we had such great discussions about why the donkey could see the angel of God but Balaam couldn’t.  And then God made the donkey talk!  How can God make a donkey talk?  It’s not a problem for the Creator of the Universe.  Davey’s faith and understanding of the truth was formed through children’s Bible stories.  God fed his mind and soul while we fed his growing body.

The children’s stories are great and the adult stories are even better.  The Bible is full of examples of men and women who fought for justice and led the way for others.  It also has great examples of men and women who realized they messed up and how they got right with God and those they hurt.

It takes a village to raise a child

Have you heard that it takes a village to raise a child?  It’s been true in my life.  And, as parents, we have to make a decision about which village is going to help raise our child.  Are we going to let our children be primarily influenced by our neighborhood?   No way would we have chosen our neighborhood – there was a significant lack of character and respect in many of the families who lived around us when our children were small.

And we couldn’t choose our family as their village since we had no family living in the area except for my mother who came here every winter.   Grandparents can be a very important part of a child’s village if they live close.

For us, the members of our church became our family and our children’s village.  It was a place where they were loved and taught the truth.  It was a place where they were nurtured and cared for by people other than ourselves.  Some of their best friends were at church.  Davey met Kristen at church camp when they were 10 years-old.

We need to pick our villages carefully.

Because the right path – or the wrong path – begins very early.

#8144loveyou

 

 

I have trouble going into a police station.

Because I find myself looking for him.

My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty May 19, 2016.  And whenever I get around a group of people wearing police uniforms, I get distracted.  I start looking over the crowd for him.

He was 6’5″ so his head would pop out of any crowd.  He was very easy to find.

He used to be very easy to find.

Now I look but I can’t find him.

My head knows that Davey is with his Father God.   He is not at the police station.  He is not at the cemetery.  He’s not on this earth anymore.  My head knows that.

But my heart is still looking for him.  There’s a piece of my heart that he owns – he will always own this piece.  It’s his.

And when something in my life pokes this spot, tears run out.

But this piece is also full of love and great memories.  Its filled with laughter and good times.    Its full of pride for the little boy who was a good friend and had a ton of friends.  And that pride grew as Davey became a man who was a good friend and had a ton of friends.

This part of my heart is also filled with peace because Davey was a man of genuine faith who fulfilled his purpose here on earth before going home.

This piece of my heart is full of gratitude to my Father God for giving us 34 years with Davey.   They were years filled with family and fun and adventures.  We didn’t put off to tomorrow what we could do today – so happy about that.  His father and I were able to become especially close to Davey and his family his last 5 years on earth when we moved closer to them.  We didn’t know then how short our time was with him but we know it now and we are soooooo thankful for those precious years.

We moved recently so, on Law Enforcement Appreciation Day, we bought several dozen of the Thin Blue Line Donuts and brought them to the police precinct closest to our new home.  We introduced ourselves to police officers in our new precinct and, of course, they offered any help we may need.

As we talked, I realized that my eyes were starting to wander.

They were gazing over the heads of the police officers I was talking to.

They were looking for a head that always stuck out of every crowd.

 

#8144loveyou

 

Its been 20 months since my son, David Glasser, a Phoenix Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty.

20 very tough months.

Sometimes it feels like 20 years and other times it feels like 20 days.

One of the things that sticks out of the fog of grief and heartache and trials that has followed his death is the outpouring of love and support we have received from so many people – people we know and others that we have never met.  Some pretty big and amazing things have come our way along with a lot of small things which have come at just the right moment.

The amount of support itself has carried us through some very dark valleys and its great to know that its continuing because I know there are more dark periods ahead.  It is truly awesome how each person or group has given us a piece of their heart and it all adds up to a huge mountain of support and love.

It all matters.

Recently, Kristen asked me if I wanted the sign in this picture.  It had been at the memorial site in Laveen close to where Davey was killed.   I’ve seen pictures of the memorial but I missed seeing it in person because, by the time I got out there, it was all cleared away.  So, yes, I wanted this sign.   I mounted it on a wall in my garage along with some of the other outside memorial items I have been given and I park my car in front of it.

I had never seen what was written on the back until now.    “Your family is in our prayers.” If you know Veronica Montenieri, please tell her I see this sign several times a day and it reminds me of  the crowds of people who have prayed for us and are continuing to pray for us.  It reminds me that my Father God is in control and he loves us and he wants the best for us.  It reminds me that the Thin Blue Line is committed to serve and protect all lives.

All lives matter.

And each show of love and care and support matters.  All of you have done a great job and its continuing.

This experience has taught me what can happen if each of us does what we can.  There are very few of us who can hand someone who just experienced a tragedy a 6-figure check but all of us can do something to show our support and love.  Veronica made a sign for Davey’s memorial in her neighborhood and this sign blesses me every day.

Thank you, Veronica.

Thank you to each and every one of you for all of your prayers and love and support.

#8144loveyou

There are days when the darkness is very evident, where the hole is very big and I can’t think of any reason why anyone would be laughing.

My son is dead.

David Glasser was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 19, 2016.  He’s dead.

How can anybody be laughing about anything?

My brain knew on May 19th that, somehow, I was going to have to live the rest of my life here on earth without my son.  My brain knows that God has a purpose for me and that’s why I’m still here.  My brain knows that our family and friends are gradually finding a ‘new normal’ that only includes memories of Davey.  My brain knows that we all have to figure out how to move forward – making the most of each hour because we never know when our time here on earth is done.  My brain knows that loving each other and having fun and laughing are all important parts of our lives.

But there are times when my heart wonders why anyone is laughing.  If you’ve had a tragic loss in your life, you can probably relate.

There are times when my heart can’t look past the fog of loss and emptiness of missing Davey.  My heart looks at pictures of my grandchildren from 2 years ago and says, ‘this is when they still had a father.’  When my heart gets focused on the hole in our lives, I relive the pain of May 19, 2016.  Part of my world ended that day.  And it sometimes makes me think –  how can anyone laugh?

Yes, I know laughter is good for us.  Don’t get me wrong, I like to laugh and have a good time so don’t stop laughing around me.  Davey loved to laugh and he loved making us laugh.  He always had clever and funny comments about things that happened – he had a very quick mind. He would want us to enjoy life and have a great time.  It’s important.  Life is short.

But …… there are times….. when each laugh is shooting an arrow into my broken and hurting heart.

And I wonder – why is anyone laughing?

#8144loveyou

#fallenbutnotforgotten

There is a cost.

There is a commitment.

Love leaves a mark.

The cost is being more concerned about another person than you are about yourself.  What I want is not the most important thing when I love someone.

Commitment means loving this person even when they are unlovable.  Sometimes it means offering help and other times it means drawing boundaries.

Loving someone well takes a lot of energy and patience, wisdom and understanding.  Loving people well is a lot of work.  And it leaves a mark.

I have discovered that this mark doesn’t go away after someone we love dies.  This mark is permanent and never leaves us.

David Glasser, my son, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty on May 19, 2016.  The mark he left was an unusual kind of love.  It was an outspoken love – a love that broke some boundaries that we can set up as adults.  He said ‘love you’ often and you knew he meant it by how he included you and had fun with you and was loyal to you.  You knew there was a commitment being made when he said ‘love you”, it wasn’t just something he said.

The mark he has left is big.  The potential of his mark is huge.  We have already started discovering that potential by continuing his work in breaking down some boundaries we have as adults in loving each other.  More hugs.  More caring.  Saying it and showing it.

The cost is giving up some of our ‘separateness’ and actually caring for people around us.  The cost is taking our eyes off of ourselves long enough to see someone else that needs a hug or a hand.  The cost is letting others love us, knowing that this love will leave a mark.  It will change us.

The commitment is not giving up even when its tough or strange or even a little weird.  Yes, weird.  If you’ve been really trying to love others, you know what I mean.  The commitment is setting love as a priority and letting other things that we always used to think were important slide down the list.

If I were to draw a picture of the mark Davey has left on us, it would not be a heart.  It would be a magic wand.  Because love has magical qualities that cannot be explained.

Love changes things.  Love brings light into the darkness.  Love soothes pain and sadness and loneliness.

Love can change the world.

Davey’s love has left a mark on us.   What are we doing with it?

#8144loveyou

“Hate cannot drive out hate,

only love can do that.”  Martin Luther King, Jr.

He was so right.  And so much of our culture is so wrong.

It’s obvious from many people’s actions that they think hatred and meanness and small-mindedness is the way to get what they want.  Some of them even appear to think that acts of violence and creating chaos is going to change the world for the better.  We found out last year how well that works – it doesn’t.

Our world would be a better and much more safe place if we understood and lived out Dr King’s words –  that only love can drive out hate.

My son, David Glasser, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty in 2016.  He was killed because of hatred.

But he lived understanding how important love is.  He said ‘love you’ to everyone he cared about all the time.  He knew love is the thing that can change our world for the better.  Hatred is a useless waste of energy.  Love is worth every effort we put into it.

Love brings acceptance.

Love brings hope.

Love brings peace.

God is love and all real love comes from God.

So this year, on our Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday, let’s celebrate love.  Let’s give out a lot of hugs.  Let’s share smiles with people we don’t know.  Let’s be extra kind on the freeways and parking lots, at work and in stores and restaurants.

Let’s recommit to saying ‘love you’ to the people we care about in our lives.  And lets find a special way to celebrate love with those closest to us.

Because love is the only way we’re going to drive hate out of our world.  And we can do it.  Together, we can each have a positive affect on our small part of the world.

#8144loveyou

 

What am I thinking about?

What am I focused on?

I ask these questions when I find myself in a dark place.

When I’m sad.

When I’m stuck in yesterday.

When the list of what I have lost seems way too long.

When my shattered dreams fill my head as the tears drip down my face.

David Glasser, my son, was a Phoenix Police Officer who was killed in the line of duty last year.  Those of you who knew him realized that he was unique – he had a high level of integrity and knowledge of what was right and wrong and he also loved people and loved to have fun.  His dad was one of his best friends – we were very close.

And suddenly – without warning – Davey was gone.

Every day, new pains appear as we are reminded of just how much of the light and joy in our lives went with him.

On Davey’s birthday in November, a group of his family and friends visited his spot in the cemetery and released balloons into the sky.  Police Chaplain Bob Fesmire explained that this is a very old tradition reaching back to biblical times when incense was burned so it could combine with the prayers of God’s people as they floated up to heaven.

This is what I need to focus on.  And I invite those of who have experienced a huge loss in your life to join me.

I’m going to Look Up –

Look up to see the sun shining on all of my blessings that are still here.

Look up to remember that my prayers – our prayers – go to a God who loves us and who wants the best for us and who can do the impossible.

As 2018 begins, lets Look Up together to see all the possibilities a brand new year can bring.

 

#8144loveyou